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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To inform a colleague her partner is on a dating site

55 replies

DizzyDalek · 26/09/2017 11:19

So colleague isn't someone I see on a daily basis,she works in a different department,I don't know her that well but I know people who do know her better than I do. I found her long term partner on a dating site,he is looking for fun dates and nothing serious! They haven't split up,as far as she is concerned everything is good. They have a baby together and he is step -dad to her other children. I know I would want to know if my partner was doing that and if it was a good friend of mine I would tell them.

OP posts:

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 26/09/2017 11:32

How do you know they don't have an open relationship?
Or they're looking for a threesome?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/09/2017 11:33

Oh come on, KungFuPanda! How likely is that?

WeddingFever · 26/09/2017 11:35

Other peoples sex lives are no business of yours.

I think people who stumble over this sort of thing just love the power trip it gives them

Viviennemary · 26/09/2017 11:36

Absolutely not. It's really not any of your business especially as you hardly know the person. But I admit it is annoying seeing people blissfully playing happy families whilst being married to a cheating rat.

Whinesalot · 26/09/2017 11:36

I'd have a private word or maybe write it down to avoid her embarrassment but actually give her the note yourself. Just say "if it was me I'd want someone to tell me"

KityGlitr · 26/09/2017 11:37

I'd send her proof from an anonymous email address, to avoid making it weird at work or impacting the workplace. Most of us would want to know. If it turns out to be legit and she's cool with it the I'm sure she'd still appreciate someone looking out for her.

ElspethFlashman · 26/09/2017 11:38

I would screenshot it, so the date is on the picture.

I think I would do it. Yes, she will feel awkward as fuck around you thereafter but at least she doesn't have to encounter you every day. I also wouldn't give it to a third party - imagine if she thought loads of people knew? At least if you do it, it's only one person who knows and she can keep it from her closer friends if she wants to.

ElspethFlashman · 26/09/2017 11:39

I respectfully disagree about sending it anonymously. She will spend weeks looking at everyone she knows wondering who it was. It will upset her.

5rivers7hills · 26/09/2017 11:40

Screen shot from a new Email address

isthismylifenow · 26/09/2017 11:41

I don't understand why someone who is in a committed relationship goes and put a photo and blurb up on a dating site, when its open for anyone to see.

I would like to know if it was my partner though.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 26/09/2017 11:42

Looking out for someone isn't meddling if the message you pass on is true imo. .
Tell her face to face - you don't need to sculk around when it's not you deceiving her -

NameChanger22 · 26/09/2017 11:43

I had the same dilemma a number of years ago, plus the colleagues' partner was flirting with me. He obviously didn't know I knew her and that we were Facebook friends. I didn't tell her, because she was my manager.

They ended up getting married and then a couple of years later got divorced. I think I made the right decision because if I'd told her I would probably have lost my job.

Whatamesshaslunch · 26/09/2017 11:47

I would want to know.

Original poster

DizzyDalek · 26/09/2017 11:50

That may well be a possibility. I do know her first marriage ended due to her ex having affairs,so not sure how tolerant she would be to an open relationship.

OP posts:

guilty100 · 26/09/2017 11:57

Oh blimey, what a difficult one.

I'm tempted to second the anonymous email. I would definitely want to know if I were in her shoes, and better this than not knowing at all. However, I'd find a conversation about it with someone I barely knew very awkward.

You can always write a message in the email that says that you are very, very sorry about it, you don't know her well, stumbled across this info, weren't sure what to do, but thought it best to pass it on. Make sure you include a link so she can see the evidence for herself.

ginswinger · 26/09/2017 11:58

I started a new job once, turned on the PC I'd been given and a dating site came up on the google list of sites visited. I mentioned it to new boss with a wink but turns out his girlfriend had been the last person to use the PC.

I left six months later when his seething animosity towards me became too much.

XJerseyGirlX · 26/09/2017 12:01

Yep I agree with PP, screen shot (with a date) from a new email address.

demirose87 · 26/09/2017 12:08

I wouldn't say anything, unless you were close to her. You don't know how she could react and it could make your work life very difficult. I would be tempted to say something to him maybe, such as "don't I know you from somewhere?" and try and slip in your place of work.

WeddingFever · 26/09/2017 12:09

May I ask, why are you all so spineless? Anonymous, new email etc etc. As I said earlier, I think some of you just love the power trip and buzz it gives you to wreck other peoples lives.

SumThucker · 26/09/2017 12:11

I'd want to know, I wouldn't want to do the telling though if I wasn't close to the one about to be hurt.

Don't do it anonymously.

user1471565343 · 26/09/2017 12:13

Yes, please tell her. If they are in an open relationship or are swingers/looking for a third there tend to be specialist sites for that purpose so i think it's unlikely. More likely he's a cheating wanker and she deserves to know. I agree with screen shot, link, delicately worded email from a new email. Mention in email you are only an aquaintence in real life & don't know her personal circumstances but thought it was the right thing to do to forward the info on, just in case she wasn't already aware.

And now, this is not aimed at you OP but at others saying it's none of your business, keep out of it, don't get involved etc. why why why do us women do this to ourselves?!! If you know someone's partner is a cheating dick, tell them because the most likely explanation is she doesn't know!!

Writerwannabe83 · 26/09/2017 12:14

One of my past boyfriends was on a dating website - we'd been together two years and in my eyes everything was hunky dory.

A girl I vaguely knew told me she'd seen him on there and I'm so glad she told me!!

I broke up with him and saved myself tears of deception and cheating I imagine.

Definitely tell her. I'm always of the belief that if a woman is being cheated on then she should be told about it.

littlebird77 · 26/09/2017 12:15

I would tell her quietly and discreetly (have a screen shot ready if she wants to see it) be prepared for her to be upset, but still if you can see it then others will be able to as well, and this could end up hugely embarrassing with everyone talking about her if it is not handled carefully.

She deserves better, esp having been through this once already, and she will find out if he is being so indiscreet anyway, so save her the time and heartache of telling her now.

Trollspoopglitter · 26/09/2017 12:18

It's not spineless to not wish to drag a colleague's marital issues into her workplace and embarrass her. She may chose to stay with him and then feel awkward in her workplace. She may shoot the messenger and raise a complaint with HR.

I'd go anonymous, but then again for not knowing her very well... you do know a lot about her first marriage/reason for her divorce. If she shared her info with you personally, then you need to tell her in person. Look, I remember when you told me XYZ. I'm currently dating and ran across this yesterday. It's none of my business, it could be someone using his picture, It could be a forgotten profile he left on it... but if the situation were reversed, I'd want to know. We won't discuss this again, I've told no one else, and again... it's not my business what you chose to do or not do.

guilty100 · 26/09/2017 12:18

"May I ask, why are you all so spineless?"

I genuinely think that, in her shoes, I'd rather be able to react in my own time and not have to deal with a conversation with a stranger. I would personally find an anonymous email that gave me space to deal with the horror, hurt and humiliation by myself more caring than having to react in front of someone I barely knew. Of course, if it was a friend I'd rather hear it from them and be able to burst into tears and be hugged on the spot.

Most healthy people do not feel that there is any power trip in delivering bad news. Delivering the news isn't the part that wrecks the person's life, though. The cheating does that, and the person to blame for it isn't the messenger.

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