To find holding my tongue impossible!

[IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever]

I'm recently engaged and we're planning our wedding.
I've had a strained relationship with my MiL2b for quite a while. But I'm finding it more and more difficult to hold my tongue.
Since we have got engaged she's seemed to have an opinion on everything. From where we should have our engagement party, what food we should serve and who's to be invited to whether or not the venue we love is too "itty bitty".
I said that I'd quite like a small intimate wedding. Her response was "No. (Insert Husband to be's name) wants a posh wedding. You need to let him have it otherwise he'll resent you." "I don't want my son having the type of wedding me and his father had. It was an absolute sham." They are recently divorced but were sitting next to each other at a family function (for appearance sakes).
She has told my parents that me and fiance don't like their ideas.
Told me that if it all goes to pot I'll carry on with my life quite happily but H2B will be devastated- like I'm the aloof, going along with it for the ride type of person.
She doesn't care who she hurts or offends and I'm honestly getting tired of it.
I'm so excited for our wedding and happier than I've ever been but I'm getting worn down by the comments and her constant involvement.
Fiance won't talk to me about it as I think he thinks I'm just being unnecessarily rude as I take so much then explode into a bitchy comment or two (or three) I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it.
I just want to tell her to piss of but that's going to drive a wedge between us which is ultimately what she wants.
There's so much that I've tried to sweep under the rug when it comes to her bitchiness that I feel it unraveling beneath me. I don't want to spoil the happiest times of our lives by arguing about her but can't keep going on the way we are.

He loves the venue too. Until she picks faults with it and he either agrees or says nothing rather than standing up for what we want, leaving me to do it and look like the bitch.
I just don't get it. He doesn't take crap from anyone, but seems to let her walk all over him, me, pretty much anyone who gets in her way.

Do you really want this for your entire married life? It is doubtful that it will get better, sorry.

He's been trained to give into her over his entire life. It's a shame he behaves that way but you don't have to put up with it and it's up to him to deal with it. If he won't then it's really not a good idea to marry him, believe me.

He needs to see the light. He needs to see that by kowtowing to his mother he's destroying his own life. He knows deep down that if he stands up to her she will punish him and he loves her so he doesn't want that, but he'll have to accept it if he has any hope. It's going to be really really hard for him and you should have every sympathy for him but you shouldn't get sucked in to be used as a human shield.

Addressing it is the easier part , telling him you feel hurt and like he doesn't have your back , and he's not supporting you or the decisions you've made as a couple. That you two need to decide what you want (and the wedding is just one issue ) and stick with it. That your adult relationship needs to be put first

Solving or resolving this problem ..probably a lot harder. I can tell you as someone who comes from a dysfunctional controlling family with very complicated roles/power structure..this stuff is DEEPLY engrained and complicated. You may need some pre marital counseling. Or you may need to be prepared to move on, if he can't let go of mommys control over his life.

"We need to sort out your mohers attitude to me and the wedding, and the fact that you never ever back me up or stand your ground with her. Because if we dont then I am seriously reconsidering whether we should get married at all"

And mean it.

I can tell you for a fact that it will only get worse, especially if/when you have kids.

If he doesnt stand up to her now then he never will, and it WILL split you up eventually, the resentment will simply grow to large to ignore.

Sorry, I have to agree with PP. You have a fiancé problem there.

And I suspect you will have to be a bit harsh make it clear that when it comes to YOUR wedding (yours and his), this is your (together)decision and not his mum's.
That you need him to stick to the decisions you have taken, even if his mum isn't happy with it.
Remind him that you are going to be his wife, the person he is going to spend his life with, the one he will be living with. That means he needs to have your back. End of.
Imo it's an issue of respect.

The problem is you can't do anything to make things better. You can explain how you feel, what you need. But it's up to him to decide if he is siding with you or your mum. He is the one who will have to decide if he is leaving his mum walk all over him and you.
His choice will tell yOU a lot about him and his priorities.

"He needs to see the light. He needs to see that by kowtowing to his mother he's destroying his own life. He knows deep down that if he stands up to her she will punish him and he loves her so he doesn't want that, but he'll have to accept it if he has any hope. It's going to be really really hard for him and you should have every sympathy for him but you shouldn't get sucked in to be used as a human shield."

Perfectly put. He needs to see how this will fuck his whole life, big time.

First you have to find out what kind of wedding your fiancé wants. And take it from there. Why do mil's have such an impact on people's lives. If she starts to go on about it just say nothing has been decided yet. But if she wants a lavish do then she pays for it.

extra time he agrees with her just ask him "why are you agreeing yo something you don't want?" "We decide on this together, it's our wedding not here she does not get to change what we want" and see what he does. If he doesn't speak up.then run a mile because this is your life forever with him. If he cannot speak up and tell his mum what he wants is not what she wants then it will be the same story over everything in your life and 200 times worse if you have kids.

It's really not worth it. You will go through life always being 2nd best to his dm and being 'the bad guy' for standing up to her. It doesn't matter if he loves you if he cannot be a proper supportive partner who has your back them then its all a sham.

From somebody who has been married for 20 years to somebody who struggles with communication, beware.

I agree with everybody who is saying your problem is your H2B and not primarily your MiL.
He 'shuts down', does he?
That is classic passive-aggressive behaviour and really difficult to live with.

Extra? Wtf?
Next time.

I'm with Pyongyang

Can't you be strategic and have a 'meeting' to discuss the wedding in some public place. Then let her have her say and let DH have his and then chip in yourself, so it's transparent to everyone invited that you're not being Bridezilla, she is being manipulative. You can sweetly say, M-i_L - I know you're concerned that DH is keen for a virgin bride to burst out of a Disney Castle cake surrounded by cheering peasants and anything less will make him miserable and resentful. DH, is that right?

"I would say to your H2B that either he deals with his mother or the wedding is off."

Or, you could simply wait until the next time when you are all together and she, bitches, domineers, and discounts your choices and ... ignoring her ... turn to him and tell him he's got 60 seconds to decide whose wedding it is and you'll be waiting outside.

Let her rant on, then say "Nevertheless......."

he won't hear a word of criticism against his mother and he won't step in even if she says "he thinks this" and it's incorrect.

the message about who he is and what he wants is crystal clear OP.

I wouldn't set up a situation for a face off! I would say you have all the facts. Now you have to decide how to proceed from here. Be aware that even if you say to him "you have to stand up to your mother" he might do this for a month and then fall back into old ways.

In the gentlest possible way OP, why are you marrying a spineless mummy's boy who doesn't have your back, won't defend you or speak up for you, and allows his bitchy mother to run you and your ideas into the ground?

"Sort your mother out, or I'm not marrying you."

It's as simple as that. You are setting yourself up for years of future misery if you sit back and do nothing. The circus will continue coming to town, and the lioness will continue to take bigger swipes at you every time her darling cub opens the cage and lets her out.

Is this how you envisage your married life? You and him arguing every time she acts like a hag towards you, with him doing nothing about it while your resentment and anger festers and grows?

Fuck that.

Run for the hills"..................

You really, really need to thrash this out with him now.

If he acceedes to his mother's requests/orders/opinions over yours now, your marriage and your future with him will be hell.

He needs to grow up and decide if he wants to be mummy's boy or if he wants to be your husband.

If he won't support you now, he won't support you ever. Wake up and see him for who he really is, give him the chance to change and if he won't, run as far away as you can.

Leave him with his mummy because he will have proved he's not a responsible adult.

"Sort your mother out, or I'm not marrying you."

This ^

Mummys boys never change. The more you push back against her, the more she will keep on pushing.

This is not going to change until your fiance either addresses it, or you call it all off. Trust me - if he won't stand up for you before the wedding, he won't stand up for you after either.

Personally, I would sit down with him and ask him how he sees your lives playing out. Tell him you observe a dynamic where the two of you discuss something, but the minute she weighs in with an opinion it gets an outsize weight. Ask him to consider whether others - such as your parents or your siblings have a similar outsize influence on your life. Ask him how he imagines life will be going forward. If you get pregnant should she decide whether you keep the baby or not? Should she decide on the name?

One of the most important lessons about coupling up I learned was that you need to switch from acting like two individuals to acting like one unit. And that unit needs to be strong in the face of outside influences. So you can disagree within the unit, but others outside can't come between you. You can't allow one person's money or obnoxious behaviour or outsize opinions to disrupt your unit. If he can't get on board with that then it isn't worth it.

By saying you'll just brush it all off if it fails while her precious son will be heartbroken she is already seeking to undermine you. And this is setting yourself up for such a predictable pattern.

This must be a difficult read for you, IllAssume.

It is important that you are very clear that you cannot change him, only he can, and whether he choses to? Who knows??

Don't marry him thinking it'll all get better. It won't.
The question is whether that is how you want to lead your married life.

It is quite difficult Pacific but not really unexpected.
He's wonderful in every way and will stand up for me to anyone else.
Whether it's because he thinks I'm feisty enough to do it myself, that I'll gloat or it'll give me an excuse to be more bitchy or if he's just simply a wet lettuce when it comes to her. I have no idea.
It's just disheartening and puts a dampener on it.

A good test for him. 'We are an engaged couple now. I will deal with matters to do with my parents, you will deal with matters to do with your parents. Where you and I make a plan, I need you to back me up on that, even to your Mum. I will do the same. If you want to discuss any changes with me, that's for you and me, not her.' Otherwise I don't see how married life will work (and beware wifework that is to do with managing his family).