To make my DC do chores?

[QueenOfTheSkies]

Because DM thinks I am!

Background: DM and MIL were both SAHM's who did all the household jobs while we were at school. We didn't have any chores. As a result DH and I had a very steep learning curve when we left home about the amount of work involved in running a house and we still struggle to motivate ourselves to not slob out and to get on with household jobs.

I am a SAHM to our DC and I am responsible for the household work (mutually agreed with DH, we are happy with the arrangement) but I feel its important the DC learn while they are young enough for things to become habit what jobs need to be done around the house. DM thinks I am cruel for making the DC 'work' that it is my job and they should be left to play and if they really have to do jobs I expect too much for their age.

My AIBU is whether I make them do too much?

DC are 7 and 5.

Daily: Make their own bed.
Get dressed and put pjs neatly.
7 year old makes own breakfast.
Bring their dirty plates to the sink after meals.
Tidy their playroom before bed
Set the table for every meal
Put dirty clothes in the laundry
Hang clean clothes over chair to be used again.
put away school bag/shoes/coat

Same with cooking the food. I think that's part of just looking after them and comes with being a parent.

Part of being a parent is also teaching them independence and self care skills such as cooking.

i think at age 5 and 7 they love to be helpful - as they get older the chores become more of a battle. You may have alter your expectations as they get older or you'll become bogged down in a battle of the chores.

Ours are 11 and 6 and each night when we come in from work/school we put on loud music, set a timer for 15 minutes and everyone gets busy for those 15 minutes doing chores. They can pick and choose which they'd like to do, they can even opt out (but if they do they don't get xbox time later, so they never opt out) and it means we get a huge amount done in a very short time and everyone feels like they've achieved something. Even DH has to join in if he's here, much to MIL's horror (who was recently handed a basket of washing to fold by DS1 when she arrived during chore time).

MIL is a big believer that there's such a thing as women's work. Horses for courses and all that, I think the DCs need to know that it's everyone's job to take care of our home and prep meals. So far they don't grumble about it.

Does your husband do the same as if yes that's fine, if no I think you are creating a worrying dynamic for your children separating him off as being immune from them

I don't think those tasks are unreasonable. Part of doing chores is learning to be an independent and well rounded adult.

Looks like the majority agree i'm just teaching good life habits, phew!

Yes the making breakfast is cereal/toast. i/DH do it when we have eggs/fry up etc.

DSs and DD are expected to do the same jobs, we dont have 'boys jobs' and 'girls jobs' (except for DS having to clean the toilet floor as its only him that pees on it!)

DH cooks at the weekend and does the bins and any other jobs that need doing. I am very vocal with the DC that I do most of the house jobs because I am at home, not because I am a woman. DS has never tried to get out of a job for it being a 'girls job' yet!!

I wouldnt say they do the jobs happily! there is usually a bit of grumbling (especially tiding up!) but i usually smile and point out that if they set the table they will eat quicker as i can finish the cooking etc.

they also help with garden jobs - collecting leaves, picking fruit, carrying weeding to the compost. not the whole time, just a bit of help to get them used to the idea of what goes on and needs doing.

I'm not expecting them to cook dinner by themselves yet or anything! just to help so they understand what goes into their meals, how to tell when things are cooked. this bit they actually enjoy!

DM is adament i'm being lazy by making them work. but it would be a lot quicker if i did the jobs myself!!

Bringing our children up to see sharing a house and maintaining a home was a team effort is one of the reasons that our home still works now there are 5 adults living in it. Yes, DH has always done his share.

Two of mine left home for uni and were shocked at how little some students knew about basic adulting. Everything from laundry to him yo use public transport.

I see this as getting DC into good habits. It takes a team to run the house.

And I agree it would be a lot quicker if you did it all yourself... can't believe your DM thinks two young children sticking their own clothes in the wash bin or taking their dishes to the sink means you are being lazy!

Sounds very reasonable, OP. THat's the sort of thing I remember doing as a child from around the age of 9, with a SAHM (although a lot more children!) Children need to learn that everyone contributes.

Barbara the breakfast comment wasn't held up as a shining example, simply as a observation. I imagine my mum made my breakfast as she enjoyed doing it not because she thought I was incapable Clearly no one ever makes you breakfast in bed as you're more than capable of doing it yourself

Parsnips I agree with teaching my kids self care skills but I also enjoy caring for them. For me it's finding a balance between the two. I'm happy with my balance, thank you.

Just to play devils advocate: yep, great that they clear up their own mess, but the whole poInt of having a sahp to school age children is so that that parent has 6 hours per day (so plenty) to get all the household/admin/cooking/bins everything out of the way, so that outside of school hours/work hours the whole family gets to enjoy whatever it is they enjoy.
So, if the sahp outsources their job role undecthe guise of 'teaching everyone to contribute' they're leading the life of riley somewhat.

My ds 3 is expected to tidy up after himself and always does as he doesn't know any different. As he gets older and can dress himself ect I will expect the other things you mentioned. Ds 1 will also soon be expected to do small things like putting toys in a box. I think it's extremely important they are taught these things from an early age! Of course I let then be chikdren gland have fun but they know they have to tidy ect. My mum was a sahm who never did this with us. When she did ask us on the odd occasion we barely did it and dragged our feet. When I left home it was a massive shock! My mum openly admits she regrets it now she has 2 adult (over 22!) Daughters living at home that she has to cook for, wash for, clean for, change beds for, put washing away for because it's what they EXPECT her to do. And they get angry if she doesn't.

Totally NBU. I'm in exactly the same position as you. My parents never taught me how to do anything. If I tried, my mom was hovering around and would just take over. As I became a teenager they would sometimes expect me to do things and then get mad when it wasn't done properly but they'd never shown me how! I was EXTREMELY lazy and had a huge shock when I moved out. I'm talking piles of laundry on the floor, mould on things in the kitchen, rubbish everywhere... I'd sit there and think 'but I've already done some tidying today!' because i hadn't realised that running a house meant doing more than one job a day. My mom came from an abusive household where she was expected to do proper chores from about five and hit if it wasn't done to a good enough standard, which is why she went the opposite way with me and my sister. It was too far the other way and we were wrapped up in cotton wool in most aspects of life. Luckily, my husband has always been tidy and good around the house (because his mom taught him to do that) so I've gradually improved.

My nine year old has a similar list of chores, which aren't exactly chores but more like habits. I expect him to vacuum his bedroom every week after tidying but he doesn't do it properly, it's just to get him used to the idea of doing it. The only other chores he does are sometimes bringing in laundry from the line and putting the bins out to the edge of the pavement on bin day. I don't call them chores, I tell him that we all work together to keep our household running smoothly. I would say that it is much more difficult as he is getting older and my idea of instilling these as habits hasn't quite come off. He moans and strops a lot about simple things like putting his coat on a hook when he comes in from school but I don't want him to be incapable and naive like I was as a young adult, so I continue with it.

arethereany i agree to a point. the main reason we chose to have me SAH is so it was a parent doing the school run, able to go to parent assemblies/shows/galas etc, DC didnt need to be in wraparound care. the fact i also do all the household stuff was secondary. While the kids are at school (i also have a toddler at home) i clean the whole rest of the house, do the laundry (the DC only do pants and socks at the moment), do the packed lunches, ironing, shopping, dinner prep work (saving a token amount for my helper) and do all the admin. i'm most certainly not living the life of riley!

splandy thats exactly my thoughts - they dont do the jobs 'well' as yet but that will come in time. i want them to be capable adults when they leave home!

That's fair enough, I was just trying to see it from your Dm angle. Having a toddler at home makes a huge difference. Yanbu.

I think the concept of chores is a bit dismal and too structured, somehow. I mean, I hoover and clean the wooden floors once a week and change the beds but I don't really have a designated day for it! AsBert says, best to just let them help with ticking things over.

I'm a SAHM to teenagers - when ds was 11 he suggested that he shouldn't have to do chores because it was my job - he was wrong it's my job to ensure my dcs can look after themselves become functional adults, not be their servant! So when they can do something they don't need me to do it for them - of I do sometimes when they are pushed for time but generally they have learned how do most household chores, to offer to help without being prompted. They are not overladen with chores but they know they are expected to contribute to the running of the household.

Yanbu. This weekend ds (4) has helped me tidy the kids room, put away clothes, make after school snacks for the week, dust (badly, but we'll get there) and watched intently while I Hoover and deep clean the bathroom. He can't do it yet (fumes etc) but can appreciate that I've done it- I got lots of 'well done mummy's and 'our house is looking lovely you're such a good girl's 😂

Start them young, or they never learn.

I don't see any issue with it at all. My DC are 8 and 6 and are expected to tidy their rooms, put laundry away, set/clear table, unload dishwasher and so on. DS quite likes hoovering so it'd be mean not to let him and they can both use our (very straightforward) washing machine so sometimes might be asked to run a wash while I or DH are organising dinner. We don't do assigned chores really, it's just part and parcel of being members of a household plus I firmly believe it increases their confidence in themselves when they learn to do things that give them a little age appropriate independence.

Honestly, I've never wanted to join the Mother as Martyr club, allowing my DC to grow up thinking they're too important to do any of the mundane but very necessary tasks that keep a household going. I always think of that tv ad years ago (was it P&G?) where only the mums hands are visible - working away selflessly in the background so that life is lovely for the DH and children. Fuck that .

I wouldn't class daily list as chores - it's just putting things away after you use them. Your wkly chore list is fine. Mine love hoovering and cooking

I think it's important for DCs to help with jobs.
I always remember my friend on her first girly holiday abroad, we were 19 and her mum did everything for her (she probably packed her case) anyway she couldn't iron had never done it and she had a massive strop because neither me or my other friend would iron the skirt for her. I had been Ironing my own uniform and clothes since I was 13.
My DCs put their clothes in the wash basket, keep bedrooms tidy, put dishes away. They sometimes help with the washing up.

DSS is 10, and he's expected to take his dirty dishes to the kitchen, and put his dirty clothes in the wash, and to assist with getting things out for dinner. He's quite hit and miss with the laundry, but if it's not in the basket it don't get washed!
Sometimes he moans 'I hate chores' when asked to empty the bin or help wash the van, but his dad retorts it's not a chore it's just what people do.
I think his mum used to give him and SB money for chores so he thinks it is optional lol. She also has a cleaner.