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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't know if I'm being irrational

28 replies

user1483964745 · 23/09/2017 11:53

Hey my DP and I are going through some problems at the minute. We're both in our late 20s, and have been together around 18 months.

dp has always dragged his feet in relationship, always trying to deter me - too fast moving, too soon after his past relationship, too intense, etc. Which obviously doesn't make me feel the most secure. Anyway, he's done some pretty questionable things - discussing now attractive the girl he slept with 2 months into our dating was (drunk, aggressively, shouted when I cried). He's also broken up with me once before but decided half way through that this was a mistake (after saying he felt 50% in to our relationship). And I finally snapped when he slept in the same bed as his female best friend. They both assured me nothing happened, but that's not really the point. It's the bed that I usually sleep in. Anyway, we took a short break and I decided to give him another chance. However he's just not making the effort. He said all sorts when we were talking - how hed change and i would be priority. But since then, he's said that his work is taking up a lot of time. He said that I moved too fast getting back with him and that I should have taken it slower and he would have made more effort. What's upset me the most was when I kinda was annoyed he didn't come over when I was sickhe said I was mental, emotionally unstable, suffocating, and that he was going toshow his friends my texts so they knew how difficult I was.

I feel uncomfortable sometimes around his mood swings. I told him this a week after we got back together. He told me to stop playing the victim and that he's not a twat but I'm painting him as one. He said he'd never had a relationship like this one and he's definitely not that bad.

aibu to think that this behaviour is bad, or am I playing the victim ?

OP posts:
MrsEileithyia · 23/09/2017 11:57

YABU to stay with him!

He sounds like a proper tosser and if it's like this after 18 months it's not going to get better IMO. Don't settle for shitty DP material and hold out to find somebody lovely.

minionsrule · 23/09/2017 12:01

Oh op get out now whilst your sanity is still in tact. Dump him block him and don't look back x

moutonfou · 23/09/2017 12:01

People are generally being their best self in the early phase of a relationship. So if this is his best self, don't stick around and find out what his worst self is.

lionsleepstonight · 23/09/2017 12:03

Walk away. This will never improve.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2017 12:03

Well yes you are playing the victim. Staying with him,putting up with shit and whinging about it. Just dump him. Then you won't be playing the victim any more.

ijustwannadance · 23/09/2017 12:05

Why the hell are you desperately clinging on to this nobhead and crap relationship?

chickenowner · 23/09/2017 12:07

Break up with him this minute!

You'll meet someone else one day, who's right for you and who appreciates and loves you.

JassyRadlett · 23/09/2017 12:09

Please, please, please get out, OP. He will never take responsibility for his own behaviour or his own emotions. It will always be your fault.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 23/09/2017 12:10

He is chipping away at your self esteem, please get out now before things get worse

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/09/2017 12:12

When you read back what you've written does it strike you as blindingly obvious that you need to get away from this man? It does to us.

There are far better men than this out there. If you think they wouldn't be interested in you, have a think about why you believe that. What did you learn growing up to make you think you deserve a twat like that?

HailLapin · 23/09/2017 12:13

He's treating you very badly op. Please look at how you allow people to treat you as I feel that you need to put some firm boundaries in place and learn to listen to your instincts.

Moanyoldcow · 23/09/2017 12:16

Why are you clinging to this awful man? He cheats, he doesn't want to move forward and he minimises your feeling.

What do you get out of this other than grief?

Just leave and forget you ever knew him.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 23/09/2017 12:22

Oh my god. Why are you with him? He's an absolute twat.

thiskittenbarks · 23/09/2017 12:26

I was about to say read what you have written. Try to think if this was one of your friends and they were telling you this stuff. What would you advice be to them?
I know it's difficult when you love someone and desperately want it to work, but he's behaving like a total dick. He thinks he can treat you however he likes and you will just put up with it. Don't let yourself get trampled down

HolidayTimeAgain · 23/09/2017 12:27

Run and don't look back!!!!!

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2017 12:30

When a guys just not that into you, you really should walk away, not hang around begging for scraps whilst complaining it's not good enough.

He's cheated, he's dumped you, he's insulted you, he's repeatedly told you he's just not that into you and the relationship, and yet here you still are. Wanting more.

Time to end it op.

Giggorata · 23/09/2017 12:41

Yes, you are (being irrational)
See 15+ posts above.....

expatinscotland · 23/09/2017 12:44

I'm always amazed at people who refer to some complete twat they've been with for a relatively short period of time as 'dp'. There's nothing darling about this person. And he's not a partner. A partner implies mutual love, respect, trust, working together, honesty.

It's a lot easier to get away from bad people when you stop thinking of them except in truthful ways. For example, this man is a shit boyfriend, not a partner in any way.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you, he doesn't respect you, he's not that into you.

Get rid.

And please, please, take a break from dating, do the Freedom Programme, read the red flags threads on here and work on your self-esteem to get some serious boundaries in place because people with low self-esteem are like magnets for twats like this person.

expatinscotland · 23/09/2017 12:46

'What's upset me the most was when I kinda was annoyed he didn't come over when I was sickhe said I was mental, emotionally unstable, suffocating, and that he was going toshow his friends my texts so they knew how difficult I was.'

Anyone who does this is sending you a red flag.

HailLapin · 23/09/2017 12:51

Agree with other posters op but I wanted to add something.

Stop focusing on who he is and his actions and look at you more. I hate to say this but you are behaving like a doormat , you are a massive part of the problem here. He will always be a twat(and find a woman that tolerates his shit) but you can change and become the kind of person that is unafraid of putting themselves first and calling bs whenever anyone tries this entitled behaviour on or around you.

You will only figure this stuff out by dumping him and spending some time alone though. You should not be in a relationship right now if you cannot see when someone is taking the piss.

user1483964745 · 23/09/2017 14:02

Thanks everyone. Sometimes it's hard to see clearly. Whenever I speak to him I always end up thinking it's me

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 23/09/2017 14:04

He really sounds awful. I know (from experience) when you're in this kind of relationship it's hard to see clearly and it's easy to feel like it's you. It really isn't though. Get rid. Honestly, it's so much better to be in your own than with someone that makes you feel like this.

sporadicrains · 23/09/2017 14:15

Whenever I speak to him I always end up thinking it's me

It's not you - it's him.

raviolidreaming · 23/09/2017 14:54

Whenever I speak to him I always end up thinking it's me

Even if it is you, the relationship clearly doesn't work as he brings out the worst in you.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 23/09/2017 16:19

It's not tit it's him but you are wasting your time and sanity on this one

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