Friend fits me in.

[Dramaqueenbee]

I have a close friend who has a busy life,3 kids,job etc as a lot of us do. Granted I have more free time than she does but am getting really tired of being fitted in around shopping trips, visits to retail parks to return goods and other necessities, She takes multi tasking to another level! I think what I'm feeling is that she doesn't value my friendship enough to dedicate quality time to. This is making me feel really used/worthless. She often suggests we meet in town and say she she will text me when she is ready to meet for an hour of her precious time and if she (very rarely) suggests a time to meet she will often text to say she is running late. She is a lovely person and very kind and has a lot of friends but I think she spreads herself far too thinly. I have tried to stop making the first move to meet up and she will eventually text to suggest we meet but it's always a flier. I think she knows what she is doing underneath but justifies it by her "busy lifestyle" I would add she has another close friend she manages to meet up with for drinks,meal and full afternoon/evening out every 6-8 weeks or so. If I didn't enjoy her company so much I would just concentrate on other friends who do value my time more.....am I being unreasonable?

Yanbu to feel this way op. You are just slotting into to her plans instead of having a proper get together. I had a friend like this, she never had time to meet for lunch or coffee. I realised that I enjoyed her company far more than she enjoyed mine and I backed off. I felt sad about it, but that's life. Put your efforts into other friendships.

i have a friend the same. everything else is more important. it's just who she is so o try not to take it personally.

i know she loves me and if i needed her she would be there but it does make you question things occasionally especially when there are a few back to back 'fob offs'

i can see why you are hurt but if you know her well and that is what she is always like just try to brush it off.

Op, did she used to go out at night's with you but you've now been 'relegated' to the day times, even though she still sees her other friends at night?
If this is the case YANBU.

You haven’t answered the question “have you asked her for dinner?”

Have you actually said “let’s go for dinner what night are you free?”

See proverbial, I always thought my friend was like that - and I'm a bit like that too. But then I realised that she was happy to spend time with other friends, it was me specifically that she would cancel on or try and squeeze in for a brief visit. If I'm honest with myself, I think she felt and obligation to me. She is genuinely a lovely person and was an old friend from way back. I think I was the equivalent of an old Aunty or someone that you know you should keep in touch with but you don't actually enjoy spending time with. Not fair on either of us!

Yanbu at all. And I can't believe so many people think it's fine to leave a friend hanging around in town with no idea when you will be meeting them.
In future op ask her what time she wants to meet and if she can't give you one tell her you'll have to leave it as you've got stuff to do. If she's ridiculously or persistently late just leave and tell her you didn't think she was coming.

What happens if you say fancy meeting for pizza one night next week or the one after?

Hi OP , i am in your friend's role these days , and let me tell you I feel terrible and guilty about it all the time , but it can't be helped .
I work full time and have a DS and DSS , and also have to travel for work a bit . i really try to fit my friends in but I can only do certain dates/times and of course if they are already busy i can't expect them to drop everything so i miss my chance .
my 2 closest friends are now in a different stage of life to me , one is single , works part time , the other has a casual boyfriend and lives at home with her mum. They also live close to eachother where i moved to the suburbs with my DP.
when i hear or see they have been meeting up together doing fun stuff ( that i could not do because i was already busy) , i feel really down and sad , and feel like I am missing out.

i'm hoping when my little one is older I can rejoin them doing the fun stuff , or maybe they will move on to a more settled kind of life and realise it is not me blowing them out but just genuine lack of time .
hope it helps to hear it from another point of view .
i know it sucks from this side too

YANBU. I had a friend like this. She was lovely, but had a lot of friends and commitments and spread herself too thinly too. She would be late for coffee a lot and then have to dash off or we'd have to rearrange a few times. Which would have been fine but then I would see on social media that she'd had a whole afternoon/evening out with other friends. I.e. she had enough time for some people. So I let it fizzle out. She would always say "it's been so nice to see you" etc whenever I saw her and we'd plan to do more stuff together/go on a trip somewhere but it never materialised. But she could do those things with other people. So I think your friend probably likes you, but likes other people more. Sorry. It does hurt a bit.

I agree with SaucyJack as well. I think you see her as a close friend while she sees you as a nice-to-know. I'm sure she genuinely likes you and everything, but putting time aside to see you is not particularly high on her priority list. I know that's hurtful and I'm sorry...but it's just the way it goes sometimes...it won't be any reflection on you.

Why don't you suggest dinner one evening as it would be nice to have a couple of hours to chat rather than grabbing an hour between chores?

How often do you see her OP? If you're seeing her for an hour or so every week/fortnight, then you're actually seeing more of her than the friend she sees for a full evening once every 6/8 weeks. I'd say little and often is actually more precious in terms of an ongoing friendship than a big thing every couple of months. If you wanted that dedicated time with her you'd probably have to back right off and only see her that infrequently yourself.

(waves to the other AuntLydia - sorry if I'm stepping on toes - I'll prob be namechanging before too long anyway)

I had a friend like that.we would meet at 12 but she would go at 2 to meet other friends.It was constantly loike this.It was like a last resort.She was always cancelling things as well.

The last time she cancelled was because she was cat sitting.She had arranged wiht me a few weeks before and we agreed that date.That was the last straw..

She would rather catsit than meet me,so i took the hint.

I think in this case see if she wants to meet up at night and if she doesnt i would let it go.You wont be missing much anyway.

YANBU. I had a friend who did this. Always fitting me in with meetings, or asking me to travel long distances to have a coffee somewhere which was convenient to her, and after a year or two of this when I tried to redress the balance and asked her, for the very first time, to come over to where I was, she resisted and squirmed and very reluctantly agreed only after I said I can't make it then. After that she would never meet me halfway, I always had to go to her. What made it worse, was when we would have a quick coffee, she'd tell me how the night before or that evening she was off out to do something nice with another friend. I'd sit and listen and look at her in disbelief, feeling pretty sick inside. Whenever I asked her to do anything similar, she always said she didn't have time.

Finally, she messed me around three times in a row, and the third occasion big time, mucking up my summer holidays, then called me to tell me what a great time she had with friends who were on the visit she had asked me to go on months to keep her company before and then never arranged. It was really the last straw. I went NC, probably not the best way, but I could not take any more.

Her husband got in contact a year later, said he was with her and asked how I was. I told him how hurt I had been and why I had gone NC. He would have passed this on, I thought she might get in contact and apologise. She didn't. In fact I can see her fuming that someone dared rebelled!

She's not a horrible person, just selfish and obviously my friendship didn't mean a lot to her. That realisation is where I got to, and I decided not to waste my time and friendship on her any more. I feel freed up from constant imbalance which just wears you down.

If you feel you can tell her, do. Otherwise just step back - your time and friendship is as precious as hers to give, remember that.

I think YABU, I'm that friend, have young DC, work full time. I spend all weekend running around and if I happen to be at a bday party/retail park close to one of my friends I'll text last min and see if they can meet up for a coffee- because I want to see them, see how they are, and it's the only chance I get.

Perhaps she cant afford several full blown lunches out with a variety of friends and would just prefer a coffee and catch up. Perhaps shes hasn't got three spare hours in the middle of the day to be having a fine dining experience and just wants a coffee. Perhaps by evening she's knackered and does want to go out?

I have a friend and she is a good friend who is needy like this. Always pressuring me to go out. I don't want to go out at 9pm for a meal, I want to be in my pyjamas by then but she wants to settle her children before the babysitter arrives hence always wanting to do things later. She never has any free time day time because of childcare issues. So you get to a stalemate.

Another thread reminding me why I'm very glad I don't bother with friends.

It's nearly the weekend and I look forward to it being free of people and drama and instead filled with cats, blankets and TV.

My best friends I will drop everything for and go wherever they like, but I have loads of friends who I like seeing but not enough to make a massive effort for. Probably the same on their side too. Isn't this normal?

I'm aware that I have annoys one of my friends by always 'fitting her in' although in my case it's that I will meet for lunch/afternoon tea or whatever but after 2/3 hours I have to go and do something else. The thing that annoys me is that she never invites me to do a whole day or a whole evening thing, so I really don't get how she can be put out that it isn't happening! If it's important to you that you meet up for a whole day/half day or whatever then the onus is on you to be suggesting things or inviting her to things. If you do that and even with plenty of notice she just says no all the time then you have your answer, but she might say yes!

Say something perhaps she cannot see it for herself how unhappy you are with meeting her like that are unless you tell her she may not see it. Does she have someone else to share the load? When she fits you into trips are the children there too? Do you have children yourself? I feel like I am this person I spread myself too thinly and I know friends and my SIL we are all in different stages in our lives they don't have kids just do not get it, they don't get why they cannot turn up unannounced or text just before (when I dont see it because I'm busy with tea ect) turn up dead on when I'm putting the kids to bed, I apologise to SiL but she said it's fine but she doesn't get it really, I could see her feeling like this and I do feel so bad with guilt.

Does she have the kids when you meet? If it was suggested going to a restaurant for a nice meal and I had the kids, I really wouldn't want to money wise, depending how my children were today maybe a factor too.

Does she go out much? is she seeing other friends more than you? If she is the same with everyone then I guess she could be trying to include you into her hectic life rather than not at all. I have a friend who I see like this she is even more busy than us but I prefer to see her when we are both slotting each other in than not to see her at all, I don't want to lose her friendship all together so I am happy with the way it is.

I've been in both positions of this and it is horrible for everyone concerned if you genuinely want to remain friends with someone in either role.

I had a friend like this and we ended up as just Facebook friends :( as her life got busier and busier.
I think it's going to be hard to change the dynamic of being the friend she calls when she's planning a trip to town. Maybe just see her only if it's convenient for you to go to town as well, and concentrate on making other friends. Sorry OP

Well she's obviously very busy but you say she manages to make quality time for this other friend. I think it's just one of those not uncommon situation where a friendship means more to one party (you) than it does to the other (her). That's just life I'm afraid. What is unreasonable is to get overly upset about it. You can't force someone to like you to a certain level or value the friendship as much as you do.

I could be your friend. I have 2 DC and work FT.

I also have a fairly large group of friends and limited social time. I tend to see certain friends when I have the DC (the ones with DC usually) and others I see as an when I can, often juggling with something else so I can see them. For those who aren't geographically close, this can be rarely. I also like time to myself and i don't like to socialise that much at all these days all the time.

So the amount of time I spend with certain friends is very limited. This doesn't stop me from having long term rewarding friendships, quite the contrary. I've probably seen my very best friend physically 6 times (or less) in the last 12 months.

I have made new friends in the past who for them it is necessary to always be doing things together, and they quickly get shirty with me for not seeing them "enough", or contacting them "enough", or simply for not being "enough". These friendships tend not to last. And I have observed they are people who have fewer friends. Maybe they have less friends then me but more intense/demanding friendships?

Mostly, if I make a friend with like minded compatible people, the friendship is usually a slow burner, develops nicely, and stands the test of time, even when we don't see each other often.

do you have kids OP?

To meet for dinner does she need to find a babysitter?

If you want dinner during the week, this might mean she doesn't see her kids at all that day - that can happen and some people don't like that. I wouldn't really make any arrangements that interfere with the small slice I time I spend with my DC each day.

maybe she can't afford to go to restaurants all the time or are you inviting her to yours?

How close do you live?

If you live close, do you not ever pop over to each others place for a coffee/tea without it being a massive event?

There are so many factors and variables it really is impossible for us to say.

But it does seems as though you are taking her busy life and all she juggles as somehow a reflection of yourself, and I very much doubt this is the case. Perhaps its you own self esteem etc you can focus on building up?