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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To inform a colleague her partner is on a dating site

55 replies

DizzyDalek · 26/09/2017 11:19

So colleague isn't someone I see on a daily basis,she works in a different department,I don't know her that well but I know people who do know her better than I do. I found her long term partner on a dating site,he is looking for fun dates and nothing serious! They haven't split up,as far as she is concerned everything is good. They have a baby together and he is step -dad to her other children. I know I would want to know if my partner was doing that and if it was a good friend of mine I would tell them.

OP posts:

StarUtopia · 26/09/2017 12:24

I would keep out of it.

Mind you. I've had a sleaze bag of an ex snap chatting me over the last month of so (somewhat randomly). Played along a little meh. Nothing too sordid but definitely looking for me to send him pics etc (I didn't).

Messaged me Friday and I was asleep so didn't reply.

Saturday morning his wife uploads all instagram worthy baby announcement of their 3 month scan. First baby.

What a scumbag.

Im not getting involved. From what I can make out as a bystander, he shouldn't have married her but he's made his bed, he can lie in it. They like to think they're posh and becks - pathetic photoshopped posts only and always showing off on her uploads.

Totally give the marriage less than 5 years though!

Barkybarkynutnut · 26/09/2017 12:26

I had a similar situation with a friend. Told her as gently as I could..it didn't end well. She was angry that I bought it to her attention. I. Her words she "would rather have not known". We re not friends any more. It's difficult to assume the outcome....

just5morepeas · 26/09/2017 12:26

I would tell her - do it anon if you think it could make things awkward at work.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/09/2017 12:37

FFS mind your own business. You just want to stir - she's not a close friend of yours, after all. Your workmates' sex lives/relationships have absolutely nothing to do with you.

And grassing people up anonymously is cuntish. If you're so convinced of your moral superiority that you need to grass, at least do it face to face so that the recipient of your interference can tell you to go fuck yourself.

becotide · 26/09/2017 12:37

StarFever, cheating husbands wreck their own lives, and their wives' lives too. The person who spotted the cheater is not thelife wrecker here.

if you truly cannot see that, I feel sorry for your spouse.

user1471565343 · 26/09/2017 12:39

WeddingFever; why is it wrecking someone's life to tell them their partner is cheating? It's not the fault of the person telling them, the person who is wrecking lives is the cheating spouse! What is your suggestion, everyone should just turn a blind eye in some 1950s revival because 'poor men can't control their urges' and we mustn't embarrass people?!

Zampa · 26/09/2017 12:43

Is the profile definitely "live". I wonder if it's just an old one that's been forgotten about. Unless you've proof it's being used, I'd pretend not to have seen it.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2017 12:43

I would tell her in a 'wow, came across this and thought it looked just like your DP' kind of way.
Show her and then let her know you are there if she wants to talk.
Of course she deserves to know.
Any woman should know if she is with a cheating scumbag who is ready to put her sexual health at risk!

Pannnn · 26/09/2017 13:00

She has a right to know the truth. Which her partner is stealing from her.

I do not believe anyone on this thread would not want to know if this was their situation. Not telling her is just cruel.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 26/09/2017 13:13

Prevention being better than cure....... Print off screenshots, put them in an envelope and give it to her. She can open in private. You don't have to discuss with her at all then. .

ReanimatedSGB · 26/09/2017 13:17

And if it turns out that his pissed up workmates set up the profile as a prank and it was never used? Think how good you'll feel about yourself then...

OP knows nothing about the woman's views, her relationship, her opinions, apart from a bit of hearsay, yet she's creaming her knickers at the chance to cause trouble because, oh, waaah, monogamy must be forcibly upheld all the time.

Orlandointhewilderness · 26/09/2017 13:18

god, when my XH was cheating on me in a blatant way with a woman who was in our friend group, i would have done anything to actually have someone discreetly tell me. i felt humiliated when it came out as everyone had obviously know but no one thought enough of me to hand me the information i needed to control the situation. Stay or go, it would've been MY choice.

RandomMess · 26/09/2017 13:21

I would consider sending a screen shot very discreetly with a "doesn't this person look just like your partner, wonder if it's someone's fake profile or something?"

pasturesgreen · 26/09/2017 13:24

I realise I'm in a minority here, but I would keep schtum. She isn't a friend, or even someone you're particularly close to and it's really no business of yours: don't go around shit stirring.

Pannnn · 26/09/2017 13:26

oh SGB - not seen you for a while. Still throwing out rubbish to self-consciously defend your 'alternative lifestyle' I see.

Pissed up mates my arse.

Creaming her knickers? You are so damaged.

99blueballoons · 26/09/2017 13:29

If my dh was doing this I'd be so grateful to anyone who let me know. Of course I'd be upset but with my DH and I'd say thank you to the person who was brave enough to tell me. She deserves to know- he could be putting her health at risk or they could be planning more children together while he cheats.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 26/09/2017 13:30

Oh. That is so tough. I would have to tell her, but be prepared for her to treat you as the bad guy.

burnoutbabe · 26/09/2017 13:32

I'd be wary as often even after you have deleted a profile, your details come up in searches to make the site look more popular. So you don't know he is active on it?

JaniceBattersby · 26/09/2017 13:33

I think you should absolutely tell her. Just keep it very low key and give her a screenshot. "I came across this, I think it's your boyfriend, if it were me I'd want to know. I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone now but please just say if you need someone to talk to." Then walk away.

Cameblackbenzleftwhite1 · 26/09/2017 13:37

Mind your own business.

I would report tax or benefit fraud in a heartbeat, but not this as doesn't affect you.

ChicRock · 26/09/2017 13:42

Telling her anonymously is a shitty cowardly thing to do.

Either tell her/email her/ whatever and give her the opportunity to ask you any questions, or keep out of it and don't tell her at all.

Ilovecoleslaw · 26/09/2017 13:58

I think you should tell her.

I've been on the receiving end of this where my best friend screenshotted me a photo of my partners account on tinder (dating app). As it turns out and I knew as soon as I saw the picture, it had been inactive for years (before we got together) but I'm still glad she told me and that she values our friendship enough to look out for me no matter the consequence!

It wouldn't have been her fault if he had of been using it, it would have been his.

SandyDenny · 26/09/2017 14:06

Telling her anonymously is a shitty cowardly thing to do

As it's a work situation I don't think this is true, it saves bringing any conflict into the workplace

pringlecat · 26/09/2017 14:11

I would tell her anonymously via email, but say in the note, you haven't discussed this with any of her colleagues nor will you. You think she should know, but no one else needs to.

ChicRock · 26/09/2017 14:15

As it's a work situation I don't think this is true, it saves bringing any conflict into the workplace

But it just plunges the poor woman into a state of anguish wondering which colleague it is? Or was it even a colleague? Maybe it was a friend or family member? Maybe someone with a grudge has set her DP up?

Just what she doesn't need. I think doing it anonymously is probably about the most humiliating way (for her) that it could be done.

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