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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DH should see his own SON on his birthday?!

57 replies

whaaaaaaaaat · 22/09/2017 14:53

DH had a son from a previous marriage when we met. His DS is severely autistic and now lives in a care home kind of place. His son is 18 but acts/comprehends about the same as a 3 year old. He doesn't like many people but absolutely loves his Daddy. When he lived with his mum and we had him to stay at weekends he would be so excited to see him he would be talking about it all day!

It's DSS's birthday today. I reminded DH earlier in the week. We've come to friday already and I'd forgotten about it until just now. DH is out (at the pub?). He hasn't sent DSS a card or a present. He hasn't arranged to go visit. He hasn't even phoned up so say happy birthday.

His visits to see DSS have been getting less and less frequent which I put down to us having 3 kids of our own, but it's been ridiculous lately – he's gone hardly at all, and only after I reminded him a few times. This time just takes the biscuit. I'd love to visit myself but there are various difficulties that mean that it's awkward right now. I would've sent him something, had I known!

DDS is about 35 mins drive away, btw. And DH is out of work (partly through choice) at the mo so has plenty of free time on his hands.

OP posts:

Rocketbuddies · 23/09/2017 07:10

He sounds awful, sorry.

mygorgeousmilo · 23/09/2017 07:11

Awful. The fact that he's out of work and still doesn't go, is unforgivable IMO. As pp have said, why is he down the pub if he's out of work? You're picking up the DC from school and doing everything while he chills out? People that leave their family members to just rot in care homes without visiting are absolutely disgusting. It's a huge decision to send your child to a residential, how can you then not visit them as much as is physically possible? Beyond cruel. How come you can't visit him OP?

IrritatedUser1960 · 23/09/2017 07:12

That is so appalling and unkind.
I'm wondering if he would bother to care for you if you had a terrible accident or whether he would just walk away,
I don't think I could be with a man like this.

speakout · 23/09/2017 07:13

I might be missing the point but why is someone who is out of work down the pub???

My thoughts exactly.

A man who " chooses" not to work ( despite having 4 kids) is at the pub and missing his son's birthday.

Quite a catch.

OP you may be sad at the situation, but it's not something you can force.
I would however be having some serious thoughts about your OH's character.

OliviaBenson · 23/09/2017 07:21

This would make me think twice about who I was married too. What kind of person does this. Awful.

sandgrown · 23/09/2017 07:23

This is not on the same level but when DP and I got together he moaned about how little he saw his children from previous marriage. I arranged holidays , extra trips etc. His ex never stopped him seeing them. His daughter started university this week. I am the one who told him the date and where she is living. I am the one checking she is ok or if she needs anything. He just moans she does not respond to his texts ( she is busy FFS!). In his defence he is suffering from depression. I just don't get the lack of interest

Cupcakey · 23/09/2017 07:32

Awr my heart breaks for his son. I hope he goes and sees him today not that it makes up for not going in the first place but just to brighten this young mans day today.
I don't mean to offend but how/why is he not working yet spending time in the pub! I think he needs a sharpish kick up the ass! x

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/09/2017 07:45

I know it's easy to say & hard to do but I'd divorce him.

I couldn't live with a man who treat his child like this.
I wouldn't have a man like this living with my children & being their model of a father/relationship.
I wouldn't want to live with a man who thought not working was an option (unless he had other income) at all, let alone when he has 4 children

Why do you?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/09/2017 07:48

35 minutes is nothing, particularly when he has no commitments. What a shit dad.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 23/09/2017 07:55

Your DH sounds like a fucking wanker.

MrsExpo · 23/09/2017 08:00

I have no personal experience of a situation like this, but is there a chance he's trying to avoid his ex ... who, presumably, is visiting her son on his birthday? No that that is any excuse for his appalling behaviour. Lazy, work shy and uncaring. Does he have any redeeming features? Why are you with this man OP?

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 23/09/2017 08:06

YANBU, he should see his son, for the boy's benefit, and it's testament to your good nature that you're interested in this. Hopefully your influence can encourage your DH to do the right thing.
However, it's important to consider your own well being in this situation. It can be dreadfully upsetting to bear the emotional weight in matters like this.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 23/09/2017 08:17

Your DH sounds like a fucking wanker

This ^.

That poor child.

How you can have an iota of respect for this fuckwit is beyond me.

Are the 3 children his too? Because when you split up, he will probably fuck them off to go to the pub.

orangewasp · 23/09/2017 08:22

This must be making you see him in a different and very unfavourable light. And that's without the whole out of work by choice, down the pub business. He sounds horrible, poor DSS.

Headofthehive55 · 23/09/2017 08:37

He might find it harder to emotionally deal with a disabled child now than when he was young.

I find I'm more sad now over my child who has slight brain damage than when she was young. When she was little I too cared for her as you would a normal child - we had access to everything everyone else did. Brownies etc. Now she's older, I know she will not go to uni, college is difficult, learning to drive is almost impossible, and we do wonder whether she will be able to make her own way in the world.

Life is much more cruel when they get older. And the differences between normal and disabled more stark.

To see your son in a care home at 18, heartbreaking. Be gentle with him.

TheFaerieQueene · 23/09/2017 08:57

What a bastard. My DF is in a nursing home with late stage dementia. He is over an hour away but I visit twice a week and wish I could go more often.

CamperVamp · 23/09/2017 09:16

HeadOfTheHive

I can understand the heartbreak, I really can. I have had to go through some very difficult experiences facilitating one of my children to go through horrible, long drawn out treatment.

But as the adult, and parent, it is our job to keep going. If he feels he cannot visit his son, he needs to be facing up to his issues, getting counselling or support.

This is why I wondered if he might be depresssd: ducked out of work, avoiding visiting his son...

kaytee87 · 23/09/2017 09:21

Your husband sounds like a selfish prick.

LouHotel · 23/09/2017 09:30

OP this should give you a pretty good example of what to expect of go forbid your got sick and had to go in hospital/assisted living.

If he cant even make the effort for his own son i doubt he'll care about you.

That poor boy, hopefully his mum stepped up.

Kardashianlove · 23/09/2017 09:35

How can you have any love or respect for a man that can treat his own son like that?

^this

Imagine if one of your own DC had an accident or something and ended up in a similar position and he didn't visit them

Original poster

whaaaaaaaaat · 23/09/2017 21:16

Yes it is awful and yes really, really sad

My text that he didn't reply to yesterday (apparently he didn't know what to say) said something along the lines of 'is this how you would treat our kids on their birthdays if they didn't live with you?' ...I fear that the answer is "yes." Honestly I believe he would stay sat at his computer in the corner almost his whole life if no one around him forced him into action.

I broached the subject again today and he got very defensive saying that for some reason these days he can't remember what date it is, etc etc. I pointed out that I reminded him about it earlier in the week, and he replied saying I'd said it was "soon" rather than specifically telling him it was on Friday. I answered that I hoped he was defensive out of guilt rather than because he was HONESTLY blaming me for his complete ineptitude!

He couldn't go today for various reasons and says DSS isn't going to be there tomorrow (I'm not sure how he knows this - would be very surprised if he'd actually phoned and fouind out.) Annoyingly next week is very busy but he is at least saying he needs to 'work out when he can get there to see him' which means it will hopefully happen.

In answer to the pub questions he goes there to meet a fellow illustrator friend and they sit and work in the back room together. How much work happens in truth I've no idea. At least he is doing something with his time...

Yes he has denial and self confidence issues. But he is also immensely selfish and I am getting to the point where I'm not sure why I'm bothering anymore. I think he's also probably got aspergers or something else undiagnosed himself, which doesn't help, except in giving me guilt issues when I ever briefly consider leaving...

sandgrown I know exactly what you mean.
Are the 3 children his too? Because when you split up, he will probably fuck them off to go to the pub. - Yes. This is part of why I haven't left...
Headofthehive55 Yeah, it is so very tough. But DH doesn't face it at all - DSS's mum does everything for DSS. I try to be gentle and caring and loving and... sometimes I just get to the end of my rope.

OP posts:

BackieJerkhart · 23/09/2017 21:26

Wow! I would be seriously considering my future with someone who could treat their child so appallingly. It's sounds like a casebook of "out of sight, out of mind" but it isn't even that because you reminded him and he still didn't go. It wasn't even that he forgot. He literally just doesn't want to go and see his son on his birthday. Disgusting. There is nothing to respect about this man.

ladyyyglittersparkles · 23/09/2017 21:30

Your 'D'H is a selfish worthless cunt

opheliacat · 23/09/2017 21:33

The answer to your question - if he would treat your children like this if you didn't live together - is almost certainly yes, but I think it is true of 80% of men anyway. It is hard

Original poster

whaaaaaaaaat · 23/09/2017 22:23

Really, ophelia? Are that many men really that crap?

I mean, I gradually forget about people I don't see regularly, but friends that used to be close but who now barely have contact are still on my mind regularly. And how much more valuable is a son than a friend...

OP posts:

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