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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my nosy neighbour to stay out of my business?

26 replies

LizB62A · 22/09/2017 19:02

My mum has been unwell for a few weeks and sadly died last weekend.
A neighbour a few doors down used to work with a relative so knows Mum a bit, so I wanted to tell her myself but was pretty busy with Dad and arrangements so hadn't got around to it immediately.
A couple of days after Mum died, a friend of mine was dropping off some flowers at my house, gave my son a hug as she left then got accosted by the nosy neighbour (NN) from next door.
She was so shocked when NN asked her how my mum was, that she told her that sadly she'd died (she said she just didn't think, she just blurted it out)
So NN decided that, as a public service, that she'd tell people that my mum has died on my behalf, including the nice neighbour a few doors away who I wanted to tell myself (when I could say the words without crying).

This has really upset me, I want to tell the people I want to tell and at a time that I choose.

I've avoided NN in the days since I found out but she's just caught me outside to say how sorry she was about my mum.
I cut her off and said she shouldn't have accosted my friend, and she shouldn't be gossiping about my mum having died.

AIBU?

p.s. she really is nosy, she gossips about everyone, but this has really upset me

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 22/09/2017 19:04

yes and no

Really sorry about your mum OP Flowers

Telling other people news because you want to be first, in a weird competitive way, is not on.

However, I can understand that someone tells the news to mean well. I would, to explain to others to be careful, not to say something
I wouldn't keep such a news to myself

NeonFlower · 22/09/2017 19:05

Sorry for your loss. I don't think she was wrong to pass on the sad news to those who might want to send a card or pay their respects. However, it is sad that that meant someone close heard indirectly. A mistake, by your friend, and coloured by you not liking the neighbour much, of course.

Original poster
LizB62A · 22/09/2017 19:07

Trust me - she's all about getting the news out there first.

She tried to tell me that as she's had so many family members die, that she knows what to do.
It's not a fucking competition.....

OP posts:
clownfaces · 22/09/2017 19:09

Sorry about your mum Liz Thanks but I don't really get why you are so annoyed about this. It could just have been genuine concern when NN asked friend about mum and didn't mean any malice when she passed the sad news on. It is rarely kept a secret when someone passes away.

Original poster
LizB62A · 22/09/2017 19:09

A mistake, by your friend, and coloured by you not liking the neighbour much, of course.
I know my friend was mortified afterwards but she was so shocked that this woman butted in.
And actually I've been fine with her up until now but to be told how I should deal with and communicate my mum's death because she's lost more people just isn't on.
I'm dealing with stuff for Dad as he can't bring himself to tell people, and could really do without her interference

OP posts:
clownfaces · 22/09/2017 19:10

Oh xpost OP.

Original poster
LizB62A · 22/09/2017 19:11

It's not a secret but we've got a large family all over the place and I wanted to tell close family who are in contact with the nice neighbour first (they were away so I couldn't get hold of them, and I didn't want them to find out second hand)

OP posts:
PerfumeIsAMessage · 22/09/2017 19:12

Sorry for your loss but it seems a bit odd not to have let the NDN know. I don't think she was being nosey or that she was being unkind or gossipy in telling other people if you haven't. People are probably just concerned about you. Flowers

Oysterbabe · 22/09/2017 19:17

I don't really get it either.
My mum died suddenly a few weeks ago and aside from telling family, I couldn't give less of a fuck about when or how the news got out to other people. In fact my dad made a point of telling the biggest gossip in the village and left him to it, none of us can talk about it without breaking down so would rather everyone finds out on their own. I don't think now is the time to worry about squabbles with a neighbour you don't like.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

Oysterbabe · 22/09/2017 19:20

I mean what should the friend have said when directly asked how your mum is doing?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 22/09/2017 19:25

I'm very sorry for your loss, having lost both my parents I know it can be a terrible shock and difficult time.
I understand that it might be upsetting for you to think that neighbours are gossiping but I think it is quite usual for people to pass on news that someone has died, it is certainly something which happens in the village where I live. It was for this very reason that I ensured that everyone I considered should be told about my parents death personally were contacted very shortly after they died, either by myself or I asked someone else to ensure they knew.
This is a very difficult time for you and your emotions will be all over the place, it is very usual to feel angry when you are grieving and I think this may be why you are feeling so strongly about this neighbours actions.

Original poster
LizB62A · 22/09/2017 19:30

I would never dream of going up to someone coming out of a neighbour's house and asking about the people inside or their relatives.
NN doesn't know my friend at all, and barely knows my mum,
When another neighbour's dad died, we just heard about it a few months later when it came up in conversation so we don't all know each other's business at all.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 22/09/2017 19:32

But what should your friend have said? Should she have lied and said your mum was fine, or refused to comment and directed your neighbour to you for information? Also how would your neighbour know who you had or hadn't told yourself? It would have been equally odd if she has seen nice neighbour and mentioned nothing about your mum?

Original poster
LizB62A · 22/09/2017 19:33

Oysterbabe
The bit I missed in my haste is that nice neighbour is friends with a fairly close relative so I wanted to make sure that the relative heard about it from us directly (relative was away so there was a delay getting hold of her). If all family had known then maybe I might not have been so upset, but I hate interference and gossiping

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 22/09/2017 19:34

YABU, it genuinely wouldn't occur to me not to pass on news of a bereavement so that the bereaved person could pass it on themself. However, you're grieving and clearly dislike this neighbour, so I wouldn't worry too much about being unreasonable, just be kind to yourself. Sorry for your loss SadFlowers

Original poster
LizB62A · 22/09/2017 19:35

Clearly I'm a bit odd as I never pass on personal news (especially about deaths) unless I'm asked to - it's not my decision who to tell if someone else's relative dies, unless they ask me to

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 22/09/2017 19:38

Sorry about your mum. Surely though if you are finding it upsetting to tell people, it is easier if they already know. Then they can offer support & sympathy. It isn't gossiping. It is simply sharing some sad news & reduces the risk 9f someone putting their foot in it.

VeryCunningStunt · 22/09/2017 19:50

I'm very loss for you loss, LizB62A

On the issue of telling/not telling, it wouldn't occur to me that news of a death was something that you didn't mention to others, especially as there's possibly only a short amount of time until the funeral and those who knew the deceased may wish to pay their respects.

voddiekeepsmesane · 22/09/2017 19:50

I'm very sorry about your mum. But it really is none of your business who NN tells or does not tell. While I understand you wanted to keep it private and intimate to who you told and when, it really was an impossibility IMO

FenceSitter01 · 22/09/2017 20:08

I really am sorry for your loss.

Deaths, like birth and marriages are public events. They can be looked up on line, frequently published in newspaper columns.

As you say, you've a large family, it's one of those things, you cant keep a lid on event just because someone is on holiday. as soon as you tell one friend, then its public knowledge. You didn't ask your friend to keep sctum.

Your NN, whilst annoying, didn't do anything wrong.

Pinkshowerpuff · 22/09/2017 20:28

She should have minded her own business. I imagine she saw the flowers and suspected so went to poke around, I know just the sort of person.

A couple of years ago my cousin died unexpectedly and about 5 hours later someone called me trying to extract details.

It sounds like she deserved what you said. It was only 2 days after she had died so I don't think it is unreasonable for you to have not got around to telling everyone yet.

HesAWanker · 22/09/2017 20:28

OP, I agree with everyone else in that I think it's normal for neighbours to let each other know if someone has died especially when people know she has been ill.

I get that you nosy neighbour is nosy and gossipy but I think even a nit nosy and not gossipy neighbour would have dont the same thing.

BTW. I'm not sure this is a great thread for AIBU. It's ever so soon after your Mums death. Id suggest not giving this matter too much headspace and trying to avoid your nosy neighbour in future.

Original poster
LizB62A · 22/09/2017 21:49

The NN didn't know she'd been ill though, she barely knew my mum.

If I had told her myself and then she'd told others, that would be fine (to be honest if I wanted news spread, I'd only have to tell her) but she came into my garden and interrupted my friend to stick her nose in.

My friend is mortified (she lost her dad a few years ago and said she would have hated this) but she was so shocked that this stranger was in her face that she didn't think

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 22/09/2017 21:56

YABU but it is totally normal for you to feel like this. It's normal to feel angry after someone dies and often this anger is displaced and somebody else and I think this is what's happening here.

HesAWanker · 22/09/2017 23:48

OP,
Are you sure your nosy neighbour didn't know your Mum was ill? You say she rushed up to your friend and asked her how your Mum was. That sounds like she knew. I don't think it makes a difference but perhaps explains her nosiness in this case

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