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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To assume he's gay

73 replies

Itsgettingbetter · 21/09/2017 22:18

Thought I would ask on here as no one appropriate to ask this to in RL.

Have met a beautiful guy at uni. Gorgeously geeky. I rarely meet guys I truly lust after and to top it off, he is smiley, kind and gives good conversation.

In the two times we've had class together (yep, I'm keen) he wore fabulous pairs of polka dot patterned trousers in extremely well coordinated outfits. Not to stereotype, but you don't see that everyday. He also seemed to connect with the women in the class more (again not generalise), chatting during breaks. On the first day, he sat next to me and kept looking at me and smiling when the tutor instructed us to work in pairs. We chatted lots and had lunch together. Today I a friend attended and we were busy catching up so I didn't have as much time but he lit up when he saw me, kissed me on both cheeks saying 'I was thinking of you, I hoped you'd be here.' During the day he came over to chat when I wasn't speaking to others.

I had to leave early today and emailed this evening to ask if he'd like to meet for coffee as we won't have the class again for a while. He replied saying 'it was an excellent idea' and suggested dates for next week.

Have absolutely no idea if he 'likes' me or is merely being pleasantly friendly but I really want to find out if he's single and dates women. He's a newly arrived student and I imagine that if he is single he'll get 'snapped up' pretty quickly. I was planning to ask casually if he has a partner. Oh, and he is an artist so that could explain the trousers and colour coordination Grin

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 22/09/2017 01:16

Is he European?
When we were at school there was a game called gay straight or European where you guessed from appearance. Lots of French men dressed far more stylised than British men.

brasty · 22/09/2017 08:59

I used to have a close male friend who strangers assumed was gay. He wasn't. Just stylish and a nice man.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 22/09/2017 14:05

What's the opposite mathanxiety? Did you meet and marry someone you thought was straight but he turned out to be gay? Or did you meet someone the same sex who you thought was straight?

peachgreen · 22/09/2017 15:36

You pretty much described my DH (although even he might draw the line at polka dot trousers - but he does have a lilac linen jacket! Grin) and he is definitely not gay!

Asking if he has a partner is perfectly acceptable and won't be awkard. Let us know how it goes!

mathanxiety · 23/09/2017 02:29

I thought (and he gave no hint to the contrary) that he was straight. Also that he was mild mannered and quiet-spoken and fond of children and animals and had no problems at all with his mother or several personality disorders.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/09/2017 09:09

mathanxiety are you saying that issues with mother and personality disorders make you gay or these were aspects you found attractive in him?

Hellywelly10 · 23/09/2017 09:21

Never make assumptions about other people's sexual orientation. He wants to spend time with you, so do that. Don't fast forward and fantasise too much. See what happens.

Mittens1969 · 23/09/2017 09:37

It made me think about Mr Tumble too, sorry. I would be tempted to tell him that, tbh, but there wouldn't be a lot of point with him being an international student, he wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about lol.

He sounds lovely whether gay or straight, either as a potential boyfriend or a great mate. Smile

Genericusername9 · 23/09/2017 10:15

Facebook stalk, Google his name...

Install Grindr and see if he's nearby? Grin

LittleLights · 23/09/2017 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 24/09/2017 00:26

He gave no hint that he had issues with his mother or that he was gay. The mother issues became apparent as I got to know exMIL better and saw her relationships with exH and his siblings. He didn't see any issues there. I found out he was gay many miserable years after we married. His personality disorders are Cluster B - narcissism and its close relatives. I was very much love bombed initially, but the facade started to crumble very shortly after we married.

RhiWrites · 24/09/2017 04:25

I'll just leave this here:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=9pCybcpkm5c

TravellingFleet · 24/09/2017 04:32

My ex-boyf is French - colleagues assumed he was gay because he dressed in designer clothes, liked ballet and contemporary design, and kissed women on both cheeks automatically. I had to explain to him why British engineers thought this meant he was gay.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 24/09/2017 04:41

Shameless placemark!

Ttbb · 24/09/2017 04:55

Where is he from? Your average Englishman wouldn't give you a kiss on both cheeks if he wasn't flirting.

Blackcatonthesofa · 24/09/2017 05:18

My hair dresser wears pink shirts and well coordinated clothes. He looks gay. He also does make up on women. Nobody who just meets him believes that he is strictly into women. Took me years to find out that he is straight (and married to his third wife Sad)

comebacksun · 24/09/2017 08:37

If he's Italian the kissing would be completely normal behaviour. And Italian men wear red and green trousers so it wouldn't surprise me if he actually was Italian. If he's gay, sounds like he would make a lovely friend.

Itsgettingbetter · 28/09/2017 12:18

So confused. We met for coffee today and he talked non-stop about work (we're both PhD students). I'm two years ahead of him so he was really interested in how I was going about my research and what I thought of the institution we're at. He listened closely, asked lots of questions, is super smiley and had lots of really interesting, perceptive stuff to say. But he didn't ask me about me and it would have felt wrong to purposely steer the conversation that way - does this mean he's not interested?

He's a bit enigmatic - no wedding ring, he's been living in different countries as an artist and plans to continue this way of life after the Phd. What does it mean? He wants to keep meeting up to talk about each other's work. I really wanted to ask him outright (if he's single) but it would have just been sudden and odd.

No polka-dots this time though Smile.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 28/09/2017 12:24

Don't over think it. It is perfectly reasonable to ask someone you have coffee with if they are attached and go from there.

Though time will most definitely tell.

If he wants to keep meeting up and talking shop then go with it. But keep a strong hold of yourself and don't get carried away.

Wheresmytaco · 28/09/2017 12:30

If he didn't ask you about you that means he's either not interested or interested but just very rude. Neither is a great sign.

Thinkingofausername1 · 28/09/2017 12:34

Wow that's so rude he didn't ask you about you! Possible red flag??

CoughLaughFart · 28/09/2017 14:23

I'm guessing from your most recent update that he's a mature student? I ask because I see younger men wearing the kind of clothes that, a few years back, would have been considered very 'gay'. On an 18 year-old - particularly an art student - I wouldn't make any assumptions based on it. On a 35 year-old I might think differently.

scaryclown · 28/09/2017 14:30

Do him!
Quick!
He's aching to be noticed, and everyone sour grapes him into gay to stop others getting him!
Do him, and bin the polka dot trousers after!

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