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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have been brutally honest with my friend sooner?

39 replies

AutumnalBear · 27/09/2017 10:02

I've name changed for this because I have a suspicion my friend is on here and don't want my other posts to be read by her just in case.

My friendship group are all late 20's. 2 of us are married, I have DC's and the other friend has been in a relationship for 4 years.

Our life long friendship with unmarried friend nearly ended 5 years ago because we gave our opinion on a guy who she was infatuated with. She told us it was none of our business and to stay out of it. She eventually split with him and our friendship got back on track.

Married friend and I cannot stand our friends current partner. In our opinion he's controlling, selfish and just generally a prick. We have tolerated him for 4 years as our friend appeared happy, although it has created distance between us over the years because we could never all go it together because he didn't like us and our respective DH's.

Our friend has always wanted marriage and children, he's told her he will never marry her as he doesn't agree with it and he "will see" about having children within the next 10 years. He has been pressuring our friend into moving into his house for the last two years. She clearly doesn't want to (hasn't admitted it) as she has put it off so many times and always made excuses. If she moves in with him it would mean sacrificing and moving away from her job which she loves, her family and us as her friends.

Last week she told me that they had split up because he had enough of her putting off moving in and dumped her over the phone. To be honest I was ecstatic. However yesterday she phoned me to say that she had been over to chat to him and they had agreed to give it another go if she moved in. He's clearly put all the blame on her because she was very "I have my faults" etc.

So yesterday I told her exactly what I thought of him - that he was emotionally blackmailing her, he was trying to separate her from her friends etc and I suggested she speak to our other friend who felt the same. She's become incredibly defensive over it and have blamed us both for not saying sooner and felt like we've lied to her for 4 years. I tried to explain to her that after what happened 5 years ago we were reluctant to get involved again but she's incredibly annoyed with us.

Should we have said something sooner?

OP posts:

livefornaps · 27/09/2017 10:14

No!

She is responsible for her choices, you can only support her through them.

If you'd've made your feelings clear, chances are she would have actually moved to be with him.

Just watch out if she gets back with him.

Loopytiles · 27/09/2017 10:17

Yes, but she would likely have cut you off had you said anything before.

Butterymuffin · 27/09/2017 10:19

You can never win in these situations, as you're finding out. The point is that you have spoken up now (say this to her) and she needs to decide for herself what to do with that information.

Don't feel too bad if she moves in anyway. People are very stubborn in these scenarios and don't want to admit their partner is a waste of time.

BarbarianMum · 27/09/2017 10:19

No, YWNBU. If your opinion was so important to her she could have asked for it at any point.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 27/09/2017 10:21

Ther are ways and means of implanting ideas in someones head. That too could be seen as controlling behaviour Ideally you equip the person to come to their own conclusions and make their own decisions.

Example:
Fred says he never wants to get married and he will think about children in the next ten years
You: How do you feel about that? It's a long time to wait.

Fred thinks I should move in with him
You: How do you feel about changing your job/would you be able to get another job with the same career prospects/aww and you're doing so well at X place of work

rather than the direct criticism of Fred.

TBH I'd never question someone choice of partner. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors, even the biggest social muppet can be the greatest emotional support. (clearly not in this case!)

Runningpear · 27/09/2017 10:22

No you've done that once and look what happened. It's her life and she needs to take responsibility for forming her own opinions & decisions.

Loopytiles · 27/09/2017 10:23

Advise her to seek advice on MN!

Oly5 · 27/09/2017 10:26

You've done the right thing. Hopefully she can see the ass for what he is. Tell her you love and she deserves better! And that she's wasting time that could be better spent on somebody who does want kids

Original poster

AutumnalBear · 27/09/2017 10:34

Sloe I have done that over the years but she's always had an answer for everything.

I've asked previously about how she would feel if in 10 years time she's still not married, still not got kids but she's always said he will change his mind as he gets older.

I've also said to her about moving in with him and could there be a compromise of buying somewhere half way between his job and hers so that she could still keep her life but she's always said he doesn't want to sell his house so that's not an option.

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 27/09/2017 10:34

It sounds like she'd have been annoyed whenever you said something, really. She sounds a bit naive.

Original poster

AutumnalBear · 27/09/2017 10:36

I've really tried with him, my DH and I have invited them both over to our house for dinner on several occasions over the years and each time he has been incredibly rude to us and made it obvious he didn't want to be there. My DH now can't stand him and it takes a lot for my DH to dislike someone!

OP posts:

freida20 · 27/09/2017 10:37

TBH I'd never question someone choice of partner. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors, even the biggest social muppet can be the greatest emotional support. (clearly not in this case!)

for me not knowing what goes on behind closed doors is exactly why we should look out for our friends and question their partners if we think they are controlling and manipulative! What goes on in public could be nothing compared to how they treat their partner in private.

Original poster

AutumnalBear · 27/09/2017 10:38

It also concerns me that if she moves in with him she will be contributing to his mortgage but her name won't be on the deeds so if they do eventually split she will have nothing!

OP posts:

Autumnskiesarelovely · 27/09/2017 10:39

I think that the 'we' is important, it can be very hard to feel that everyone has talked about you. It will make her feel isolated and like a child. Which is the opposite of what she needs, to feel close to you all, and confident enough to stand up for herself.

That doesn't mean don't tell her how you feel. If I were you I'd try and keep this in mind, boost her confidence, challenge gently and bring out what she wants, keep your friendship close, don't say 'we think' only you, ask her how she is, tell her about her good qualities, tell her no matter what you'll always be her friend.

elevenclips · 27/09/2017 10:41

This is clear cut. She is late twenties and wants children and marriage.

He doesn't want to get married and "will see" about having children within ten years. When she will be almost 40 and stuck with someone who has stolen her childbearing years with false promises. Run a mile. You did the right thing. Even if it costs the friendship, he's stringing her along because he clearly wants different things from life which is fine if he is straightforward and honest about it. But he really seems manipulati

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 27/09/2017 10:41

And similarly frieda people who do not conform to societal norms (eg ASD, Aspergers, ADD, ADHD, ODD and so forth) are not all abusive wierdos and give great emotional support to their partners.

There is no black and white, right and wrong. Jesus MN is just so rigid, some posters just have tunnel vision and no ability to find a box let alone think outside of it.

Original poster

AutumnalBear · 27/09/2017 10:43

I think you're right "Autumn" I think need to talk about what I think rather than what "we" think. Maybe she feels like she's being attacked but she said last night that she feels like we will never like any man she gets with at this rate!

OP posts:

GaryBarlowsTaxReturn · 27/09/2017 10:43

You sound like a good friend. I know it's difficult but she's responsible for her own decisions. It's very unfair of her to be annoyed with you.

Original poster

AutumnalBear · 27/09/2017 10:44

Bold fail there lol

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/09/2017 10:45

She sounds like a Right Royal PITA.

Just tell her that you did try, you said xyz (as you've said here) and that after pretty much losing your friendship last time you were openly honest you didn't want to risk it again.

Tell her, again, very straight why you think it's a bad idea to move into his house, that he's painting her out to in the wrong when she's not, that's she's fucking up her chances of meeting a nice guy & having a family. Get it all out there bluntly. Tell her you care about her & hate seeing her being manipulated like this by him and that you're sorry you didn't saynit sooner but were worried about upsettingbher like you did last time so have been holding back.

She's being a twat, but she's hurting, cut her a bit of slack through gritted teeth but get her told straight that she shouldn't do it.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 27/09/2017 10:46

Op: She's probably gone back to him now. She will tell him what you said, he will say you (and your like minded friends) are driving a wedge between them. All you can do is sit back and watch it unfold. She's an adult, she has capacity, capacity allows us to make bad decisions.

elevenclips is spot in in her summary.

You may get to pick up the piecces 15 years down the line

CoraPirbright · 27/09/2017 10:47

Oh good grief - this has disaster written all over it! She is so blind to it all she really cant see that he is having it all his own way! Wont move, wont marry, (very probably) wont have kids. She has to compromise on everything. You probably want to shake her by the shoulders but I am not sure there is really anything you can do other than wait and be there for her when it all goes tits up. Let's hope that is in a year or two and not in ten years when she has wasted her child-bearing years, has given up her job and moved from friends and family. I am all for people being honest - if you dont want children and marriage then its totally fine. But to string someone along like this, forever dangling the carrot, is despicable.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/09/2017 10:49

She's being petulant and grumpy because she knows you're right. When you care about someone, sometimes you have to ignore the defensive shit & just be there for them.

I agree that saying 'we' wasn't your best move, no one likes to feel talked about.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/09/2017 10:49

You sound like a good friend. I know it's difficult but she's responsible for her own decisions. It's very unfair of her to be annoyed with you.

I second this. There's only so much you can do. At some point you have to draw the line and if you are so inclined be there when it inevitably goes to shit. We can't live others' lives for them.

CoraPirbright · 27/09/2017 10:52

Also there's that whole sunken costs fallacy thing. If her friends are married and she has already spent a few years on this bloke, I am guessing she will feel daunted and really fed up with the idea of finishing with him and starting the search all over again. God it must seem like an awful prospect.

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