AIBU to confront my friend?

[Corkscrewbetty]

I live in the middle of nowhere and don't have many friends locally. I made a good friend three years ago and we spent a lot of time together and really gelled. I had a baby three months ago and although she congratulated me on FB, she hasn't really spoken to me since she was born. She lives a mile or so away and hasn't been to see us, sent a card or anything. I had a traumatic birth and so people knew to stay away for the first couple of days after I got home, but they still dropped off cards and pressies and all the usual stuff. I feel really hurt that we just seem to have broken friends. She's on FB all day (part of her job) and I've tried to reach out to her a couple of times (asked her how her parents are because they're ill, commented on photos of her new dog, invited her and her husband over etc.), but I never get much back. She knows all about the ins and outs of my pregnancy and how I'm now a single mother and we really shared a lot. This is why I find it so hard to come to terms with. She also didn't come to my baby shower because 'she didn't know what one was and it wasn't her kind of thing'. I don't know whether to just let it drop and walk away from the friendship, have another go at being friends with her and carry on as if nothing has happened or have it out with her. She doesn't have any children herself and says she never wanted any. I wonder if this is something to do with it. She thinks babies are 'boring'.

Also in my thirties

Personally I think the baby shower thing is fine. Awful American tradition really. Yes a small gift or card is the norm.

It is odd that she's quiet now. Maybe dealing with her parents illness is more then she emotionally or practically expected? I'd probably ask her if she's ok as she seems different now. And you wonder things are difficult for her?

But I do agree that having a baby changes things a lot and some friendships can't make the huge leap.

She may have wanted a baby and not been able to have one. Leave her alone.

We had friends like this years ago and I got pregnant accidentally 14 years ago . They weren't no contact quite early on and I never understood why. Turns out they had been having ivf and years later had a baby so I would estimate about 20 years of trying for a baby . It would probably have really upset her but I had no clue . They told us they hated children and never wanted them !

Sounds like the baby is her issue. I would guess her own struggle is with childlessness and not you. Just wait and she may come to terms with it.

You don't know her reasons for distancing herself from you. It could be secret infertility, it could be that she's preoccupied with her own problems (such as her parents or something else) or she just doesn't find babies very interesting. Or maybe she feels you're not as available to do the things you used to do with her and is trying to make some new friends. Either way, you can't confront her - if she wants to come back to you, she will.

As per my earlier post, I'm in a similar position to your friend. When my friend announced her pregnancy, I was worried she wouldn't be as free to carry on doing the things I enjoyed doing with her. My kids are older and just as I was regaining my freedom, she was losing hers! I think I started mentally withdrawing from her even then and knew I needed to find new people to hang out with or I risked being lonely and unhappy. I also worried she'd find new mum friends which, afaik, hasn't happened but me hanging around won't help her find any!

To the person who said I'm being mean, I really don't believe I am. If I was mean, I would blank her or tell her outright I don't want to be her friend. As it stands, I do respond to her but am non-committal about meeting up (often genuinely). My hope is that the friendship will fade and we both make new, likeminded friends without anyone getting hurt.

Ok, sorry for saying you were mean, I was thinking how your friend would see it. It's a vulnerable time, and she could need your support. I wouldn't have said it if you hadn't said you thought this was how you were coming across. But I'm sure you're not actually unkind, just fed up with all the baby photos. She'll get past that though.

Speaking for myself, I find all sorts of people interesting even if they're not 'like-minded', for example definitely don't want kids like the friend I mentioned. (I love cats too!) I'd hate to think a friend thought I ceased being interesting as an all-round person just because I was a mum.

Anyway, OP, it's not like you've fallen out with your friend. Just accept how things are for now, then in a couple of weeks send her a 'thinking of you' card, offering your support to her. Her parents are ill so she will be totally focused on that. This is very likely not about you.

She wanted to be sterilised when she was in her twenties and her doctor wouldn't let her. She warned her husband before she got married that she didn't want kids. I don't think it's that (but I don't know). I know what it's like to watch friends have kids. I was the last of my friends to have them (apart from one woman who had a sex change, grew a beard and now drives a Securicor van). I had to watch everyone get married and have babies while I spent a decade with an infertile man who didn't want to go through IVF. I then got another boyfriend with one ball who couldn't have them and then went nuts anyway (bad choice of words) and I had to give him the heave-ho. So, I did it on my own. I too think babies are boring. I went to a wedding last weekend. One of my best friends married a multi-millionnaire. There were lots of babies there (I'd left mine with my mum for the day) and people kept shoving them in my arms for a cuddle. Big, gobby, smelly, lolloping babies spitting on my nice new dress and eating into my finding-my-own-multi-millionnaire-so-I-don't-have-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-nine-cats time). I get it. I'll leave my friend alone. I won't twat her. I'll enjoy my baba. I really do have nine cats by the way.

I had a friend who became very odd (although to be fair she was generally odd) when I had DD. Lots of comments like "you won't be wanting to see me now. You'll be wanting mum friends." None of that was true but she convinced herself of it. We're not friends now.

Ah well maybe she just hates babies then. It's very extreme to get sterilised so I would think that's the explanation .