AIBU to confront my friend?

[Corkscrewbetty]

I live in the middle of nowhere and don't have many friends locally. I made a good friend three years ago and we spent a lot of time together and really gelled. I had a baby three months ago and although she congratulated me on FB, she hasn't really spoken to me since she was born. She lives a mile or so away and hasn't been to see us, sent a card or anything. I had a traumatic birth and so people knew to stay away for the first couple of days after I got home, but they still dropped off cards and pressies and all the usual stuff. I feel really hurt that we just seem to have broken friends. She's on FB all day (part of her job) and I've tried to reach out to her a couple of times (asked her how her parents are because they're ill, commented on photos of her new dog, invited her and her husband over etc.), but I never get much back. She knows all about the ins and outs of my pregnancy and how I'm now a single mother and we really shared a lot. This is why I find it so hard to come to terms with. She also didn't come to my baby shower because 'she didn't know what one was and it wasn't her kind of thing'. I don't know whether to just let it drop and walk away from the friendship, have another go at being friends with her and carry on as if nothing has happened or have it out with her. She doesn't have any children herself and says she never wanted any. I wonder if this is something to do with it. She thinks babies are 'boring'.

When I say all the ins and outs, it was just about how I went about conceiving her via sperm donation. I meant that she was privvy to how and why I decided to do what I did because it was a big deal at the time. I didn't ask her to come to all my scans or tell her about hypnobirthing or my changes in vaginal secretions, or all about the donor's stainless steel wanking cup or read to her aloud from my breastfeeding book or come round and have a go on my yoga ball or check out the pressure on my bulging perineum or help me harvest colostrum. Nope.She didn't get any of that. I only shared the good stuff with the dog. I hope I'm not so boring I need to be avoided (but then, boring people don't know they're boring, do they? Shit! I bet I am one!)

I'm sure you're not boring, OP. It's unfortunate that some posters are suggesting that she might have thought that; mumsnet IABU isn't exactly a place to go to for support if you're feeling low, people say quite hurtful things.

What I have found, though, is that people going through pregnancy and childbirth talk about it a lot more than they realise; one friend gave me a blow by blow account of her pregnancy just when I'd been through a failed IVF. We can all talk too much about the things that are important to us without realising we're doing it.

Either way, it will have hurt, but it's time to focus on new friendships. The ladies you work with sound really nice.

I made a really close friend and we hung out a lot, had loads in common, things were great. She got shitty with me over a comment I made on fb about Brexit and I never heard from her again! I messaged her saying I was really sorry we had fallen out and missed hanging out - she replied saying don't be silly, we haven't fallen out at all and she would see me soon. Never heard from her since so I've left it - at least I tried!

I like the Yorkshire saying 'There's nowt so queer as folk.' That's just so true, it doesn't mean it's not really hurtful sometimes though.

I would try one last time with her, and send a message along the lines of: "Dear X, I saw the picture of your dog/garden/cooking, looks amazing! It got me thinking of all the lovely times we've had together, and how sad I am that we don't see each other so much any more. I hope it's not because I've done anything to offend you; I really valued your friendship and would hate to think I'd upset you! Of course, I know modern life is busy and things get in the way, but if you ever do fancy meeting up, I'll be there in a heartbeat! Sending you much love,"

I think you sound like you need a wider social circle locally, as well. As someone who has moved to places where I knew no-one, I know how hard it can be to make new friends, and how personal it can feel when a promising new relationship doesn't work out. But keep plugging away (easy to say, I know) and you will get a circle of friends. You don't sound boring at all, btw, you sound lovely!

I would just leave her be, OP. For some reason - not necessarily to do with you or the new baby - she doesn't want to be in touch right now. Try again round Christmas with a simple have a lovely one message just from you.

Not easy - I lost a lot of friends when they had babies years before me and I was still doing other stuff - I didn't understand them at all even though pleased for them. Some of them I've got back together with after a while.

give her the space however sad you feel and reach out for more friends. The old ladies at the animal sanctuary sound great - perhaps they have other friends or children you might meet just as a starter - and you have all your DC's DPs to meet in the future.

Thanks! This is my first ever mumsnet post and it's been great to receive your tips and thoughts. Some comments are a bit mean, but I was expecting that and can ignore them. I always get surprised at how many bitchy types there are out there though. As women, we often do a diservice to one another. Baba and I are going to get out and about and meet new people. I might think about doing something other than translation in the future because there's a chance I'll go loopy on my own at home all day. :-) I'll give it another go with my friend at a later date and just get on with life for now. It's not like I'm twiddling my thumbs with a book to translate and a three-month-old. :-)

What book are you translating? sounds great. I've always wanted to translate Nada (Carmen Laforet). Think it through re other jobs - especially with a small baby and the need for care if you go out of the house, however tempting it is. Have you thought of blogging? in French and English?

I'm translating La Lettre Froissée by Alice Quinn. It's not out yet in French. I'm excited about it though. I'm happy with my job for the moment - very lucky in fact. I have another book lined up for early next year. I know a lot of people here in my little village, but they're all in their sixties and seventies (they are lovely lovely lovley though - this baby has a lot of grannies!). I'm a fairly old mum too. I'm 39 and the women in my birthing classes tended to be in their early twenties. The mothers at the crèche are my best bet. We're organising a book fair together and although we've only had one meeting so far, I think there are a few of them I could get on well with and are nearer my age. Baba and I are going to join some clubs and groups (baby massage and bi-lingual sing-a-long stuff). We'll be fine. I've never considered blogging. I might look into it though! Thanks for that! :-)

I had a 'close' friend completely blank me when I had my second baby. We'd met at baby group with our first babies, I went on to have another and she didn't. It was really hurtful that we'd been good friends for 5 years, then she just - literally - turned her back on me on school runs etc. With hindsight she probably couldn't handle the fact that I'd had a second baby. Several years later I can see that she wasn't actually that good a friend, just the only friend I had at the time. I now have some good close friends in my life, so she did me a favour really. Difficult to go through at the time though.

Oh gawd! When I started reading this I thought it was about me

However, I don't live in rural France, do have children of my own and my friend is not a SP. The similarity is that I have deliberately distanced myself from a previously close friend since she had a baby.

To be brutally honest I find babies really, really boring. Even though I've had my own I've so moved on. Like you & your friend, we used to go for dinners/days out - that's really difficult now as she always has the baby in tow. Judging by her Facebook feed, she's become a real baby bore (not saying you have) but at least I can hide her there! I've also dodged a number of invitations and dread her confronting me. I pray she'll just let me fade away. I realise this makes me sound really mean, I"m not honest. I'm just really busy & just want to spend the little spare time I have with like minded people.

As others said, concentrate on making friends with other mums and accept this friendship has run its course. It already sounds like you've made a good start!

@Toooldforthismalarky, it does make you sound very mean. Don't you think you're being very unkind to someone who was supposed to be a friend?

I don't think it makes her sound mean at all. Is it mean to not spend time with people you don't wish to spend time with? No, of course not.

I'd be certain you haven't upset her. Perhaps it was more a friendship of convenience for her given you are both remote, rather than you having bonded over a deeper connection. You becoming a mum negates the convenience for her. It is the nature of some friendships and I think you mustn't take it to heart, but write it off. Congrats on your daughter!

Sounds like she's just not that into you OP. Shit happens. I've just parted ways with a close friend I'd known for years... the friendship isn't working any longer for various reasons. Try not to take it personally (hard i know). Sometimes these things just come to an end.

I'd try suggest a meeting or night out, like you would have had before your baby came along, with no mention of motherhood, then judge how she reacts to that.
It could be too painful for her to acknowledge you, or indeed she may think your priorities have changed, and therefore you don't have as much in common anymore. If you make it clear you just expect the same friendship as before, she might realise nothing has to change.
There's nothing like having children for sorting out the wheat from the chaff when it comes to friendship, for some reason.

What would be the point in confronting her? For whatever reason she's not able to offer you the friendship you had hoped for. She doesn't need 'telling off'.

I do understand that. But if it's a case of finding babies boring, then just say so, don't just duck out of seeing her at all. Just say, can we not talk about babies all the time? I have a friend I see sometimes who isn't interested in talking about kids, I can cope with talking about other things.

Or see her when there are other friends without babies around so the subject isn't likely to come up?

Yep sadly, the dynamics of a friendship changes MASSIVELY when one friend has a baby and the other one remains child free.

Try and make new friends, and leave this girl be.

Please leave her alone. She is probably suffering emotionally. Not only that, she felt badly enough that she has not shared with you her (probably) struggles.

My grief from miscarriages rendered me unable to be kind or polite so I stayed away. Respect her privacy.
You are in love with your baby! Enjoy this beautiful time and give good thoughts to her even if from afar.

Some people just don't like kids and would find the ooohing and coohing fake.

You sound hilarious OP. I'll be your new friend!

The same thing happened to me (definitely not a case of wanting children but not being able to have them). My friend took it very badly when I told her that I was pregnant. She said a few rather rude things and in the end pretty much started ignoring me and I stopped trying. I still go out of my way to be polite to her for old times sake but I couldn't say that we are friends.

I think she's a bit rude not coming over at all to see you and baby (if I've understood that rightly), but otherwise I think your friendship has reached a crossroads and you've taken different paths. All of the things you did together are now difficult to do with a baby in tow, and it's difficult for you not to have a baby in tow as a single mother in rural France, I expect. Plus she may not be that into babies generally (I'm not! Although I've have at least pretended for a visit or two!). It could be that this friendship has kind of run its course.

I think you're really funny op! Your life sounds fascinating not boring!! Pm me if you'd like a chat? I'm going through similar and also a single mum to a little girl x