To make my DC do chores?

[QueenOfTheSkies]

Because DM thinks I am!

Background: DM and MIL were both SAHM's who did all the household jobs while we were at school. We didn't have any chores. As a result DH and I had a very steep learning curve when we left home about the amount of work involved in running a house and we still struggle to motivate ourselves to not slob out and to get on with household jobs.

I am a SAHM to our DC and I am responsible for the household work (mutually agreed with DH, we are happy with the arrangement) but I feel its important the DC learn while they are young enough for things to become habit what jobs need to be done around the house. DM thinks I am cruel for making the DC 'work' that it is my job and they should be left to play and if they really have to do jobs I expect too much for their age.

My AIBU is whether I make them do too much?

DC are 7 and 5.

Daily: Make their own bed.
Get dressed and put pjs neatly.
7 year old makes own breakfast.
Bring their dirty plates to the sink after meals.
Tidy their playroom before bed
Set the table for every meal
Put dirty clothes in the laundry
Hang clean clothes over chair to be used again.
put away school bag/shoes/coat

I agree with teaching my kids self care skills but I also enjoy caring for them. For me it's finding a balance between the two.

What on earth in the op suggests to you that she doesn't care for her children

Nothing Parsnip; I was simply expressing why I am happy to do things for my kids. Don't be so keen to snap at people and assume they are having a go at others

Childhood is so short these days without pushing them into adult activities like these. Let kids be kids because they'll be grown up before you know it.

Adult activities balsamic really? Putting your laundry in a drawer or toys back in a box are not adult activities. It's actually helpful to know how to organise your belongings to avoid the stress of being unable to find things (believe me it took me a long time to learn how) and it's good to take care of your things so that loss or damage doesn't cause upset or additional expense.

As regards childhood being short, how long do you think any of these little tasks actually take? Most are anything from 1 to 5 minutes! I can assure you mine aren't hauling their dirty laundry from the east wing of the house, down multiple flights of stairs to get to the utility room! I doubt Ops children are actually shopping for, prepping and then cooking dinner - helping can be "can you fetch the mushrooms from the fridge please/could you get the colander/stir this bowl". Sorry but it's ridiculous to call general household chores adult activities .

YANBU. DD and DS are 15. Since they were 8ish they've been doing housework. We have a rota so the chores are rotated between me, DH, DD and DS. The chores include washing, dishwasher, clean bathrooms, making dinner, hoovering and all the other little bits. Wasn't always this much, but they contribute more now as they're older.

Childhood is no shorter than its ever been. Far from it. It's not much more than 100 years since children as young as five were working in mines and factories. Even 50 years ago, many people left school to work at 15.

Fine letting kids be kids, but shielding them from adult activities and letting them believe that cereal pours itself, washing up finds its way to the sink or dishwasher itself and tidying/putting away and all aspects of laundry happen by magic is setting them up for a very hard learning curve when they leave home. 20 years from now their partners or flatmates would be on here complaining that they leave mess everywhere and don't participate in household chores because they don't realise it doesn't all happen by itself and needs input.

Tidying up after oneself isn't 'chores', but it multiplies into chores if it isn't done. I try to always get my eldest two (12 and 10) to pick up after themselves even if it takes less time and hassle for me to just do it.

They don't have a fixed chore list, but I will ask them to hoover the living room/their room/keep an eye on their little sister while I get something done/cycle down the road to the shop for something/empty the dishwasher and they do it, with varying levels of complaining. I don't ask them to do 'dirty' jobs like cleaning bathrooms/litter trays/taking the bins out. They help cook now and again and over the years have got decent at basic kitchen skills like chopping veg, seasoning food. I'll sometimes get them to come and watch while I do something, like making a salad dressing or a bechamel, in the hope that bits of it'll stick. They can make a basic tomato sauce for pasta, they've made bread dough before, 12yo can scramble eggs.

I agree completely that DC need chores from an early age and to learn about cooking etc. Do have an issue with children getting their own breakfast before school though. Freely admit it's my own problem but I always felt that I should do their breakfast before school. Weekends though, they made their own from about same age as op DC.

No YANBU.

My DS (9) makes bed each day, tidied room each night, takes his stuff up off the stairs as and when, vacs his room on a Saturday, outs his washing on the basket, can sort a washing load, put liquid in machine and turn it on, empty and it and sort washing after, sort out all the socks and pants out and put them away. He also dusts and helps DH do the gardening.

He loads and empties dishwasher too if asked and can put it away.
Can also make brownies and spaghetti Bolognese with minimal supervision.

I was simply expressing why I am happy to do things for my kids

Sorry if you think I am being snippy but you said that cooking for your children is simply part and parcel of being a parent, thus insinuating that the OP didn't do this

Surely you can see why that came across as judgmental?

childhood seems to be longer than ever in a lot of ways to me! gap years, extended time in education, children living at home well into their 20s and sometimes 30s!

DC isnt making breakfast while i'm lounging in bed or anything! i'm right there getting breakfast for the younger ones! I'm trying to introduce things when i can see he's excited to be able to do a new thing rather than wait until he knows its a chore.

i dont use the term 'chore' though, we do call the tidying 'house jobs' but the bulk of it is just what i would consider finishing what you started - you wore the clothes, you put them in the wash, you got the toy out, you put it away etc.

At the weekends the DC will help with the whole meal prep - chopping, getting the right pans, etc. in the week its more the actual cooking (and they love this!) the 5 year olds know how to tell if different meats are cooked, how to check veg is cooked and beginning to understand basics of seasoning. cooking needs to come easily to them so they dont end up eating junk for ease like i did.

i also hope it helps teach teamwork - if you help me set the table i will have time to help you with your lego afterwards - working together actually allows more time for fun.

the chores will increase as they get older, i'm about to start getting DC1 to learn how the washing machine works!

barbara that is exactly what i want to avoid. i still cringe at the memory of my uni flatmates laughing as i tried to wash up with cold water and gallons of washing up liquid - i'd never been shown how to do it!

an actually in some ways its nice quality time with my little helper, we chat as we work. the only job they get left to do by themselves is the playroom tidy.

an actually in some ways its nice quality time with my little helper, we chat as we work.

Same here queen we certainly don't leave the dc to do all these things by themselves, we're generally there chatting away while either doing the task with them or doing something else in the same room.

We both work outside the home so for example the time in the kitchen preparing dinner or tidying away afterwards is time spent hearing their news about school or friends and catching up on their day. It's nice and I don't think it feels like work for them or us!

an actually in some ways its nice quality time with my little helper, we chat as we work I agree with this - clean up after dinner, the whole family help, dcs chose the music and quite often this is the best time for the teens to talk. Childhood is not getting shorter, quite the opposite - kids are living at home with their parents well into their 20s and 30s.

My DS is not long turned 4 and completes a lot of the tasks in your "daily" list.
Puts dirty clothes where they should be
Takes his dirty dishes through to the kitchen
Cleans up his spills/messes
Puts his toys away daily
Gets his own drinks and assists with breakfast

He also helps maintain the garden and clean the cars

He doesnt make his bed as it's a mid sleeper and awkward

I think it's all just a good routine to get into

So, if the sahp outsources their job role undecthe guise of 'teaching everyone to contribute' they're leading the life of riley somewhat.

The busiest time in most households are evening - cook tea wash up , sort washing bath bed time, stories etc

You can't leave those till school hours

Not kids have lots of free time so why not teach them to 'help'

My personal bug bear are people who stand and watch others struggle without batting an eyelid!

I think it's really important to teach kids to do this young so that it's just habit. There are enough adult things to learn when they move out as it is, so why not get the easy stuff cemented in their brains while you can.

I'm also mindful that both my DCs are autistic - high functioning but I know they will find living independently difficult. Anything I can teach them now is vital.

Parsnip I don't understand what you think I was insinuating? That the OP wasn't being a parent or wasn't providing food for her kids?

The OP asked for views on the tasks she sets her 7 and 5 year old. I feel that it is a parent's responsibility to sort out food for a 7 year old, be that breakfast, lunch or dinner. I expressed this view. I wasn't judging simply trying to explain my point of view, a view she asked for when she posted the question. Clearly, I'm in the minority and that's fine. I'll take that on board and I may or may not change my opinion based on what I've read.

What do you do if they're doing all of that? Making a 7yo make his breakfast is just wrong when there's an adult who stays at home all day.

Making a 7yo make his breakfast is just wrong when there's an adult who stays at home all day.

Hardly child labour getting a child to pour some milk on a brown of cereal is it?

It's stay at home parent, not stay at home servant. Part of parenting is teaching your kids independence.

BOWL of cereal.

but the whole poInt of having a sahp to school age children is so that that parent has 6 hours per day (so plenty) to get all the household/admin/cooking/bins everything out of the way, so that outside of school hours/work hours the whole family gets to enjoy whatever it is they enjoy

The whole point...is to teach children responsibility. A SAHP is not a servant. They will do most of the chores obviously but that doesn't mean everybody else gets to do nothing.

They can learn orher skills into their teens but if they get a shock when they leave home or unprepared, doesn't really mean the end of the world does it? They will get it together at some point .

But why would you want them to get a shock

Making beds is hardly a chore either with duvets. Get out of bed, pull duvet back up, job done.