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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just give up.

31 replies

maeraprocyon · 26/09/2017 15:12

(namechanged for this but have been a member for about a year)

My husband died in a freak accident 12 weeks ago. He was on life support for three days and I had to watch when they switched it off. I am now a single parent to a young child. I am disabled with very limited mobility and my DH did almost everything in terms of looking after the house etc. People were wonderful after he died and rallied round but since the funeral everyone has (understabdably) gone back to their normal lives while I'm just sort of stuck here in limbo.

I am not fit for work but currently fighting the dwp who seem to feel I'm not disabled enough for benefits. He didn't have life insurance and we had very minimal savings which are v quickly running out, I have no idea how I'm going to pay my rent next month let alone cover bills, food etc. I'm barely managing to keep the house uptogether and am in pain all the time. I am barely sleeping, every night I have the same dream where I see him have his accident ... I didn't see it happen in real life but have seen it so many times in my dreams now that I have to remind myself it's just a dream and not an actual memory. I jump at small noises, I've been having heart palpitations and what I presume are panic attacks. I went to the supermarket last week and couldn't face going in, sat in the car for an hour before turning round and coming home again. I've spoken to my dr who has referred me to MH services but the first appt isn't until november and I feel like things are getting worse rather than better. I've always been a calm rational person and pretty pragmatic about death so all this has knocked me for six.

My DC is coping admirably well and much better than me, and i'm shielding them as best I can from the way I'm feeling but I don't know how we're going to get through the next few days/weeks let alone months or years and I feel like I'm only just managing to keep treading water.

I don't know what the point of this post was , I know there's nothing anyone can say or do, I just needed to get it out.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2017 15:18

sorry for your situation.
I think you need some therapy for what you have been going through and your gp should advise that.
is there any lone parent centres around you? they may help you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/09/2017 15:20

Oh sweetheart. Do you have a friend or family member you can reach out to? Even if just for a cuppa and a chat? I would hate to think any friend of mine was going through this on their own. So sorry about your husband.

KarateKitten · 26/09/2017 15:25

It sounds like you may have some PTSD, regardless of whether you saw the accident or not. This is a terrible thing to have happened to your family. I think firstly you need some help from the GP, and then can you reach out to a practical member of your family to help you untangle and make sense of your new financial situation and future?

Original poster

maeraprocyon · 26/09/2017 16:10

Thanks. Not much in the way of local practical support, closest is my elderly father who lives 20 miles away and doesn't drive. Have some good friends but dotted around the country and all v busy with their own lives and families. Live rurally with not v many neighbours and feeling very isolated atm. GP has arranged counselling/talking therapy but 1st appt not til november.

OP posts:

Dodie66 · 26/09/2017 16:14

Could you go to a local citizens advice to call somebody for advice? You need some help to get some money. I'm so sorry that your husband died. Hoping you can get some help

BrieAndChilli · 26/09/2017 16:19

You will get child benefit, housing benefit, council tax benefit and child tax credits. None of that is based on disability so go online and submit a claim for those ASAP.

Namechangetempissue · 26/09/2017 16:23

I'm so sorry OP
Could you contact a bereavement support group for some advice on how to cope with your grief?
www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/bereavement-support/

I would also suggest CAB for money advice. Can you reach out to family and ask for support? I would be devestated if I knew a family member was struggling and felt they couldn't approach me

TammySwansonTwo · 26/09/2017 16:33

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I live in absolute fear of this as I too am disabled (and the DWP also think otherwise), unable to work and really reliant on my husband for help at home and with the kids. Don't have any family around either. Is there anyone you know you could house share with - a single mum perhaps, even if you had to move to a new area? I've often thought that groups of lone parents living together would be a good ideas as you could all help each other - or share somewhere with your dad?

You will be entitled to help so make sure you claim everything to which you're entitled.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/09/2017 17:18

These guys may be able to offer some bereavement counselling before your appointment? They offer a phone line service.

www.cruse.org.uk

Afraid I am not much help with the benefits thing but really hope you can get it sorted out soon. Sounds extremely stressful and upsetting at an already stressful and upsetting time.

MeDownSouth · 26/09/2017 18:25

So sorry for your loss, I'm glad your dr has referred you and understand that the wait is horrendous (fellow mh sufferer). Could you contact Gingerbread www.gingerbread.org.uk/ or your local children's centre for help? The children's centre will be able to offer/signpost additional support.
Just take each day as it comes. Don't think about the appointment being so far away, just think about getting through each day and take small steps.

Ttbb · 26/09/2017 18:35

Sorry for your loss.
Pardon me for the insensitive question but what was the nature of his accident? You may be able to sue for loss of earnings/shock.

EsmeGNU · 26/09/2017 18:38

I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. Remember when you are struggling you can always call the Samaritans, knowing someone is at the end of the phone and that they care can be a small solace.

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

I wish I could offer more. Thinking of you.

Anymajordude · 26/09/2017 18:45

In the short term get a referral to a food bank. Your GP or citizens advice should be able to help.

Funnyface1 · 26/09/2017 18:54

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's so soon after that you will still be in shock. I don't have lots of practical advice but please try to keep trying and get in touch with citizens advice to find out any help that's available to you.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 26/09/2017 18:56

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

I can't offer support, but if your husband worked in a construction trade, please contact the Lighthouse Trust - they may be able to help in some small ways.

EssentialHummus · 26/09/2017 18:58

Nothing practical to add, but I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

FeralBeryl · 26/09/2017 19:00

Another one just offering a hand hold OP
You've got some really good links on here already so I won't repeat them.
Really sorry for your loss. X

TheSnowFairy · 26/09/2017 19:23

When my 1st DD died many years ago, there was a charity which helped with living costs.

Are there any where you are?

Screwinthetuna · 26/09/2017 20:04

So sorry, op, life really can be so shit sometimes. I don't have anything else to add, I'm afraid, besides finding local bereavement groups for support. They may be able to help you with getting through the finical worries etc. Although it may feel like it, you aren't alone and there are plenty out there feeling like you right now.
Although life is terribly hard right now, one day you can find happiness again, so please don't give up.

Original poster

maeraprocyon · 26/09/2017 22:15

Thanks everyone. To reassure people, I'm not thinking of doing anything silly and I'm sorry if the title made it sound as if I was. I am very stressed and very worried and at the moment can't see a way through things, but I know there will be one and that it will get easier.

Not sure how to do quotes but for whoever asked what happened, he fell off a pushbike and hit his head. No other vehicles involved, just a freak accident, five minutes from our house on a road he'd ridden down a thousand times before. The sheer ridiculousness of it makes it even harder to process.

I do have friends I can talk to but not ones who are sufficiently well off to be of financial help or geographically close enough to be of practical help and for that reason I don't like letting them know how diffcult things are because I know they'd feel helpless at not being able to do anything. Being able to talk about it here has helped a lot though, and I am currently looking for local services or charities who may be able to help, so that's a start.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/09/2017 14:49

Thank you for updating, OP. Keep us posted on your progress. And you WILL make progress, even it's just one step at a time. Good luck!

Original poster

maeraprocyon · 27/09/2017 20:38

Thankyou

OP posts:

Allfednonedead · 27/09/2017 20:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is nothing I can say to make it better, but maybe the mumsnet massive can help ease the burden in practical ways.
Are you aware of th Bereavement Support Allowance? I'm not sure of the details, but there's also a Widowed Parent's Allowance, and you only have to apply once for any relevant benefits.
Look here: www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment or get a friend to help you sort it.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 27/09/2017 21:23

If you are on Facebook, or Twitter have a look at #legup pages. Lots of people on there who can help out with all kinds of things.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such an awful time, not much else I can say

Original poster

maeraprocyon · 28/09/2017 10:09

I hadn't heard of bereavement support alllowance, but looking into it now, had no idea where to start so I really appreciate any and all advice, thankyou.

OP posts:

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