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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or did she really mean to make it worse?

70 replies

Takamine · 23/09/2017 21:53

Friend came over for coffee. We're close , have been for a couple of years. She's well aware things are rocky for me and DH at the moment, particularly around sex. So we're chatting, DH is around, joining in occasionally (they also get on well) and (we have just had babies) she throws in that she was all over her DH when she came out of hospital, and that recently he'd been giving her the knock back because she was after it so much. It seemed to come from nowhere, and was when DH was in the same room. Wtf is that all about. 3 times she brought it up - is this just an oversight on her part or something else?! For background, she is very open and we have all chatted about sex before, but the timing today couldn't have been more off Sad

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2017 22:30

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I wouldn't necessarily think she was 'after' my husband, I just think she sounds horrible.

But I do agree "Next time you're on your own with her ask her outright why she feels the need to do that? I'm sure that you can think of other examples of her competitiveness too. Ask her." That's assuming you want to continue seeing her.

IamPickleRick · 23/09/2017 22:30

Just to say that it's not a very rare woman who wants to have sex immediately after giving birth, how do people think babies are born back to back. After each of mine, my hormones are all over the place and yes I do feel more up for it and have discussed it in front of my friends too.

The weirdness of this is that she did it in front of the OPs husband and if that is out of the ordinary behaviour then I would be watching her in future.

AVirtuousLife · 23/09/2017 22:31

How old is your baby?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2017 22:31

Some girls/women are shit Takamine, not all. But enough that I don't have or want close women friends because I think they are all in competition most if not all the time. Definitely shades of schadenfreude.

Give me male friendships any day of the week.

Anyway, I hope you are able to confront this woman or distance yourself from talking to her about personal stuff from now on.

AVirtuousLife · 23/09/2017 22:35

"Why are girls shit?"

When you say "girls" do you actually mean grown women?

Gemini69 · 23/09/2017 22:43

Nobody's after your DH OP.... she was just being an inappropriate DICK... Flowers

Original poster
Takamine · 23/09/2017 22:44

I do mean grown women, yes. But phrased it girls as I see them as my girlfriends ... Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Takamine · 23/09/2017 22:46

Yes, I definitely don't think she's after DH - although I know she likes attention and can see that she cares about his opinion of her (she's very 'alpha') . It was more a careless or not question than 'is she after my man' Shock

OP posts:
theftbyfinding · 23/09/2017 22:46

I'd have to ask her next time we got together, something along the lines of "you know when we had coffee and you were telling me and dh how up for it you were after the baby? Did you think that was going to help our personal situation? It struck me as odd at the time, I can't work out why you mentioned it, several times?" Then silence until she responds.

Original poster
Takamine · 23/09/2017 22:49

Thanks theftbyfinding, that's a really good way of putting it. I could definitely say that can I send it via text so I don't have to listen to the silence Blush

OP posts:
Lexiconlessons · 23/09/2017 22:52

She's a weirdo. Not much else to add to the chat tbh Hmm

Wauden · 23/09/2017 22:53

I should stop all the talk about sex when she and your dh are together with you as it is odd... and they are flirty. Get some distance between them. And give her the cold shoulder for a while.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2017 22:53

No, don't send a text. Have a face to face conversation with her. You say that she's a close fiend. You need to ask her and wait for her response. A text will not get it done.

sizeofalentil · 23/09/2017 22:53

I wouldn't sack off the friendship - that's a bit extreme.

I'd text her back, the next time she texts, and say something like 'sorry I've been a bit distant, needed a bit of space. I felt quite uncomfortable with you talking about sex in front of DH the other day when you knew we've been having issues about it. Felt like you were trying to show me up or get a reaction.'

Or however you'd say it, and wait and see what she says.

MammaTJ · 23/09/2017 22:59

Shen is competitive about the quick return to sex, she will be 'that' parent who is competitive about the first smile, the turning over, the crawling, sleeping through the night, the first word!! Nobody needs that in their life.

She is not after your DH, she is after Glory!! The Glory only achieved by beating others to it all the time!!

Lose her, or forever be the 'loser'!

Gemini69 · 23/09/2017 23:00

sizeofalentil

that's very to the point .. yip text what sizeofalentil said... Smile

Ducknose · 23/09/2017 23:09

She was attention-seeking-bragging

Although tbf if you've all talked about sex often previously, she's probably not thought twice about oversharing.

theftbyfinding · 23/09/2017 23:17

I think the others are probably right op, it's about glory for her, nothing to do with wanting your DH. These people are to be pitied but more importantly, avoided!

everythingsucks · 24/09/2017 00:41

Whatever her reason, it is all kinds of wrong. There is nothing innocent about that comment. I’d distance myself tbh. And keep an eye on her and DH if they socialise.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/09/2017 01:22

Being "alpha" may well mean that although she doesnt want him (although I wouldnt discount that completely) , she wants him to want her more than he wants you iykwim.

You say yourself that she always needs to be the best.

My cousin, when we were in our late teens/early twenties would take great delight in getting men to beg her for sex with them, to the point of wrecking relationships, and then telling them no. It was how she boosted her self esteem by being wanted more than whoever the man was with at the time. She grew out of it eventually but not before she lost almost all of our mutual friends (and some family as she did it to my sister's boyfriend) to her behaviour.

Tragic really.

BenLui · 24/09/2017 01:36

Stop giving her stick to beat you with. Shut down any talk about your sex life or other “jokes”. Don’t tell her about your relationship with your DH. Don’t tell her private personal things about you or your family.

Whatever her motives she doesn’t deserve your trust.

I’d scale back on seeing her for a bit. Not cut her off necessarily but cut right back.

And yes, if she raises it I’d be very direct about your disappointment in her behaviour.

She’s meant to be your best friend, this isn’t how a best friend behaves.

greentea4me · 24/09/2017 01:52

She knew exactly what she was doing. Her behaviour was disgusting, she's no friend to you OP.

IamPickleRick yes it is rare for women and I've known a lot of post-partum women in my job. Are you sure you're not the friend?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/09/2017 01:58

AVirtuousLife. Stop policing other peoples useage of the word 'girls'. It's not your place to correct other adults.

I'll use 'girls' if I want to. So will the OP & so will others. None of your business.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/09/2017 02:04

I agree.

My friends and I are firmly in our 40's and we are "the girls" to each other. Except for one who is still in her 30's and we refer to her as the toddler!

Also some women do behave like teenage girls in some ways, the friend in the OP being one.

justilou1 · 24/09/2017 03:15

I'd tell her that your husband told you that he thought it was weird, and overstepping the boundaries of normal friendship. Let her know that he's suspicious of her motives. Sounds like she'd be more likely to listen and back right off.