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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

IABU, about introversion

62 replies

relevantstuff · 27/09/2017 08:04

I'm quite introverted and have always valued having time to myself, excepting DH and DTs (2). I decided to go back to work this summer and we got a live in nanny couple to cope with weird hours we both work, sometimes at short notice.

The situation is that now I rarely have a minute to myself. Due to the nature of my work I deal with quite demanding clients most of the time. When we get breaks there is literally one room to sit in and my colleagues are a nice bunch and don't want someone sat on their own.

The nanny couple are wonderful with DTs and lovely people. They came to the UK because they wanted to travel but so far they haven't, apart from the odd afternoon out in local towns.

Even on the way to and from work I share with some colleagues who live locally and the car is full of chat.

The nanny couple have booked their first holiday and i was quite excited to have some time to myself. DM though has decided to come to stay while they are away, as it would be weird staying while they are here in her opinion. I tried to get her to stay a little less time but it made her sad, and she said that if she only gets to see me for a few days a year she might as well die now.

I'm getting a little overwhelmed to the extent that I can't face eating sometimes. All my meals are taken in a group of at least four people, and the idea of having to make eye contact and conversation, appear carefree and happy, and deal with the food is too much; so I just get rid of the only aspect I can. Not that it matters tbh, I'm pretty fat. And all this talking and making eye contact is starting to make me literally dizzy.

I know that seen from a different persepctive that I have nothing to complain about AT ALL - great family, loving mother, good job with friendly colleagues, and it was my own choice to get the nanny couple. So really I'm just asking if anyone can think of a way I can politely carve out a little time and get back to appreciating all the nice people rather than dreading seeing them? Thanks

OP posts:

52FestiveRoad · 27/09/2017 09:30

My cure for this is having an allotment. I'm impressed. I never got a moments peace on my plot. Always some bugger coming over wanting to talk about comfrey tea and whether I had any remedies for broad bean rust.

5rivers7hills · 27/09/2017 09:35

Cycle to work?

Go for walks in your breaks - to get a bit of fresh air/exercise?

Long baths?

Don't you have anywhere separate in the house you can sit? Are the nanny couple always in the same room as you?

CrabappleCake · 27/09/2017 09:53

52FestiveRoad I find that wearing headphones helps as does always looking very, very busy!! Even when I'm not.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/09/2017 10:40

That would be my idea of hell - I need space by myself at some point every day or I just don't function. I could never have another couple live with me - you have my sympathies. Could you just bear your mum being a bit sad, not give in to the emotional blackmail and give yourself some space. Or when the nanny couple come back take yourself off to a hotel for the night for some quiet and solitude?

ReggaetonLente · 27/09/2017 10:44

Another one who completely understands. This would drain the life out of me.

When things get like this for me, everyone pulling at me from all sides and no time to decompress, i either take a WFH day or a day off sick. Shut myself in a room alone with my laptop or a book. I never feel guilty because I see it as a mental health day.

Don't know if that's an option for you but if it is I encourage it.

NC04 · 27/09/2017 10:57

Another who understands. We've had a friend staying for the last two weeks, on and off, and it's doing my nut in.

DP's usually really quiet, but if he has friends round the noise level goes up drastically, as he'll put the radio on and have a drink, so inhibitions go out the window and he'll be fighting to be heard over the music as well. I try my best to put up with it, but the house is small so there's no where I can get away from the noise.

Then there's the fact that the friend hasn't seen me for years, so wants to chat with me if DP's not around, but sometimes I need to be able to go into a room to get something without being bombarded with questions. I do feel guilty as I know I come across as being a horrible bitch, but I can't help it. I can't cope with endless conversation. I need a book and a quiet room.

FfionFlorist · 27/09/2017 11:04

I understand this very well too. when my 3 dc were a little older than yours I perfected the art of going to their sports training and standing by the side of the pitch for several hours every weekend without talking to anyone and if I'm honest not really watching the rugby or the whatever and drifting off into my own space.

Got me through.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/09/2017 11:05

To start with get yourself out at lunchtime. Buy a Fitbit or track your steps on your phone - that'll help with weight-loss, too. Then ask your work friends to drop you off a mile from work, so that you have some time to yourself before you start work. In the evening could you go swimming?

Do the nanny couple sit in the same living room as you at night?

RhiannonOHara · 27/09/2017 11:14

Can you get to work another way? Public transport or bike?

Also I'd put off your mum's visit or at least shorten it. You sound like you really need some time to yourself. She's just guilt-tripping you.

Nikephorus · 27/09/2017 11:19

As for the car sharing, I know it sounds daft but I just can't justify it environmentally when we all live so close and are going to the same place!
Better that the environment suffers a bit than your mental health. Even if you just drove yourself a couple of times a week it would help. I couldn't cope without loads of me time - I'd fall apart so quickly if I had your life.

littlebird77 · 27/09/2017 11:21

I am not an introvert but I badly need quiet time to myself every day. If I don't have that time alone I get very overwhelmed and stressed, it really does affect my sense of well being and balance. I don't know why I am like this. I couldn't have someone living in my house, but I understand you have to because of your work.

I would set up the arrangements at home so you have somewhere quiet to retreat to.

I wake up early so I can be by myself for a while without anyone else around

Lunchtime I would find a place to have lunch on my own and go there with a book or kindle every day. Tell your colleagues you need some fresh air so they are not offended.

Every weekend/time off during the week your dh needs to take your dt out so you can have the house just to yourself.

I would also revisit the au pair arrangement and see if I could have a local nanny on call instead, you would at least get your house back.

Northend77 · 27/09/2017 11:23

Wow! I am quite a social person and love being around people, not introverted at all but all that would suffocate me! Your sleep is the only downtime you are getting! Glad to see you are going to take a walk at lunchtime - I do that sometimes and either listen to music or just the surrounding nature, find a bench to sit on half way and just breathe!

Northend77 · 27/09/2017 11:24

I have 2 year old twins too so can sympathise with how demanding they can be!!

Motoko · 27/09/2017 11:53

You've had lots of good ideas about how to try and get some time to yourself, but I just want to address what your mum said.

I tried to get her to stay a little less time but it made her sad, and she said that if she only gets to see me for a few days a year she might as well die now

Is she normally this manipulative? You shouldn't let her get away with that, just because she's your mother, that's a really nasty thing to say to your child.
Tell her that she can stay from x-y and don't let her guilt trip you into having her for longer. You need some time to yourself, and you and DH need time alone to spend as a family with your children.

If you can deal with demanding clients, I'm sure you can deal with your mum, use the same techniques you use on them, to deal with her.

Original poster

relevantstuff · 27/09/2017 13:16

Thanks so much everyone

I went for a walk in my free time and my head already feels a bit clearer.

I really like the idea of paying for the nanny couple to have the odd night out as well. It would be a nice treat for them and a good way to get some quiet time!

Honestly I think they are really just sticking plasters for a long-term bigger problem, as I can certinaly see a couple of years of having nannies ahead of us, maybe more. I suppose I'll just have to get used to it.

About my mother, I think she's just being honest rather than manipulative. She's always telling me that I'm wonderful and there's noone she's rather spend time with and how a phonecall from me makes her day. I just try to see it positively and as a compliment, and then file away in my mind not to behave the same with my DTs when they are older!

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 27/09/2017 13:38

I think if you have these little breaks booked in, it will help your mental health long term. It may not seem like much and it may evolve as the kids get older or circumstances change but you hopefully won't feel so claustrophobic and crowded.

I have my day once a month and it really has done so much to stabilise me, make me feel more myself and just not feel stuck. There has been the odd month I've had to skip but it's been ok because I know I can still have me time and it's coming whereas before I was stuck in the never ending cycle.

Glad you feel a bit of a change already! x

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/09/2017 17:01

I feel for your mum as you don't want her there when the nannies are there (quite understandably) and don't want her there when they're not! (Also understandably.)

Original poster

relevantstuff · 27/09/2017 18:37

As they get older, I think I'll heavily encourage them to take up football... standing in a dream by the pitch for 90 minutes sounds lovely!!

I'd be quite happy to have my Mum there when the nannies are there; it's her who doesn't want to come!

OP posts:

Motoko · 27/09/2017 18:42

DM though has decided to come to stay while they are away, as it would be weird staying while they are here in her opinion

It's not that OP doesn't want her mum there when the nannies are there, but her mum who's decided that.

OP, what your mum said is manipulative. It's like someone threatening suicide when their ex won't get back with them. You're obviously close to your mum so don't see it for what it is.

Motoko · 27/09/2017 18:43

Bugger, bold fail.

zzzzz · 27/09/2017 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penny4UrThoughts · 27/09/2017 22:11

I am not an introvert but I badly need quiet time to myself every day. If I don't have that time alone I get very overwhelmed and stressed, it really does affect my sense of well being and balance.

Littlebird - are you sure you are not in introvert - that's very nearly the definition right there!

A lot of people think it's someone that is shy, or doesn't enjoy company or is socially anxious - and these are all traits that some introverts have - but some extroverts have them too. An introvert is someone that needs time alone to recharge, social situations use up their energy and alone time recharges it. An extrovert is the opposite.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/09/2017 23:28

I don't think that's an introvert. You can need space and be very out going.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/09/2017 23:29

Introvert definition is shy.

Anatidae · 28/09/2017 07:47

Introversion isn't shyness. It's the need for alone time/space to recharge.

The definition is that if you gain energy from being around people you're an extrovert and if you gain energy from being alone you're an introvert. It's not shyness. I'm not shy in any way shape or form but I am strongly introverted.

I think a lot of extroverts think 'they're just shy so I need to include them and drag them out more' which is about as wrong as it gets. Introverts aren't shy. They can be around you, they just actively don't want to be

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