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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To assume he's gay

73 replies

Itsgettingbetter · 21/09/2017 22:18

Thought I would ask on here as no one appropriate to ask this to in RL.

Have met a beautiful guy at uni. Gorgeously geeky. I rarely meet guys I truly lust after and to top it off, he is smiley, kind and gives good conversation.

In the two times we've had class together (yep, I'm keen) he wore fabulous pairs of polka dot patterned trousers in extremely well coordinated outfits. Not to stereotype, but you don't see that everyday. He also seemed to connect with the women in the class more (again not generalise), chatting during breaks. On the first day, he sat next to me and kept looking at me and smiling when the tutor instructed us to work in pairs. We chatted lots and had lunch together. Today I a friend attended and we were busy catching up so I didn't have as much time but he lit up when he saw me, kissed me on both cheeks saying 'I was thinking of you, I hoped you'd be here.' During the day he came over to chat when I wasn't speaking to others.

I had to leave early today and emailed this evening to ask if he'd like to meet for coffee as we won't have the class again for a while. He replied saying 'it was an excellent idea' and suggested dates for next week.

Have absolutely no idea if he 'likes' me or is merely being pleasantly friendly but I really want to find out if he's single and dates women. He's a newly arrived student and I imagine that if he is single he'll get 'snapped up' pretty quickly. I was planning to ask casually if he has a partner. Oh, and he is an artist so that could explain the trousers and colour coordination Grin

OP posts:
Itsgettingbetter · 21/09/2017 22:58

Allthebest you're right about the trend - thank you. Feel like an idiot - I'm so out of it! I prefer vintage myself.

I will definitely let you know

OP posts:
ElizabethDarcey · 21/09/2017 22:59

Aw I hope he's straight and into you.

Following - please update us on the polkda dot man's sexuality! Grin

Carouselfish · 21/09/2017 23:00

Kissing you on both cheeks and being so keen to meet for coffee sounds like a total lack of sexual tension and the slightly wary game-playing that would suggest straight man to me. (this is if you're a woman OP). Straight British men are rarely so at ease with themselves and their attraction to a woman that they'll be that effusive with their enthusiasm and emotions IME.

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 21/09/2017 23:06

its very very true that if a man is interested in you he will say so

you won't need to guess

RidingWindhorses · 21/09/2017 23:07

Re polka dots: just because you can doesn't mean you should.

SindyFishtail · 21/09/2017 23:07

Is he British? I work in a very international office and some of the European guys wear very similar sounding clothes to this guy. They are so groomed and fashionable! And dress totally differently from the British and Irish guys. They also are very natural around women and would kiss and chat in the way you described.

Still giggling at the Mr. Tumble polka dots! Grin

Autumnskiesarelovely · 21/09/2017 23:08

He sounds nice. Well dressed? Charming? Go get him! Before someone else does.

DaviesMum · 21/09/2017 23:12

Just wait and see what ends up going in where, or not Grin

mathanxiety · 21/09/2017 23:13

BlackAmericanoNoSugar
When I was at university I met a man that I assumed was gay. I have been married to him for 26 years, so I may have been mistaken back then

Weirdly, the opposite happened to me.
Smile

BoysofMelody · 21/09/2017 23:14

it is very very true that if a man is interested in you he will say so*

Not always so, I've not expressed my feelings out of nerves/fear of rejection on many occasions.

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 21/09/2017 23:17

sorry - i meant to type ' he will let you know'

Flyinggeese · 21/09/2017 23:20

Really surprised a coupe of people have suggested asking him. That's really not on!

OP is there a 'spark' do you think, or is it more a friendly type of connection?

I hope when you meet for coffee things are a bit clearer.

melonscoffer · 21/09/2017 23:24

If he is gay he will probably tell you.
There is no way any of us on here can tell you.
Go on the meet and find out.
There are more ways to find out than ask directly.
He will not want to lead women up the garden path date wise and this will not be the first time he has had female romantic interest so he should be experienced in being fair and telling his orientation.

LondonNicki · 21/09/2017 23:29

Well done on asking him for a coffee on email. When you meet him just let the conversation go naturally and suss out if he has a partner (male or female)... shouldn't be too hard.

steff13 · 21/09/2017 23:43

Worn by two types of men, gay men and big fat party animals.

Homer Simpson

MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2017 23:47

Which one is Mr Tumble?

mogulfield · 21/09/2017 23:48

I can't picture polka dot trousers that would in anyway coordinate with any outfit... but my ex was quite camp, I thought he was gay, turns out he wasn't. Had a 2 yr relationship and good sex.

Similarly one of the 'lads' from our uni group, very alpha male, has just come out.
My gaydar is awful.

Liiinoo · 21/09/2017 23:49

What does your inner gaydar tell you? The fact that you fancy him is an indication you think he might be on your wavelength so to speak. Stick with the plan to hang out with him a bit more and see what transpires.

Incidentally, my brother is gay and married (to another man obv). They are the two 'blokiest' blokes you will ever meet. They are into motorbikes, football, do all my household DIY and live in band t-shirts, jeans and trainers. I think the old gay metrosexual stereotypes are becoming a thing of the past.

Itsgettingbetter · 21/09/2017 23:51

Yes, he's an international student!

Thanks everyone! Will update when I've found out

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 21/09/2017 23:52

Bugger. Now I want a friend with polka dot pants. I don't care whether I get into them or not.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2017 23:54

Skittlesandbeer you could be that friend

Skittlesandbeer · 21/09/2017 23:58

MCP- you are right.

2018 may well be The Year Of Getting My Own Damn Polkadot Pants.

I've spent far too long in 'greige school pickup' mode...

MiddleClassProblem · 22/09/2017 00:01

Do it! Own it! Figuratively and literally! 💁🏽

PolkaDotty7 · 22/09/2017 00:03

In some countries it's customary to kiss female colleagues on both cheeks when you come into work. He may just be a flamboyant dresser. It sounds like he likes you anyway!

BoysofMelody · 22/09/2017 00:48

Homer Simpson

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