(namechanged for this but have been a member for about a year)
My husband died in a freak accident 12 weeks ago. He was on life support for three days and I had to watch when they switched it off. I am now a single parent to a young child. I am disabled with very limited mobility and my DH did almost everything in terms of looking after the house etc. People were wonderful after he died and rallied round but since the funeral everyone has (understabdably) gone back to their normal lives while I'm just sort of stuck here in limbo.
I am not fit for work but currently fighting the dwp who seem to feel I'm not disabled enough for benefits. He didn't have life insurance and we had very minimal savings which are v quickly running out, I have no idea how I'm going to pay my rent next month let alone cover bills, food etc. I'm barely managing to keep the house uptogether and am in pain all the time. I am barely sleeping, every night I have the same dream where I see him have his accident ... I didn't see it happen in real life but have seen it so many times in my dreams now that I have to remind myself it's just a dream and not an actual memory. I jump at small noises, I've been having heart palpitations and what I presume are panic attacks. I went to the supermarket last week and couldn't face going in, sat in the car for an hour before turning round and coming home again. I've spoken to my dr who has referred me to MH services but the first appt isn't until november and I feel like things are getting worse rather than better. I've always been a calm rational person and pretty pragmatic about death so all this has knocked me for six.
My DC is coping admirably well and much better than me, and i'm shielding them as best I can from the way I'm feeling but I don't know how we're going to get through the next few days/weeks let alone months or years and I feel like I'm only just managing to keep treading water.
I don't know what the point of this post was , I know there's nothing anyone can say or do, I just needed to get it out.