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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

aibu to love this blog post about why formula feeding is brilliant?!

822 replies

girlwithasecretsmile · 26/09/2017 20:42

I think it's great to have a post talking about good things about formula for once but part of me feels bad for laughing so much.

passmethebottleblog.wordpress.com/

OP posts:
tiktok · 27/09/2017 17:05

NerrSnerr, I'm pretty sure you're right.

There is a trend among bloggers and personal experience writers to demolish what they think are impossible parenting 'standards' and 'norms' ...and saying that 'the truth' is that breastfeeding makes you look like a beanbag and you stink of milk and you are pinned to the sofa with bleeding nipples for hours on end yadda yadda yadda is all part of this trend.

Of course breastfeeding is not an unremitting heavenly experience, and of course it can be miserable and painful and worse.....but to denigrate the whole experience in a way that sneers, snarks and sniggers at it, and by implication, the mothers that do it, is not especially funny. It's certainly not original! It's being done ALL THE TIME. Really, it is!

Women who have a bad time breastfeeding might feel a bit better thinking that they were mad to even try in the first place, I suppose. But it does nothing to minimise any judgmentalism and moralising, does it?

IroningMountain · 27/09/2017 17:05

Are you trying to infer that the judging of formula doesn't happen?

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2017 17:10

She doesn't. Of course she doesn't. Although everyone who makes a categorical statement should expect to be questioned on it, surely?

But I am fed up of the constant refrain that formula feeders are forever running the gamut of tuts and judgement and being told by total strangers that they are abusing their baby. That formula feeders are a beleaguered minority. I have held my tongue up till now because I drank the "mustn't question a formula user" koolaid.

pictish · 27/09/2017 17:11

I think some pro breastfeeding mums imagine that formula feeders naturally assume a lower rank as a parent, so when an article like this one, unapologetically celebrating the convenience and (in my own experience) all round brilliance of bottle feeding compared to the (in my own experience) bind and misery of breastfeeding pops up, their noses are put out of joint.

How very dare she refuse to be inferior eh?

existentialmoment · 27/09/2017 17:14

its more how dare she be such an insufferable judgemental twat, but hey if you identify with her, crack on.

pictish · 27/09/2017 17:17

I do...I do. I breastfed two and not the third, so I can totally relate.

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2017 17:19

"Are you trying to infer that the judging of formula doesn't happen?"

You know what? Outside of some particularly wanky NCT type groups I think I am. I think it's very easy if you are feeling at all vulnerable -like when you've just had a baby, for example- to feel judged whatever you're doing. And I don't actually believe that a sane stranger would walk up to a woman feeding a baby and actually say "Don't you care about your baby?" or any of the things people have reported. Because the vast majority of women ff. So these judge people must be incredibly busy!

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2017 17:20

"How very dare she refuse to be inferior eh?"

I don't want her to be inferior. I want her not to be an areshole.p

pictish · 27/09/2017 17:22

I really don't see why any of you are being vitriolic about her. According to this thread she's selfish, an arsehole, a twat and everything else asides....but really, all she has done is said that she prefers bottle feeding and listed the reasons why.
What's anyone's beef with that?

Sayyouwill · 27/09/2017 17:33

You know what? Outside of some particularly wanky NCT type groups I think I am. I think it's very easy if you are feeling at all vulnerable -like when you've just had a baby, for example- to feel judged whatever you're doing. And I don't actually believe that a sane stranger would walk up to a woman feeding a baby and actually say "Don't you care about your baby?" or any of the things people have reported. Because the vast majority of women ff. So these judge people must be incredibly busy!

I totally, totally agree @BertrandRussell .
People always whinge about how judged they feel as formula feeders.... but by who?! 99% of the population bottlefeed and out of the 1% who breastfeed, half the time they're too busy being used as a human cow (and I say that as someone who loved breastfeeding) to give a crap about anyone else!
I combi feed so I'm the worst of the worst. My son has formula during the day but breastmilk first thing in the morning and before bed. This is because I work and I can't always express enough to keep him going throughout the day.
I know why many mothers choose to formula feed, I know several who did, and fair enough! The Drs I had never pushed breastfeeding on me, neither did my family, my friends, my colleagues, my neighbours cat's aunt or anyone! In fact no one even asks. If I happen to mention how I feed it's usually met with a nod and a shrug, or general disinterest.... BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.

If you start a debate about what's 'better', then you'll see everyone's opinion and some will be pushier than others, but in actual real life, I've never seen someone shame a formula feeding mother. Being shamed for breastfeeding however is a different story and this genuinely does happen.

napmeistergeneral · 27/09/2017 17:36

"there is SO MUCH out there telling you how great breastfeeding is and how if you don’t breastfeed you are basically raising a psychopath who’ll be unable to form relationships, will never succeed in life and will be an emotionally stunted muppet"

This is her starting point though. Where is this "out there" where such things are said? I've never heard or read anything like that, it's utterly hyperbolic, so she's defending herself against an imagined criticism of formula that's utterly extreme - and only in her mind.

This is why it comes across as ridiculous. I don't think anyone cares as much as she does about how she fed her baby.

pictish · 27/09/2017 17:42

I think this is down to the woman having the audacity to not only be totally ok with her choice, but even actively proud of it. Some of you can't handle it.

DixieNormas · 27/09/2017 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aderyn17 · 27/09/2017 17:50

The maon problem with bf and ff is that hcp are not honest with pg women.
My experience was that they skirted around the difficulties of bf, highlighting only that it is natural/better, so it came as a shock first time around to find out it was painful, my nipples would crack, that afterpains would make me feel like my womb was going to fall out, that I would randomly leak gallons of milk all over my shirt in the supermarket! No, they all kept that shit very quiet.
It's true that hcp make you feel very guilty for ff - it is impossible to hear anythibg positive about it and there is lots which really is good.

It's time to accept that while bf is the optimum choice, if you have a baby who won't latch on, or bf is causing you to bleed and cry every time you feed, or you don't have a great supply and going to bed and eating/sleeping for 48 hours isn't an option (my hv's advice) because you have a)other children b) a job, then ff is bloody marvellous.
It would be nice to have heard that occasionally, instead of all the 'bf is the only choice for a good mother to make'.

tiktok · 27/09/2017 17:50

pictish, I don't think anyone minds anyone saying they prefer ff to bf - it's the ridiculous posturing it's couched in which smacks of a puerile sour grapes that's not even funny....even judged as a piece of writing it's rubbish. And if you write a blog post like that, it's fair enough to be judged on the quality of the writing.

Bertrand, you'll know I've been around here since dinosaurs roamed the web. I have seen judgy posts about ff - maybe about five to 10 times (ones which call formula 'junk' or who say they can't understand why someone wouldn't even try to bf or who say it's like smoking around your baby or suggest ff is laziness...that sort of thing). Without exception, these posts have been jumped on and criticised - often (IMO) out of all proportion to the offence. Sometimes it's because some women who did not bf, or who did not bf for as long as they wanted to, are hurting and angry about their experience, and for want of a better word, hit out about it. Sometimes the jumping on is because some people like a twatty bun fight.

In real life, I have never heard anyone shout at another woman 'formula is poison!' but on this thread it's happened to one woman three times. Do I think she's lying about it? Not necessarily (though people lie all the time in real life and on internet forums) - but it has to be the yelling of a particularly stupid, or nasty, or mentally ill person, and not really to be taken as a serious indicator of public opinion.

Sometimes, women who ff are embarrassed and disappointed. They don't need to be embarrassed, but it's understandable to be disappointed if they had other plans. That's what leads them to be super sensitive to what they think are 'looks' of disapproval from other people, I think. I do know women who have dreaded bringing out a bottle at an event where (they think) everyone else is breastfeeding, and who say they felt people judged them. I think it's more likely that the same people 'judging' either did not notice, did not care, or were careful not to say anything in case they put their foot in it. The resulting atmosphere is then interpreted as silent disapproval.

When it comes to feeding, a bit more sensitivity all round is welcome - and that doesn't include stupid, unamusing blog posts that sneer at breastfeeding.

mrsRosaPimento · 27/09/2017 17:53

Really Bertrand?! I have a life off here, so my brain fills up with other stuff! It's only someone else's opinion, not a life changing moment. You're funny and slightly defensive.Grin

pictish · 27/09/2017 17:57

Some people's egos are very fragile.

IroningMountain · 27/09/2017 18:00

I think those that formula feed are the most reliable source as regards commenting on the judging formula feeding mothers get Bertrand not you.

I have breast fed and formula fed. Believe you me I had far far more judging and unpleasantness as regards formula feeding than I ever did breast feeding.

Loving the victim blaming and assumption that we all must be super sensitive vulnerable little women.

Because Bertrand says so.Hmm

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2017 18:03

"I think this is down to the woman having the audacity to not only be totally ok with her choice, but even actively proud of it. Some of you can't handle it."
There us is again. I think it's great if people are totally OK with their choices.But I can't understand why anyone would be "actively proud" of ff. Actively proud of having made the right decision of course. But surely that applies to however you choose to feed, surely. Making the decision that's right for you is something to be proud of. Whatever it is.

PodgeBod · 27/09/2017 18:05

Ironing
I have also formula and breastfed and I agree with Bertrand. I am judged for breastfeeding all the time and have cried many times over comments that have been made to me. That never happened with my first who was on the bottle.

pictish · 27/09/2017 18:05

I concur. So why are so many people doing their nut about it on this thread, namecalling and tearing her down?

tiktok · 27/09/2017 18:05

Aderyn, I do agree that a full picture of bf and ff needs to be shared with mothers who ask about it.

But HCPs who don't say anything to women who need help with feeding that 'bf is naturall/better' is just indicative of rubbish postnatal care.

You say that bf was painful (yes, it can be), your nipples cracked (ouch, and not uncommon), afterpains were awful (they happen with formula feeding, too - the uterus has to contract down, no avoiding them, really, nothing to do with bf), and you would randomly leak ( very common - thankfully for most women short lived and dealt with by breastpads, and not confined to breastfeeding either, as formula feeding women still produce, and leak, milk for a time).

None of that is a secret, though - I am always surprised when people say breastfeeding problems were a surprise! A bit of reading and wandering through forums like here reveal a lot, don't they? Having said that, HCPs who dont know how these problems are fixed need retraining.

" 'bf is the only choice for a good mother to make'." WHO says this? WHO says ppl who ff are not good mothers?? Anyone worth listening to? I think not. Where have you got that quote?

IroningMountain · 27/09/2017 18:05

Why can't you be proud of formula feeding?

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2017 18:06

"Loving the victim blaming and assumption that we all must be super sensitive vulnerable little women."
I didn't actually say that. I said that if you have a small baby it is very easy to feel judged whatever you do. And very easy to think it's because you are ff/bf/using a dummy/not using a dummy- anything. Who judged you and made unpleasant comments, by the way?

BertrandRussell · 27/09/2017 18:08

"Why can't you be proud of formula feeding"

Why would you be? Proud of keeping a baby fed and happy. But why proud of ff? Or bf? It's just feeding.