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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is just sexist?

30 replies

Gownagain · 22/09/2017 07:18

DH away for work for a week at the moment, no offers of help from family or friends etc.

Last month I went away from 2pm Friday until 5pm Saturday, MIL took kids over night, friends came round with tea for kids when DH got them back etc etc.

Seems like everyone assumes the kids are my job - but poor DH if he gets left alone with them then that's just unfair Angry

(Just to add, DH is a great dad and very capable. It isn't him who i think is being sexist. And it's not that no one offers to help that irks me, just that family fell over themselves to help DH for the ONE NIGHT that he did on his own.)

OP posts:
EduCated · 22/09/2017 07:19

YANBU.

Original poster
Gownagain · 22/09/2017 07:21

Thank you! Feeling exhausted and fed up this morning Angry

OP posts:
AuntLydia · 22/09/2017 07:22

Yanbu. Wasn't your dh pissed off with it? Mine would be. He'd have felt insulted and certainly wouldn't have accepted offers of help.

Branleuse · 22/09/2017 07:22

Id be pissed off with that

Original poster
Gownagain · 22/09/2017 07:25

auntlydia I was offended on his behalf - but I think he decided to just see it as a night off from everyone and just do nothing much at home alone Hmm

OP posts:
FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 22/09/2017 07:27

Agree with AuntLydia. If I was your DH I'd be annoyed that people think I am so incapable that I can't manage one night alone!

AuntLydia · 22/09/2017 07:57

Hm yes, I guess it's a difficult thing to turn down. Think my dh would have though, he can't stand it when people refer to him as 'babysitting' either. You must be exhausted after a week of flying solo though, I feel for you!

Original poster
Gownagain · 22/09/2017 08:00

AuntLydia - thanks! I'm completely knackered. Currently hiding in my bedroom, dreaming of coffee and headache tablets, while the kids watch Tellytubbies. Bad parenting! 😂

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 22/09/2017 08:03

Maybe it's becasue they think your husband is going to be hopeless with the kids while you will be efficient and manage. That doesn't say much about what they think of men, again sexist.

AuntLydia · 22/09/2017 08:15

Pfft, a bit of tellytubbies won't kill them. Make sure you get some down time when he's back

pigeondujour · 22/09/2017 08:19

I'd probably be quietly pissed off at him for reinforcing it by letting his mum take them (although I'm guessing it was a good treat for her if she volunteered so willingly).

TheDodgyEnd · 22/09/2017 08:23

Whether people think they're helping or not, I think it's a deep rooted belief people don't realise they have that men don't deal with kids so need help and women should just get on with it (in my experience). Or maybe they think a week is not that long and you'll be fine because you're more than capable? Which is technically flattering but yes I see why it's annoying. I'm a single mum and EXH always has family helping when he has them for a day whereas I'm here doing it alone day in day out. I totally see why it annoys you!!

Butterymuffin · 22/09/2017 08:27

Yes it is sexist. My DH is terrific with kids, much better than me in many ways but still gets that 'ooh, isn't he good?' reaction, whereas with women it's just expected.

Livingdiisgracefully · 22/09/2017 08:35

We had this too. Whenever I went away (about twice ever) dh would get invited round for Sunday dinner, offered respite care etc. Whereas I would never be offered similar and dh went away tons with work. I do think there's an attitude, not by everyone but it does pervade, that women just have to get on with things and men have to be spoiled.

I'm not sure if we don't contribute by not asking when we need help. One weekend when I was really poorly, the children were tiny and dh was away I didn't ask anyone to help or give me a small break. Seems madness now!

ArcheryAnnie · 22/09/2017 08:40

Yup, sexist, and very, very annoying.

What on earth were the friends, especially, thinking?

ordinarymumnat · 22/09/2017 08:51

Not necessarily. You look after them daily, and are "used" to it, knowing how to handle everything. He wouldn't be, so more offers of help.

My DH looked after the baby twins for a week when I had to go somewhere. He was inundated with plans and help. I think more because he wouldn't know what to do rather than sexism. It happens he turned it all down as he had his own plans how to handle the time.

LongWavyHair · 22/09/2017 08:57

Could it just be that she's more likely to help your dh out because he's her son? And the same if he was her daughter. I think parents are more likely to help out their own sons/daughters than their son/daughters in law. I don't necessarily think it's anything to do with sexism.
I know my own parents would be far more likely to help me out if my oh went away than if he went away.

LongWavyHair · 22/09/2017 08:58

than if I went away.

Mustang27 · 22/09/2017 09:19

Yep it’s a thing and it sucks. O

ZaphodBeeblerox · 22/09/2017 09:35

We don't have kids yet. My DH is a fully functioning adult who lived on his own for at least 5 years before we started dating. I went on holiday for a week and he had 5 different offers from friends to come over for a meal. Hmm

He goes away for a week for work while I'm quite heavily pregnant, and I've had one friend invite me over for dinner so I'm not bored and don't have to cook my own tea all week.

DH is a much better cook than most of the people who invited him over too! Just didn't understand the whole "oh poor thing he's all alone how will he manage" bit.

Original poster
Gownagain · 22/09/2017 09:46

LongWavyHair - I think there is a bit of that for sure. But not entirely - it's a lot because her DH was utterly useless when her kids were small so I think she just thinks "men" with an eye roll. When actually my DH is just as good a parent as me.

I think what has irked me the most is that she very kindly offered to babysit on Wednesday night when she didn't realise DH was going to be away. He replied and said he'd be away with work for a week, she then said "ok another time" rather than offering to help. I know it's not my right to get help, and I don't even need it... ugh I think I'm just tired so feeling hard done by!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gownagain · 22/09/2017 09:47

ZaphodBeeblerox - so frustratingly outdated, isn't it??? Annoying! (Congrats on your baby though Smile)

OP posts:
Mema79 · 22/09/2017 09:48

its very sexist. i had to go A&E with my daughter the other night, we was gone 7 hours and the neighbours checked on my hubby to see if he was okay, no-one checks on me when he is at work etc. freely admit i got a tad jealous lol

Getout21 · 22/09/2017 09:51

YANBU - DH could take the kids to Waitrose & even if they were lobbing avocados through the aisles he would get help & praise!

StickThatInYourPipe · 22/09/2017 09:57

ZaphodBeeblerox that's really shit! sending a nice cooked meal in spirit! And some alxhohol free Wine

I think it's shit, when my dm is on her own because df is working away, I always ensure she is offered a meal at my house at least once!

OP YANBU! It's that people sill largely see men as useless with children / housework etc. I wouldn't be surprised if even SAHD get this bollocks too, even though they are the main carer!