To be upset with my friend for not contacting me since I told her dd was in hospital

[princessmelTingChoccyEggs]

2 weeks ago dd was in hospital. She was really quite poorly and had to have a lumber puncture etc.
I texted all my friends to let them know what was happening with her. They all replied straight away. Except one, I'll call her xyz. I kept them all up to date with what was happening to dd etc. But heard nothing from 'xyz'

Anyway we're supposed to be going to see her new flat today. Nothing's been mentioned about it since it was arranged a few weeks ago. I've not spoken to her at all. I don't want to call her because I'm cross and upset that she hasn't contacted me about dd. Oh she has emailed me a 20% off gap voucher and sent me a text about the new Oxford Street Primark though .
She only knew that dd was ok and out of hospital as another friend rang her to see if she was ok.( Nobody's heard from her, not just me. )

When the friend asked if she was ok and had she heard about dd she just said something like, 'Oh yes I've not contacted princessmel yet, I've been busy' Not too busy to send me gap email vouchers though.

I've been friends with her for over 20 years and I'm supposed to be her bridesmaid next year. I don't want this to turn into some major row but I want her to know I'm upset.

If she doesn't contact me about going to see her today then I'll leave it till she does contact me. But if she does, what do I say?
Dh has said we're not going.

Anybody got any suggestions?

Is it possible that she's got something else going on in her life that's causing her to not contact people?

Does she find it difficult to know what to say in worrying situations?

Is she often a bit selfish and not that interested in other people's lives, or was this a surprise to you?

Its hard to know what to say without knowing her reasons, and the only way is to actually speak to her.

If it was me, i'd give her a call and say
'I've been really worried about dd, the situation was very serious and i was upset that you didn't reply to my text or call to see if she was ok.'

Even if she makes up an excuse, at least she'll know how you feel and hopefully try to be a bit more thoughtful. Personally i don't see the point in just blanking friends, if she's that vague / thoughtless, she won't even realise why you're doing it, just be honest and talk to her.

Can't agree more with everything Larch has said.

Did she forward the messages only to you or to all her friends? it may be the case that she doesn't find the words or the right time to ask you about her. Perhaps she is embarrased for not contacting you earlier and hiding her head in the sand? or maybe she doesn't want to intrude? or maybe feels you may not welcome a phone ringing if you are too busy dealing with something related to DD's problem?

I would have a conciliatory word with her, but without accusing her of anything, you never know if something bad is happening to her that may have her cut off from her friends in the last weeks, or even something she may not like to talk about.

She sent the texts and emails to all of us.

She does do this from time to time. Go for ages without speaking to me then when I see her she's completely normal. She doesn't have kids and is very London focused. Job, going out etc. So different from me. But despite this we are still friends.

She's just moved into her new flat so is very wrapped up with sorting that out. Thats fine (and we were going to see it today) but I don't think it would have been too much trouble for her to have asked about dd.

Its wierd though as the week before when dd fractured her wrist and I texted her about it, she replied straight away.

She's usually very good at being positive at times like this. She's a doctor ( not of ill people but science) and knows things to say to make me feel better.

I haven't heard from her today about going to see her. Thats odd too.

Sounds like she's very wrapped up in something.

I think you should talk to her, but it might be best to wait until you're not angry about it.

If you don't feel like going today, perhaps text her to say it's only 2 weeks since your dd was very ill and you want to stay close to/at home as much as poss.

yes, her.
dh has told me not to contact her. He said we need to wait till she contacts us then I'll tell that I'm upset.

Maybe she forgot that we were coming today.

She's just rung my mobile and I didn't answer it. I was too scared!

Help!

Aw, you should have answered & said you wanted to stay at home with dd as she was ill.

Maybe asked if she had ever received your text message at all?? [even though you know she did, this would have given her a way of saying something]

Are you going to call her back?

i sent her a txt saying

I was outside. Didn't hear phone. I'm a bit upset actually. I thought you would have contacted me when I told you about xxxx being so ill. I think we were meant to come to you today but as I hadn't heard from you I thought it was off. M x

No 'Hi' or anything. just to the point. I'm glad I've done it. Got to wait for a reply now.

Well, at least you will have felt better by clearing it off your chest.

Hopefully she will explain herself & all will be well again

I really hope so FF.

I feel sick now. Dh is out with ds, at my sisters house watching football with her bf. dd's asleep. I'm all alone watching the phone.

fof is like this, she is uncontactable for weeks and then pops up as though nothing has happened and when challenged goes on and on about how busy she is. some people are just like this, probably not even selfish, just oblivious. interestingly fof is an academic scientist too.

I do sometimes get the feeling from her fiancee(sp) that he thinks our life is so 'suberban' and dull. Not from her though.

Is fof friend of fishie?

Has she replied yet??

ha no, sorry is friend of friend. ought to be friend of mine as i have known her a long time but she really pisses me off with her disregard for friend's feelings.

I really hope she was not waiting for you with dinner et all.

Well, at least you are in equal terms now, she should have called you about your DD but you certainly should have told her you were not going beforehand.

How are you doing? hope you both have had a chance to talk.

No nothing yet.

I really don't think we're equal Chandra. It was always going to be a ring on the day to check details kind of visit. No meal, just dropping in to see the flat.
And I don't see why I should have had to call her about it when she's not contacted me about all of this.
It may sound petty but I was really worried about dd and she couldn't be bothered to call to see how she was at all. That hurt.
Every one else did. Lots of people from ds's nursery who I've only known since september and who didn't know my mobile number found it out and texted me offering help and to look after ds for me.

Hey Mel, did she ever reply to you??

mel I didn't know about dd being so poorly- hope she and you are both ok xxx

Hi 3littlebabies haven't seen you for ages.

She's much better now thanks. I posted a thread about it when I came out of hospital. Can't do links but it said it all on there She had croup last week though. Its one thing after another in this house. Ds's asthmas is bad at the moment . I felt really bad about it this morning and dh and had a clean/dust/de clutter of his room. Washed duvet etc. Hopefully he's better tonight.

Anyway, xyz did send me a text last night.

It was long so won't post it all but basically said
'I'm really sorry I've upset you. Been meaning to call and wanted to make time for a proper chat and not a quick 2 min call'. She also said that she's worried that she'll call at wrong time and disrupt our bedtime routine. She said 'sorry for being a crap friend'

I'm glad its been sorted. And that I told her I was upset rather than just leaving it. I did that before and it just annoyed me for ages. She didn't even notice I was upset.

About going there yest, she didn't seem to know if it was this week or another week anyway so that was ok too.

I replied that she's not a crap friend but I was just suprised that she hadn't txted back at all.

Thanks everyone for helping me out.

Sorry but if your daughter was ill why were you giving a stuff keeping tabs on who had or had not contacted you about it? I'd have invested the energy in just picking up the phone myself. But then I don't keep score with my friends or freak out if they don't always behave as I want them too.

i really dont get this.

bit harsh vimfuego

Glad things are sorted now princess

There's nothing to 'get' misdee. I just asked for advice about what to say to my friend.
Vimfeugo I can't believe you just said that. Yes dd was ill but she did get better after a few days. I txted my friends and sister while she was asleep, throughout our stay in hospital, to let them know what was going on .We are close and we tell each other whats going on in our lives. They were texting me and wanted to know how she was. Well most of them.
Also whilst I was in hospital waiting for my dh to get there, I was alone and worried. It comforting to speak to my friends and sister about what was going on. I wasn't 'keeping tabs' but I obviously noticed that my friend of 20 years hadn't replied. I was upset and asked MN their advice on what I should say to her. Dd came home 2 weeks ago, this all happened in the last few days.

Thanks debbie and FF.