IABU, about introversion

[relevantstuff]

I'm quite introverted and have always valued having time to myself, excepting DH and DTs (2). I decided to go back to work this summer and we got a live in nanny couple to cope with weird hours we both work, sometimes at short notice.

The situation is that now I rarely have a minute to myself. Due to the nature of my work I deal with quite demanding clients most of the time. When we get breaks there is literally one room to sit in and my colleagues are a nice bunch and don't want someone sat on their own.

The nanny couple are wonderful with DTs and lovely people. They came to the UK because they wanted to travel but so far they haven't, apart from the odd afternoon out in local towns.

Even on the way to and from work I share with some colleagues who live locally and the car is full of chat.

The nanny couple have booked their first holiday and i was quite excited to have some time to myself. DM though has decided to come to stay while they are away, as it would be weird staying while they are here in her opinion. I tried to get her to stay a little less time but it made her sad, and she said that if she only gets to see me for a few days a year she might as well die now.

I'm getting a little overwhelmed to the extent that I can't face eating sometimes. All my meals are taken in a group of at least four people, and the idea of having to make eye contact and conversation, appear carefree and happy, and deal with the food is too much; so I just get rid of the only aspect I can. Not that it matters tbh, I'm pretty fat. And all this talking and making eye contact is starting to make me literally dizzy.

I know that seen from a different persepctive that I have nothing to complain about AT ALL - great family, loving mother, good job with friendly colleagues, and it was my own choice to get the nanny couple. So really I'm just asking if anyone can think of a way I can politely carve out a little time and get back to appreciating all the nice people rather than dreading seeing them? Thanks

I massively sympathise, I would also find that extremely hard going. Could you possibly get out of the car share? I car shared on a temporary basis earlier this year and it made me feel physically ill: it turns out that I really need the commute on my own to organise my thoughts and get some downtime on my own.

Otherwise you need to make sure you have some alone time, even if it means going for a walk at lunchtime or sitting in your room in the evening.

Oh bless you, this would tip me over the edge!

I would also be taking a walk at lunch time, and maybe try build a hobby of some sort into your free time if you can. I am a bit obsessive about the gym at the mo, because I get 40 mins alone in the car and then a 45 min class where I can't talk to others as I'm too puffed out!

Your mum sounds a bit manipulative though. It's okay to laugh in response to her comment and say "mum, its x days less than you planned! They are here to travel so lots more opportunities to visit" then stick to it!

Good luck

Ooh I couldn't cope with that. For the first time in my life I am living alone and it SO suits me!

I would be talking long baths, going for walks, finding reasons to be late from work and eating alone in a restaurant - I could not deal with not getting some space.

Could you manufacture a works weekend thing and go to a hotel alone for a couple of nights?

Sympathise completely. i crave alone time so much and I know it's unreasonable because I should be grateful for what I have (and I am) but by god I just feel like people are demanding so much from me 24/7.

Get out of the car share - I've had to car share a couple of times and hated it.

While your mother is here, have a day by yourself. Book the tickets or whatever NOW so it's done. Train so somewhere nice, or just book a hotel room somewhere. Fm can look after the kids. Tell her it's a work meeting that got dumped on you and you're SO grateful she's here as she can babysit... etc etc.

Could you tell your mum that you got their holiday days wrong and they will be back a couple of days before they actually will be, just not working those days?

Sounds tough. At lunch is there any chance to get out for lunch on your own? Say you have to run errands or have an appointment or something vague in case a friendly staff member offers?

Or just be honest with them.

And if you haven't already, discuss with DH. Maybe you can escape one evening or day just to me you whether it's you going somewhere or him/the nanny taking the kids out depending on what's best for you.

I'm not an introvert but I did spend a lot of my home life as a kid solo and then lived alone as an adult so I really do like my own company. After having DD I was burning out after 2 years of not having anytime just me. DH and I now have a thing where one a month Saturday he takes DD off and I go into town and mooch around the shops (not much else to do here but moving soon to an area I can mix this up with a museum trip etc) and take myself out for lunch. It's like taking myself out on a date. I feel so refreshed after. Just to have my own head space to think about something of my brains choosing that isn't home life related (SAHP), to be me for a few hours.

I need room and space to myself frequently. I often turn my office light off st lunch time so it looks like I'm out (lights turn in automatically so general rule of thumb is out if light off) but people are getting wise to it - gonna start
Locking my bloody door

Tell your mum that you are suffering and really need some total solace I'm sure she'll understand

I can totally sympathise with this - sounds like you are really struggling. As others have said, try and get out of the car share so you have your journey to and from work to yourself. Take trainers to work with you and walk (alone) at lunchtime (if anyone queries it just say you have personal calls to make)

You could make up protein shakes (protein powder, banana, honey and some oats) to drink while you're walking so you can spend the whole hour instead of having to sit and eat.

At home, try and get into a (solitary) hobby which gets you out the house a couple of evenings a week (if you have live-ins this should be manageable) Again walking or cycling is ideal or even just go to the cinema by yourself!

Totally sympathise! Can you book a day off work and go out for the day on your own? Or book a hotel for the day and just chill out and read a book there?
Re lunchtime are you able to go for a walk round the block just to clear your head?

I'm also an introvert and couldn't possibly cope with the lifestyle that you have chosen.

I'd be taking every oppertunity to be alone

Find another way of commuting that's not a care share. If not possible, telling your fellow car sharers that you are leaning a language and putting on headphones on the journey ( and listen to downloaded lesson )

Tell colleagues you are getting fit and go running at lunchtime . Do the C25K programme ( again download it )

Don't socialise with nanny couple. Politely explain that you have a report to write for work and go to your bedroom.

Thanks so much everyone - I feel better already knowing that someone understands me

I am going to implement the break-time walk as of today which will be a nice break away from the chatter.

Really wish I could invent meetings and overnights and stuff, but as I'm still getting used to being back at work, I miss DTs horribly and couldn't bear to miss their dinner and bed if I don't have to!

As for the car sharing, I know it sounds daft but I just can't justify it environmentally when we all live so close and are going to the same place! I do drive myself when I have odd hours and I have some next week so looking forward to that

Thanks again :)

How about getting up early before everyone else?

OP no suggestions other than to go for a walk at lunchtime if poss but I really do sympathise!

I had a team away day with work yesterday. Meting all day then a 1.5 hour turnaround before dinner. Someone came to find me in the 1.5 hour turnaround because we were both on our own! Arrgghh yes I know! It was lovely and I need it to recharge.

It must be hard for non introverts to understand. And most of the time people really think they're doing the right thing.

Hard to make the point without sounding standoffish isn't it? I wish it was socially acceptable to just state facts ('I need to be on my own for a bit, see you later') without people taking offence or thinking there's something wrong.

I think having two live in nannies constantly in your home would drive anyone insane - is that really the only solution?

Would it be possible for you to change to a job with more regular hours (even just while your DTs are very little)? Then they could go to a childminder/nursery or have a day nanny, and you would get your life back.

What you essentially have at the moment is two visitors who never leave. No wonder you are stressed!

Live in au pairs / nannies is not good for introverts IMO. If you really have to continue with it, could you negotiate it so that they sometimes leave you alone in the evenings?

I too would ditch the car share. I really can't be doing with chatty people first thing. I understand your environmental concerns but your mental well-being needs to be a priority too.

There is an offer on for dinner for two & a night in a Village hotel for £69 valid I think next couple of months. Treat the nanny couple to that another time and don't tell your DM so you can have a quiet family weekend at home?

So pleased to read this, thought it was just me! Especially the car sharing thing - I have in the past refused to do that.

There's so much said about loneliness being a killer, and people complaining they can go all day without speaking to anyone. It's like those of us who choose to be that way must be wrong.

I enjoy my own company and like to pick & choose my social times carefully. All that enforced interaction would drive me mad. When I worked with others I always went for a walk at lunchtimes and now fortunately I work on my own at home - heaven!

Is it possible to implement a family night/day once a week where you give the nanny £20 to go out to the cinema or whatever she chooses and you guys hang out together.

How old are DT?

Like babysitting in reversed

*reverse not reversed!

I am an introvert and have had au.pairs for past 6 years. It is really hard but we need this form of childcare because of our jobs.

Our au pairs have a room on a separate floor which makes a difference. It helps them too as they obviously like a bit of privacy. I do find it hard when they come and watch me cooking or something when I just want to be alone.

I tend to sit in my room and rear or watch tv when kids are asleep but it does mean I stay up too late. I also have train journeys where I don't have to speak to anyone.

Omigod, I very much empathise with you on this one. Having people live with you is so hard. They want to chat over lunch or whatever and I just want silence! And it's not their fault, our yours.

This is going to sound really wanky, but do you meditate? When I was working in a full on all day talky job, I literally couldn't speak by the time I got home. I found it so hard to throw myself into the evening routine straight from work. After chatting with my DH we decided I would have 20 minutes or so time to go and meditate before having to speak to anyone after work. It kind of helps me to focus on the next part of the day and recharge a bit too.

I also think having a couple is a particular problem - a single nanny would be much more driven to go out and socialise, meet friends, travel, study etc. A couple will be much more likely to stay in and nest - changes the whole dynamic (and is what makes a couple less popular to house share with).

I'd be inclined to start a new fitness regime that meant you getting up early to walk as well as walk at lunchtimes.

Could you cycle to work?

Swimming at lunchtime is also very good for alone time.

My cure for this is having an allotment.