Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find holding my tongue impossible!

66 replies

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever · 26/09/2017 15:50

I'm recently engaged and we're planning our wedding.
I've had a strained relationship with my MiL2b for quite a while. But I'm finding it more and more difficult to hold my tongue.
Since we have got engaged she's seemed to have an opinion on everything. From where we should have our engagement party, what food we should serve and who's to be invited to whether or not the venue we love is too "itty bitty".
I said that I'd quite like a small intimate wedding. Her response was "No. (Insert Husband to be's name) wants a posh wedding. You need to let him have it otherwise he'll resent you." "I don't want my son having the type of wedding me and his father had. It was an absolute sham." They are recently divorced but were sitting next to each other at a family function (for appearance sakes).
She has told my parents that me and fiance don't like their ideas.
Told me that if it all goes to pot I'll carry on with my life quite happily but H2B will be devastated- like I'm the aloof, going along with it for the ride type of person.
She doesn't care who she hurts or offends and I'm honestly getting tired of it.
I'm so excited for our wedding and happier than I've ever been but I'm getting worn down by the comments and her constant involvement.
Fiance won't talk to me about it as I think he thinks I'm just being unnecessarily rude as I take so much then explode into a bitchy comment or two (or three) I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it.
I just want to tell her to piss of but that's going to drive a wedge between us which is ultimately what she wants.
There's so much that I've tried to sweep under the rug when it comes to her bitchiness that I feel it unraveling beneath me. I don't want to spoil the happiest times of our lives by arguing about her but can't keep going on the way we are.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 26/09/2017 17:48

Why are you going ahead with arranging wedding stuff when you can't communicate openly or honestly with each other?

Don't be a fool and think "it will sort itself out" because he's showing you right now that he can't/won't stand up to his mum.
He's showing you that you're on your own when it comes to dealing with mil, and that no matter what you do/say, no matter how right you may be - you will ALWAYS be in the wrong when it comes to his mum.

He can't be that great a catch if he won't support you.
Take your rose tinted specs off and give them a good wipe clean.......this will be your life even when kids come along.
Currently, she's undermining your role as his partner.
Once dc arrive she will undermine your role as mother.

Why are you so desperate to marry him?
Why can't you say "We either discuss this openly and find a way forward or the wedding's off"?

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever · 26/09/2017 17:54

Thank you all very much. Will confront him once I get home from work.
Will be back as will likely need more advice.

OP posts:
Herechickychicky · 26/09/2017 18:02

She sounds horrid! Controlling and manipulative. Poor you.

It's going to take time for him to learn a different way of relating to her, but he is going to have to learn somehow. You say your relationship is otherwise good; I suggest as a first step sitting calmly and trying to get him to agree that the current situation is not working.

Then agree some basic parameters. You might have to concede some ground but so must hex make it clear that if he isn't willing to address this you are not sure if you have a strong future together.

When you are with her (and try and minimise that, twice a week is MADNESS), I would put together a rotating script that always ends the same, like this:

"Well that's an idea, but....
Interesting thought, but...
Thanks for the suggestion, but...
Gosh that sounds lovely, but...

... we're going to stick to the plan we agreed."

If he isn't able to say it too (he's got to get there at some point but I appreciate these things take time and you need help now)- perhaps he could agree to at least nod and hold your hand as a sign of his allegiance?

Say a version of it over and over again, every time. Perfectly pleasantly but firmly. Imagine yourself as an actress playing a part in a play. Make it a comedy in your head if it helps, Meet The Parents style.

You might also practice "Oh Linda, I don't think we need to worry about that" with a sympathetic head tilt that suggests you think she's acting badly for her more rude comments such as your wedding being a sham or whatever it was. Pretend you're dealing with a aged and confused relative in your head if it helps. Sympathetic but firm bemusement.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 26/09/2017 18:03

Good luck. Flowers

Herechickychicky · 26/09/2017 18:04

If you're having it out with him tonight can I suggest starting with something like

"Please can we have a proper talk about how we relate to your Mum. I know you've been upset with how I've responded to her. I'm upset too. Please can we sit and work it out together without arguing?"

Should you have to? No.
Will it make it more likely to succeed? Almost certainly.

schoolgaterebel · 26/09/2017 18:08

Sounds like you spend far too much to me with MIL2B.

schoolgaterebel · 26/09/2017 18:09

*time

PacificDogwod · 26/09/2017 18:26

Good luck Thanks

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 26/09/2017 18:38

Good luck. Flowers

AuroraBora · 26/09/2017 18:44

Good luck OP.

Fwiw we are in a similar situation, with MIL trying to dictate wedding dates and venues.

However, from the off me and DF have been a team, discussing what we want and when we want it. So when MIL stuck her oar in to say we couldn't get married in May because xyz, DF was the first explaining we'll pick whatever date suits us.

Ultimately if your DF won't present that united front then you've got years of shit coming your way.

Oh and if anyone offers to pay for any part of your wedding, treat it as a gift and not as them buying a say in your big day. If they try to dictate anything then refund them.

LakieLady · 26/09/2017 19:13

My ex and I got married in secret, with just his sis and bil as witnesses, because we knew what ever plans we made would be meddled with like mad by his bonkers mother.

She wouldn't have given up until she'd converted me from committed atheism so we could get married in a Catholic church. She'd already tried that one when his sis got married.

glitterlips1 · 26/09/2017 19:19

I am such an idiot! I read the title and sat there actually holding my tongue to see if I could do it! Grin

tigercub50 · 26/09/2017 19:44

Glitterlips1 I must admit to thinking it was a funny title!

Voiceforreason · 26/09/2017 20:06

I don't agree that 'shutting down' is passive agressive behaviour. It is a learned response by those unfortunate to be in any sort of family relationship with an agressive domineering person. These people know that what ever they say they will be in the wrong and their replies will be used to esculate the argument still further. I have seen quite young children employ this tactic in the vain hope that they won't be in deeper trouble.

Op if your dp displays this behaviour I feel very sorry for him. He has clearly been domineered by an overbearing mother. Don't enter into this power struggle. Calmly talk with him about the wedding you both want and envisage and then go out and book it all. The way to win here is never to be more domineering yourself but to outsmart the mil in such a way that no right minded person could ever object, so that if she raises objections, she clearly shows hwerself to be massively controlling. People will then not take her side. Good luck.

guilty100 · 27/09/2017 09:32

I agree that your husband sounds like the victim of life-long parental bullying. I suspect it's this that makes him a "wet lettuce", and it's very different from being a "mummy's boy". And people CAN change their relationship with their parents, which is also often a relationship with how they are perceived by the outside world. A lot of people who have been the subject of domineering behaviour tend to worry a lot about this - to the point that they sometimes don't even know their own mind independently of it.

Hope your discussion went OK, OP.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 27/09/2017 16:20

How did it go Op? Any progress?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page