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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or did she really mean to make it worse?

70 replies

Takamine · 23/09/2017 21:53

Friend came over for coffee. We're close , have been for a couple of years. She's well aware things are rocky for me and DH at the moment, particularly around sex. So we're chatting, DH is around, joining in occasionally (they also get on well) and (we have just had babies) she throws in that she was all over her DH when she came out of hospital, and that recently he'd been giving her the knock back because she was after it so much. It seemed to come from nowhere, and was when DH was in the same room. Wtf is that all about. 3 times she brought it up - is this just an oversight on her part or something else?! For background, she is very open and we have all chatted about sex before, but the timing today couldn't have been more off

OP posts:

Charolais · 24/09/2017 03:47

For background, she is very open and we have all chatted about sex before, but the timing today couldn't have been more off

You have chatted about sex with this woman and your husband? It’s very inappropriate if you have. You need to keep your sex life between you and your husband. You have invited this woman to get involved with you and your husband’s sex life and deserve whatever you get from her.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 24/09/2017 04:01

I read it that she was saying that to your DH to try and say 'sort yourself out' way, even if inappropriate.
Mind you, it is nearly 4 in the morning and I can't sleep! 🙄

ElspethTascioni · 24/09/2017 05:13

Urgh GreenTea don't make sweeping statements like it's very rare for women to want sex soon after birth - it's yet another way to make some women feel crap. Yes, some women have no interest for months , but I know plenty who are interested within the first few weeks (myself included) - there's a spectrum, just like anything.

TheStoic · 24/09/2017 05:17

So was she aware that your sex issues were about you being uninterested?

Or could she have thought it was your husband with the lack of interest and she was trying to...gee him up a bit?

Sleephead1 · 24/09/2017 05:47

You say shes a good friend and you all talk about sex so its not like youve never spoke about sex and she just brought it up. No way would i drop her over this if you want to say something i would say it made you feel abit uneasy as she knows you are having issues at the moment and see what she says. I mean it seems super harsh to drop a good friend you see 3x a week and your kids get along with over this one issue that you havnt even discussed.

Original poster

Takamine · 24/09/2017 08:01

That's true sleepyhead - I guess I feel I've had my eyes opened a little. The concensus on this thread seems to back up my thoughts that her feelings would always be a priority over mine and I'm not sure that's a balanced and worthwhile friendship.

OP posts:

Gorgosparta · 24/09/2017 08:09

She did it to be better than you. To try and make your dh think she is better than you. Thats why she flirts with him. She feels it makes her better than you that your dh would flirt with her.

What is your dh thinking, flirting with his wifes friend? I assume he likes his ego stroked as well. But he doesnt realise she doesnt give a shit about him. Its all about her. She would flirt with anything if it made her feel the best. And it about you. Making sure that you know she is better than you.

Non of the above does her make her better. But she thinks it does and likes that it makes you feel bad. You can bet she will know that it makes you feel inadequate.

Tbh after i had ds i was rampant. Everyone knows many women struggle afterwards. I would never have dreamt of saying anything to anyone, especially anyone with a new baby and their dh.

fourandnomore · 24/09/2017 08:24

From another point of view, could she be overcompensating for something lacking? Is everything ok in her own relationship? I think you are all probably right it's just that often people who do discuss their sex lives are the ones feeling insecure about it in reality. I would definitely say something to her, you need to. Give her a chance to respond if you are such close friends.

fizzandchips · 24/09/2017 09:18

OP because you've had your eyes opened I think your friendship will naturally start to be less intense because you'll suddenly realise that your entire friendship is based on her needs being met more than yours. I disagree with others, I wouldn't mention how uncomfortable her comments made you feel as this will only empower her. Instead I would try to work hard on your relationship with your husband (if he deserves it!). Get to the stage that when she's flirting with your husband he gives you a knowing look of 'oh she's doing it again!'. Once your eyes are opened the Pandora's box is open and you'll mourn the friendship and apparent closeness you had, but you describe her as Alpha so it was probably always more about her than you. Sometimes an intense friendship with a girlfriend can mean the girlfriend manipulates you so that she becomes such a close confidant it can be detrimental to your marriage. So sorry you're going through this. Congratulations on your baby by they way.

MadMags · 24/09/2017 11:06

She just sounds like one of those attention-seeking twats.

Why are girls so shit

This, however, is a bit

Plenty of women offering you support here. Girls aren't shit. And women aren't girls.

Wauden · 24/09/2017 13:47

What fizzandchips said.

Ohyesiam · 24/09/2017 14:20

It's worth bringing up with her. Competitive people are often insecure, and it might not have got through her thick skin that it will lose her friendships, rather than impress people.
But if she can't acknowledge it, or change, then I'd be thinking again about changing hour much time I spend with her.

Ohyesiam · 24/09/2017 14:22

And charolais, lots of people talk about sex, and with a close friend, they can expect to be able to do so without bring made vulnerable. Your comment is unkind.

Original poster

Takamine · 24/09/2017 18:36

Thanks fizzandchips - that makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:

fizzandchips · 24/09/2017 19:30

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 24/09/2017 20:11

Tell her ... ask her why she did it? And that it's hurt you...

coffeekittens · 24/09/2017 20:16

You need to tell her what she did has hurt you and that her behaviour is really not attractive, it makes her look like a desperate bunny boiler

Thinkingofausername1 · 24/09/2017 20:31

I'd would have asked her to leave. And then put boundaries in the friendship

Capricorn76 · 24/09/2017 20:37

Well tbh personally I think inviting friends in to your sex life is a bad idea, however, it's done now.

I don't think you should say anything, she's insecure and competing with you and I believe that if you admit to her that she's got to you, she'll feel she's 'won'. I would tell DH how uncomfortable she made you feel and just close down any future sex chat and if she were to bring it up in front of DH I'd ensure DH and I had a joke about it at her expense in front of her. She won't like to be embarrassed.

I know a very competitive woman who's DD is friends with my DD and she always has to compare/put down what I'm doing. When she opens her gob to say something negative I just shut it down. The last time she tried I could see her becoming very frustrated and irritable because I refused to play my usual role, I just shut the conversation down and changed the subject.

DarthMaiden · 24/09/2017 23:12

Baffled about why you would talk about your sex life with anyone but your partner tbh....

I like my friends but I don’t want to hear about their intimacy. Given they don’t feel the need to “share” I assume they feel the same.

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