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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

52 replies

Pariswhenitdrizzles · 22/09/2017 13:04

I've just finished putting together a present for a family member (let's call them A). I was asked to put together the present by B and C, who didn't want to get involved in preparing the present but asked me to do so.

I've just met up with B, who needed to add something to the present. I've worked really hard on the present, and their first comment when they saw it was that 'it looks shit'.

I also met up with B right next to their work, at their request, and at a time that suited them.

AIBU to think that this is quite rude and unfair of them to say? Even if B thinks the present is shit, would it not be kinder for them to keep that thought to themselves?

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 22/09/2017 13:04

Does it look shit?

slbhill42 · 22/09/2017 13:08

yes it's rude.
if B wanted it done her way she should have done it herself.

SummerTimeSoon · 22/09/2017 13:08

It doesn't matter if B thinks it looks shit, you don't say that to somebody!! If they don't like it tell them to piss off and do their own thing! How rude and ungrateful!

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 22/09/2017 13:08

Don't include their name on the gift tag!!

MirriVan · 22/09/2017 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 22/09/2017 13:09

You do say that to somebody if you've paid into it and aren't happy with it. Whatever "it" is....

5foot5 · 22/09/2017 13:10

Do you really need to ask?

B and C couldn't be arsed ( would have abbreviated that but it would be confusing with so many other As, Bs and Cs flying around) to get the present ready themselves and then B has the nerve to criticise?

I hope you told B to FTFO and refuse to help them out in this way ever again.

Anecdoche · 22/09/2017 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrinkReprehensibly · 22/09/2017 13:10

Very rude! Have they said that and still want in on the present? I would assume they were no longer involved and tell them to eff off!

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 22/09/2017 13:13

Is B a family member? I can imagine a family member saying that because for some reason, family members are not always polite to each other.

SummerTimeSoon · 22/09/2017 13:14

You really don't say that to somebody who has spent their own time doing something that you couldn't be arsed to do..there are much more tactful ways of saying things than "it's shit" ..that's very rude

overnightangel · 22/09/2017 13:17

I would tell B to get to fuck and leave his or her name off the present

RaspberryIce · 22/09/2017 13:19

Bloody rude

Caulkheadupnorf · 22/09/2017 13:23

Clearly you know it's rude to say that.

What are your choices? Talk to B about doing something else, Talk to B about their rudeness, Give it at it is.

PollyFlint · 22/09/2017 13:42

It does certainly seem rude, yes - unless you had in some way led them to believe that you were brilliant at whatever it is you've made and could make a really good job of it, and actually aren't/haven't.

I mean, if you'd told them that you could paint a portrait (for example) that was up to professional standards, asked them to contribute materials, framing costs etc and then produced a picture that was bloody awful, then I can see why they'd say what they said, and they would have some justification.

Original poster
Pariswhenitdrizzles · 22/09/2017 13:47

You do say that to somebody if you've paid into it and aren't happy with it. Whatever "it" is....*

Vivienne the thing is that B and C haven't actually paid anything towards it. I would understand if they had contributed towards the present either in terms of giving their time or a bit of money, but they have contributed neither.

I feel really deflated, actually. I wanted to post on here as I didn't feel able to say anything to anyone IRL, firstly because it might come across as a petty thing for me to bring up. But it has really hurt me. B hasn't apologised for saying it looks shit. It is a really rude thing to say. Especially as they're a close relative.

B said to me: 'oh it looks shit and if it had been me who had sorted out the present, I would've done X, Y and Z to make it look good.' I did actually reply to B that I had already asked them several times before if they could please help me. They'd refused each time, saying that they were sick and tired of the situation connected with the present (connected to a big event that was held a few months ago for A), so they didn't want to help. And now they tell me my effort looks shit. It does feel like a slap in the face to be honest.

OP posts:
Witchend · 22/09/2017 13:48

Well it's rude, but there are questions before deciding how rude.

Have they paid for it and your contribution is time?
Is it something they could have done?
Have you done it before/did you say you could do it?

I mean as a present for a relative one person (T) suggested that we did a photo book of their surprise party. They said that they'd a friend who was really good who was happy to come for cost of materials and lunch at the party (restaurant private room) So 2 of us paid £30 to T and T said they'd transport them there as their share, which was clearly a try on as they were driving anyway, but no one wanted to challenge.

So they came to the party and had a lovely time sitting round eating food and talking. At the end they remembered they took photos and asked if everyone could come outside so they could do a group one.
Dh ended up arranging everyone as the photographer was literally just going to point his camera and we could see that various people were out of sight.

Over a 3 hour party he took about 30 photographs. And most of them were snaps. About half were of T/T's family sitting talking to him over lunch. Even the formal ones of the whole lot were rubbish, people cut off the side etc.-dh had taken a better one by putting our camera on timer and standing it on a table. Hmm
To do the photo book we ended up sending an appeal out to people we knew who had been there and brought cameras.
Then had to arrange the photos and get the book sorted as the photographer's idea was to buy a cheap photo album and stick one of his photos in the middle of each page. They weren't even straight on the page. If it had been done by the younger grandchildren (aged 4yo) it would have been considered an okay effort. Grin

Everyone was very British and polite about it. "We thought it would be nicer to have more variety" (ie not just photos of T with their mouth open) "The print he was using didn't get the colours right, so this group shot seemed better to use" etc.
But I wouldn't have blamed anyone if they'd been very rude about it.

Original poster
Pariswhenitdrizzles · 22/09/2017 13:51
  • unless you had in some way led them to believe that you were brilliant at whatever it is you've made and could make a really good job of it, and actually aren't/haven't.*

I hadn't volunteered to do it Polly. I had been asked to do it by B and C and they both said that they didn't have the time to get involved.

B and I are having a bit of a rubbish relationship at the moment. I work part-time right now and B works full-time, so their justification is that they have a full-time job so they can't spend any time on the present and it's better anyway if one person just focusses on it.

B is acting as if they'd given me guidance on how to sort out the present and I'd just wilfully not taken the advice, when in fact I have asked them for help and they've absolutely refused to get involved.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 22/09/2017 14:20

Can I guess... it's a basket of baby things made up to look like a cup cake!

picklemepopcorn · 22/09/2017 14:20

Or a cellophane wrapped sweet tree!

Sooooooooooooooooooooo · 22/09/2017 14:21

Just put your name on it then.

Hissy · 22/09/2017 14:23

Are YOU happy with the gift you have created for A?

that is the most important thing. If B doesn't like it, she can sort her own fucking present out then can't she?

Has C seen it?

Love51 · 22/09/2017 14:25

My DH has form for offering helpful advice after the event. He had now been educated about how well this is received, and rarely does it anymore. 'If I'd have done it...' is annoying if you weren't fighting over the privilege of doing it in the first place.
'it looks shit' is pretty much always rude.

TitaniasCloset · 22/09/2017 14:30

I'm sure it doesn't look shit. They should have helped if they thought they could do a better job. Very rude.

PovertyJetset · 22/09/2017 14:35

what is is????