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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have been brutally honest with my friend sooner?

39 replies

AutumnalBear · 27/09/2017 10:02

I've name changed for this because I have a suspicion my friend is on here and don't want my other posts to be read by her just in case.

My friendship group are all late 20's. 2 of us are married, I have DC's and the other friend has been in a relationship for 4 years.

Our life long friendship with unmarried friend nearly ended 5 years ago because we gave our opinion on a guy who she was infatuated with. She told us it was none of our business and to stay out of it. She eventually split with him and our friendship got back on track.

Married friend and I cannot stand our friends current partner. In our opinion he's controlling, selfish and just generally a prick. We have tolerated him for 4 years as our friend appeared happy, although it has created distance between us over the years because we could never all go it together because he didn't like us and our respective DH's.

Our friend has always wanted marriage and children, he's told her he will never marry her as he doesn't agree with it and he "will see" about having children within the next 10 years. He has been pressuring our friend into moving into his house for the last two years. She clearly doesn't want to (hasn't admitted it) as she has put it off so many times and always made excuses. If she moves in with him it would mean sacrificing and moving away from her job which she loves, her family and us as her friends.

Last week she told me that they had split up because he had enough of her putting off moving in and dumped her over the phone. To be honest I was ecstatic. However yesterday she phoned me to say that she had been over to chat to him and they had agreed to give it another go if she moved in. He's clearly put all the blame on her because she was very "I have my faults" etc.

So yesterday I told her exactly what I thought of him - that he was emotionally blackmailing her, he was trying to separate her from her friends etc and I suggested she speak to our other friend who felt the same. She's become incredibly defensive over it and have blamed us both for not saying sooner and felt like we've lied to her for 4 years. I tried to explain to her that after what happened 5 years ago we were reluctant to get involved again but she's incredibly annoyed with us.

Should we have said something sooner?

OP posts:

chocorabbit · 27/09/2017 10:55

She might be temporarily angry with you (for days, weeks, months) but she might see through it eventually with the help you have given. Now, there is at least a chance!

Original poster

AutumnalBear · 27/09/2017 11:05

cora she did say to me that the thought of starting all over again is devastating to her. I did say that I met my DH in the September, we married got engaged the following Christmas, married in true August and I was pregnant by the October and we've been together 7 years strong. Once you find the right one it doesn't have to take years and years!

OP posts:

littlebird77 · 27/09/2017 11:11

Send her a text offering to take her out for a drink and leave it at that. You have done as much as a good friend can do. The boundaries of friendship are difficult sometimes, but you have done the right thing and told her your thoughts.

She will come round, trust me, all will be fine in a few weeks from now.

littlebird77 · 27/09/2017 11:13

And she can't just stay with a man you know is completely wrong for you just because it is inconvenient 'starting again' wow...that really is worrying. I commend you for listening to this crap!

Lweji · 27/09/2017 11:21

Honestly, I'd stay out of it and tell her that it doesn't matter what you or your friends think.
It looks like she will blame you for whatever happens and that's not a good position to be in.
It shouldn't matter what these blokes think either. She should decide and do what's best for her and by herself. Maybe advise her to take some time to think over her relationship and what she really wants with this man.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/09/2017 11:22

You said enough to your friend; anymore and she'd be ending the friendship. It's a really fine line and you've done what you can to let her know who her partner is.

She'll learn for herself much later down the line and she'll be sadder and wiser but nothing you say can avoid that pain for her.

Ducknose · 27/09/2017 11:26

I understand both sides but I'm sure that this on top of her relationship woes really isn't helping. She's feeling vulnerable and a bit defensive, and like you and your other friends have been colluding about her. Now that your opinion is out in the open, she's going to feel very judged and frowned upon for getting back together with him, which very well might happen.
She doesn't need your approval. She needs a friend.

Viviennemary · 27/09/2017 11:27

It's one of these times where you couldn't do the right thing IMHO. If you'd criticized him then she'd have been annoyed and defensive and because you didn't in the past she's still annoyed. I agree she knows you're right about him and is now regretting staying with him for so long. Just say let's not discuss that because it always ends badly and there's no point in falling out over it.

RideOn · 27/09/2017 12:10

No YANBU, the timing is right to tell her. You will lose her anyway if you dont.
She could have asked you during those 4 years to honestly tell you.

KatharinaRosalie · 27/09/2017 12:26

It's a tough situation as you can't really win. But your friend should also understand that this man is just stringing her along. He will not marry her. He does not want to have children with her, ever. Only thing that will change in 10 years is that she will have wasted 10 of her childbearing years on this relationship.

'Starting again' - well, not like she has really gone anywhere with this relationship? As pp said, if the man is interested in marrying and having a family with her, it does not take decades or even years.

freida20 · 27/09/2017 13:59

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin of course you are right - those that are different are not necessarily abusive! I did not mean to come across as criticising you - i merely wanted to add my own, differing opinion.
I was responding to the OP's post that the partner is controlling and not very nice at all! The friend will need the support of her friends even if he is not abusive but just a jacka* and it all goes wrong - even if she doesn't realise it at the moment. I guess maybe i do tend to think the worse and have 'tunnelvision'* when i read posts like this as having trained and dealt with so many issues around safeguarding involvng DA&V. When I read 'controlling' i assumed it meant the partner was controlling the friend - and having read it again this is not necessarily the case - he could just need to control his own environment/situation.
Those that are emotionally, psychologically or even physically abusive are quite often those that are the most charming, nicest people you could ever wish to meet - which is why in the main no-one has any clue what is going on!

Subtlecheese · 27/09/2017 14:03

You sound massively controlling. Because you and your friend don't like someone you basically stuck that friendship on the cold shelf until they tied the line, then you got "back in track. Now you've delivered an ultimatum to this friend.
I think she sounds better off without her controlling partner or so called friends.

LeninaCrowne · 27/09/2017 14:09

The friend doesn't realise that he doesn't want to marry or have children with her, but he does want her contribution to making his life more comfortable by feeding him and looking after his house for him, and contributing rent for the privilege!

if she hangs on for 10 or so years, time will be running out for children and he can swiftly move on to a younger model if he wants, while she'll be left financially disadvantaged as she is booted out of his house

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/09/2017 14:29

she feels like we will never like any man she gets with at this rate!

Well she needs to look at why she keeps picking the type of men she does - and staying with them.
This one has told her bluntly that he won't marry her and doesn't want kids.....so why is she still chasing after him?
Why is she willing to risk her own security to continue this relationship on empty promises?

The best you can do is very frank with her and not allow her to deflect responsibility.

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