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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend fits me in.

74 replies

Dramaqueenbee · 22/09/2017 13:15

I have a close friend who has a busy life,3 kids,job etc as a lot of us do. Granted I have more free time than she does but am getting really tired of being fitted in around shopping trips, visits to retail parks to return goods and other necessities, She takes multi tasking to another level! I think what I'm feeling is that she doesn't value my friendship enough to dedicate quality time to. This is making me feel really used/worthless. She often suggests we meet in town and say she she will text me when she is ready to meet for an hour of her precious time and if she (very rarely) suggests a time to meet she will often text to say she is running late. She is a lovely person and very kind and has a lot of friends but I think she spreads herself far too thinly. I have tried to stop making the first move to meet up and she will eventually text to suggest we meet but it's always a flier. I think she knows what she is doing underneath but justifies it by her "busy lifestyle" I would add she has another close friend she manages to meet up with for drinks,meal and full afternoon/evening out every 6-8 weeks or so. If I didn't enjoy her company so much I would just concentrate on other friends who do value my time more.....am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Christmastree43 · 22/09/2017 14:49

I had a friend like this OP and yes it made me feel very small and unimportant. I think at the end of the day you just have to realise that's what you are to her and back off a little. Strangely when I did just that she went absolutely mad at me and said she thought we were really good friends and couldn't understand why I'd just dropped her.. she was a lovely girl with lots of friends and stuff going on but I think used to people fawning over her and arranging things for her etc, not used to having to make any effort

Aeroflotgirl · 22/09/2017 14:54

We all fit things round our lives, we just don't live our lives round a particular friend.

MintyChops · 22/09/2017 15:21

YANBU to feel hurt OP. I have a friend like this, we have known each other since we were 10 and she has always been more important to me than I am to her. It has really affected my self esteem.

This time last year I was going to see a different friend for the weekend and I arranged to fly from Dublin to London a day early to see her and spend the evening with her then get the train to Cheltenham (where I was actually headed). I reminded her the week before (we had arranged 2 months in advance) and she replied that she was so sorry but couldn't make it now, could I do Tuesday instead or Thursday?!? Er, no, I can't nip over to the UK for a night, I have 3 DC, same as her, it was hard enough getting childcare sorted for the Thursday afternoon and Friday. I was really upset and disappointed. I ended up staying in London on my own as too expensive to change flight. I was very hurt.

We have very sporadic contact nowadays, usually I initiate it and she says things like "It's been aaaaaaages, we MUST have a good chat/catch-up etc" and it never happens. I don't know why she does it. It really upsets me and makes me feel so worthless. My husband thinks I am mad and should just cut my losses but I just don't seem to be able to. I can't seem to be able to make myself not want to be friends no matter what, even if I am really annoyed or upset.

There are so many similar stories on Mumsnet. I've honestly had much easier break ups.

Original poster

Dramaqueenbee · 22/09/2017 15:43

Wow! Had to nip out for a couple of appointments. Honestly didn't expect so many replies as I have never posted before. Just wanted to thank you all for your honest and reallly helpful opinions. It seems to be quite a common dilemma from your replies. I have also seen the other side of it as some of you have posted as the "busy friend" In reply to some questions I have kids at high school and hers are older still. We do see each other for meals out a couple of times a year(christmas and birthdays) so I'm not just a coffee friend. I think I will suggest dinner out instead of a coffee catch up next time and leave the ball in her court. We have been friends a long time and I think she probably doesn't realise how hurt I've felt....and in answer to one poster I have had self esteem issues in the past. I have other close friends who I see regularly so it's not like I rely on her friendship. Think I need to accept things as they are and move on emotionally.

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 22/09/2017 15:47

But we are all busy,just to different degrees.You cant use that as an excuse,especially when she makes times for other friends.

If she was like that to everybody,well thats just her.But shes not.She has an hour to spare so she rings up the op.Thats not on.

Op i would cool it,let her get in contact with you and take it from there.

buckeejit · 22/09/2017 15:52

That would be annoying-Id say pop in for a coffee if I'm home & you're rushing by, otherwise let me know when you're free for a meal, or to plan something fun. It's pants for you to go to meet so,ethereal to fit in with her & then always be waiting to be dismissed! I'm a rusher too but I do recognise that quality time is necessary once in a while.

Notonthestairs · 22/09/2017 15:56

A lot of this is down to attitude - one of my friends suggests going out and immediately backs it up with a couple of suggested dates and a restaurant or pub choice or a takeaway at hers - it's nice and easy. Another friend will suggest catching up soon and complains that we don't see enough of each other but doesn't say when or where.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting a proper sit down and catch up with your friend but be proactive.

BorisTrumpsHair · 22/09/2017 16:01

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting a proper sit down and catch up with your friend but be proactive.

Yes I would try this OP. As the "busy" friend myself I am much more likely to respond to a proper invitation - I stick it in my diary, the commitment is made and things start to work around that.

If people say "we must meet up" and I want to, I might agree but unless a plan is made, everything else gets in the way.

StarStorm · 22/09/2017 16:18

If you were real friends, then even when you don't see her for a while you wouldnt feel like this.

Real friends understand life gets busy, sometimes there will be long periods you can't see but you have each others back.

Original poster

Dramaqueenbee · 22/09/2017 16:21

Starstorm. We have a really close friendship and have for years. I can't help the way I feel.

OP posts:

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 22/09/2017 16:23

I am this sort of friend, my longest and happiest friendships are with other people like this. We have have v busy lives and see each other when we can but its not that often and it makes no difference to how close we are. We could still call on each other at 4am needs be, we love each other but it's just life.
If we want proper time together we get the diaries out and write them in a good few months ahead e.g. We've usually already made our Xmas plans by now.

Families and work are out priority these days it's as simple as that.

Nuttynoo · 22/09/2017 16:25

The point isn't that she's busy, the point is that she dedicates time to the other friend but doesn't do the same to you. If I were you and I'd tried everything I could to pin her down for quality time, I'd dump her. Nobody needs friends like this.

existentialmoment · 22/09/2017 16:26

I think what I'm feeling is that she doesn't value my friendship enough to dedicate quality time to. This is making me feel really used/worthless

Another one of these threads! People seem to have such high expectations of their friends, it's so intense. She's busy, and she doesn't have either the time or inclination to prioritise you. Why should she?

Original poster

Dramaqueenbee · 22/09/2017 16:37

I think we are all very different in how we live our lives ..some pragmatic like existentialmoment and some sensitive souls a bit like myself. No right or wrong just different views but you can't make yourself into something you're not and feelings are real. Maybe some of the comments I've read on here are the kick up the arse I've needed! Recognise how situations make you feel and either put up with it or move on.

OP posts:

AhhhhThatsBass · 22/09/2017 16:37

I'd have to agree with the sentiment that she is just not that into you. I feel bad for admitting this but I have a busy life with kids, job etc. and for those friends I really want to see, I make time for. For the acquaintances I am not especially bothered about, I meet up with them when it suits me eg if I'm going to be town anyway, I might suggest meeting for a coffee in town. Sounds a bit mean, I know but I only have a finite amount of free time and I allocate it with a priority to those I care about most.

2017RedBlue · 22/09/2017 16:41

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Kikibanana86 · 22/09/2017 16:42

She just sounds like she's got a lot of things to do so fits you in where she can, maybe she manages to do proper stuff with the other friend because she's close to her?

I don't see why there is to be upset about some people are busy and have to prioritise things .

Ohyesiam · 22/09/2017 17:02

Sorry op, I've not rtwt, hope this hadn't already been discussed, but what happens when you ask her to meet for an evening meal? Does she just turn you down?
You could go on to day daytimes arnt working for you.

Original poster

Dramaqueenbee · 22/09/2017 17:28

I've not really mentioned evening meals which will be my next step. I guess I've not because I get the feeling she hasn't time. I've mentioned it in the past but without pinning her down to a time/date and nothing has come of it.

OP posts:

StarStorm · 22/09/2017 17:44

You don't seem very understanding op.

StarStorm · 22/09/2017 17:54

Ok, scratch that. Ive se her kids are a lot older. I have 3 young kids and a full on career and I schedule people in for odd hours, rushing in sometimes late like a headless chicken. Unfortunately, I dont really have a choice. Its that or not be able to fit everyone in.

MrsMHasIt · 22/09/2017 17:54

I think op sounds very understanding borderline doormat actually starstorm. It is good she is dealing with this.

Coastalcommand · 22/09/2017 19:48

YABU and high maintenance. My best friends are the ones I don't get to see all the time but even if months go by we can pick up exactly where we left off. I wouldn't dream of suggesting the meetings we have aren't enough.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/09/2017 20:47

If l enjoyed the meet ups when they happened and she added something to my life l wouldnt care what she did with other people. Everyone has degrees of friendship. I have really good friends who go on holidays with other friends etc but l dont care. I enjoy meeting them on and off and give no thought to anything else .
But l hate people turning up late or cancelling at the last minute. Do what suits you.

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