To continue giving silent treatment to MIL

[taratill]

I'm not talking to my mother in law, I will respond to direct questions but I am not starting conversations or phoning or emailing (which I used to do).

My MIL has a history of mental health problems. She has never disclosed to family but I think she could be bi- polar. I know that she has for periods taken medication and for periods she does not.

When she takes medication she can be lovely but sometimes she has periods where she can be crazy and hurtful to family members (I expect that these are periods where she refrains from taking the meds but I'm not 100% sure).

We had an argument about 12 years ago, there was a huge family row and she was very rude to a close family member who she had invited for Christmas lunch (and with whom she has had a one-sided feud over decades). My DH was very upset about this, he has health problems that are aggravated by stress and I phoned my MIL to say that I thought she should consider other people when she goes on a tirade and I specifically referred to my DHs health. My MIL does not like to discuss health problems (these should be kept private). I went on to say I was worried about her mental health and suggested she seek some kind of counselling. The following week I received a letter which said my conversation was akin to someone blowing up the Grand Hotel in Brighton during the Brighton bombing and was otherwise very woe is me. Since the letter I have kept quiet about anything that is not my business.

Roll on 12 years. My DH and I now have 2 kids the of whom has been this year diagnosed with ASD and had a period of serious anxiety where he tried to self harm and could not attend school. MIL turned up at house to try to help, she does not think that the ASD is true and blames it on our hectic lifestyles, needless to say she was unable to help but she was obviously well meaning in her visit. My DH has also had a further episode of ill health and had a hospital stay (again for a condition which can be exacerbated by stress) .

In the meantime the family member with whom the feud was with has died. My FIL came up to have lunch with my DH and presented him with another poison pen letter from MIL stating all of the things he has done wrong in his life and saying how it was terrible that DH did not stick up for MIL in the feud and how she did not feel love for him and only kept in contact with him to see her grandkids.

DH was devastated. This came within weeks of his own ill health and DS's diagnosis.

AIBU to think that this is completely selfish regardless of whether MIL may or may not be having a period of ill (mental) health problems herself? My own mother thinks I should build bridges as MIL is not getting any younger. I just think she is toxic and want to limit her relationship with DC as much as possible.

Who gives a shit that your MIL isn't getting any younger? Thank Neptune for small miracles! Your MIL is a toxic, shit-stirring viper. Unless she leaves a trail of pain and destruction in her wake, she's not satisfied. I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

Neither would I
She sounds awful

Not to put too fine a point on it, she's two shillings short of a pound isn't she? MH isn't something you can switch on and off. You eithe take her as she is, warts and warblings OR you let your DH deal with his mother. You can't make decisions for him, even tho' he also has poor MH.

My FIL came up to have lunch with my DH and presented him with another poison pen letter from MIL Why does FIL shit stir like this? why is he enabling her behaviour?

Darceybussellsnose it's a good question about FIL, the truth is he his completely under her thumb. He is a traditional old school catholic gentleman. He made vows to her when they married and will not break them. They live quite separate lives in the same home.

I don't think he should have delivered the letter to DS either. Perhaps he didn't know what was in it? If he did then I can only think that it is because she would have made his home life unbearable.

Sorry should say letter to DH not DS.

my husband doesn't have poor mental health his issues are physical conditions. He is giving her the same (silent) treatment as I am. He is going to have it out with her at some point but we've been trying to manage DS's transition to secondary school and he is under pressure at work so now is not the right time.

Why do you have contact with this toxic woman at all?

Your DH needs counselling to help him deal with his anxiety, and to stop the fear, obligation and guilt that lead him to insist on maintaining this relationship. It sounds as though (like many in his situation) he has no proper boundaries, and that this is affecting his health. However, as a grown man, he has the right and indeed the responsibility to set those boundaries and to take some responsibility for his own actions. Part of being an adult is accepting that - we can't say someone else "made us ill" - we are in control of our own reactions.

I don't think I'd be responding to this woman at all, even a direct question; actions have consequences. Your focus at the moment is your husband's health and your son's transition to secondary school. You're giving her too much headspace. (And another 'what was your FIL thinking'? The fact he and his wife lead separate lives speaks volumes)

my MIL is a poisonous cow stopped speaking 7 years ago, and will never ever speak to her again she will have no relationship with my child as she left a hand print on her bum, i dont mind someone telling her off for doing something wrong but never lift there hands to her!! my partner can speak to her if he wants, she has attacked me, called the police on me and her son for breaking in to her house (we had a door key and only took his items) so the police wouldnt do anything, she has followed us around if she sees us, her neighbour thinks shes crazy aswell. she called to speak to my daughter on her 3rd birthday but when i answered the phone she hung up! (like im going to let my then 3 year old answer haha) anyway my point is my life has been better without her in it and i can honestly say there has been no love lost, she caused me and partner to split up years ago and i called her begging to pass a message on about needing milk nappies etc for daughter and she never told him, (at the time i had no money and no benefits etc i went without food but didnt mind) luckily my sister and BIL helped me out loads but my MIL is evil, you need to do whats right for your children, i told my partner he can contact his mum all he wants she is not welcome at ours he can visit her but nothing to do with me and daughter any more life is too short to put up with her crap

Knitted you are right. I am giving her too much headspace. My own mother is meddling a bit and keeps digging as to why I'm not having a relationship with her. They, my mother and MIL spoke on the phone last week and my MIL implied that I was giving her the silent treatment.

My mum spoke to me about it this morning and thinks I should be sympathetic to MIL for her mental health issues.

I also have received a birthday card (probably with a cheque in it) from her for my birthday. She will phone tomorrow and I don't know how to play it. I may just ignore.

Again my DH's health issues are not due to stress, they are epilepsy and an atrial fibrilation. Neither are caused by stress but can be worsened by them which is why my MIL is particularly selfish. My DH does not have anxiety issues, other than normal stresses and strains from raising special needs kids.

jenm87 your MIL sounds horrific

I have posted a bit about this before. My GM had BPD. Was diagnosed and treated (most of the time). My poor dad put up with all kinds of horrible treatment from her over the years, feeling that she couldn't help it / she was unwell.

When I was around 11, she said something unforgivable to me then had a rant about how awful my mum was. From then, we (dm, dsis and I) stopped seeing her.
My poor dad continued although never pushed us to join him.

MH issues or not, the effect it has on you doesn't go away. You have to look after your family, your dc and DH. Have breathing space.
I would have no qualms about telling her that you don't appreciate the letters she sends and how difficult she makes things so you will be stepping back. Repeat repeat repeat. Hopefully your DH will join you (even if it's only temporarily) so you can both get some breathing space

If she has sent you a cheque for your birthday, ignore her call and send a thank you note. That way she can't say you're ignoring her and can't claim any moral high ground.

If she has bi polar disorder, she may not be responsible for her actions, so "having it out with her' will be pointless and just make you and dh feel worse.

Can you just quietly stop any involvement with her?

Sorry to go against the grain, but I think you've been quite mean. The feud was between your MIL and the other family member and it probably did cause her great distress, compounded by being unsupported. I think you knew exactly what you were doing when you said you were worried about her mental health and suggesting counselling (a low blow and meddling).
You also seem at pains to point out that her health problems are mental and that DH's are most definitely not (even though stress worsens his symptoms). I feel it's unfair you recognise ill health, but not that of your MIL.
Has she been horrible to her GC? In that case then I would understand and agree.

knittedfairy good idea about the thank you note.

Bertrand that's kind of where we are at at the moment. Very difficult to stop all involvement as my FIL lives in the same house as her.

Ducknose yes she has called my DS manipulative (when he was 5) and couldn't cope with a sleepover at her house.

I wasn't trying to be mean to my MIL when I phoned her. Her mental health seemed to be at crisis point. No one in her immediate family will raise anything with her (probably due to the way she responds) I was trying to urge her to seek help.

Far far too many drama larmas in the family.

Ignore your mil and concentrate on the health of your dh and dcs.

How on earth do you have time or effort to give them so much head space?

I would say refusing to accept her GC diagnosis is being horrible to the GC. Being nasty to the parents, is being horrible to the GC as I doubt she hides her views from them. My grandmother made it very clear she didn't like or approve of my mother, it was distressing for me. She then made it clear she didn't like my younger sister and played a horrible 'game' of favourites.

And you can have all the sympathy in the world for mental health problems, but there's a limit to what you can put up with if it's going to affect the health of your family.

I'm not at pains to say her problems are mental health, I'm not 100% sure they are, she has never ever acknowledged that. If they are not mental health problems then she is just a bitch.

I have 2 sons with complex mental disorders (one has rapid cycling bipolar) so am aware of how they can be because of this, also a bullying MIL, yes, we have cut all contact, with her, many years ago, every now and then some more nastiness rears its head.Agree with HandbagCrazys points.

lovingmybear it's on my mind right now because of the birthday card and also because part of me hopes that people will be sympathetic to my sons needs in the future and worrying that I am being unfair on her if it is the illness that is causing the problem. I guess I wonder if I am being hypocritical in some way if that makes sense.

nannybeach that must be so difficult

mirimime thanks , the kids do definitely pick up on it.

She is obviously very troubled but I find it hard to sympathise with parents who so ruthlessly transfer their own mental health problems onto their own children (even adult ones).

I dont think it is fair on your DH for her to tell him she doesn't love him but still get to see his kids. It seems as though she wants some sort of reaction from him, and she no doubt sees herself as the victim (too bullied to say any of this to your faces hence the letter), but that is very distorted.

I am not one for throwing away family relationships but I do think you are entitled to have boundaries, and should not have to put up with this cruel behaviour. A letter to her telling her how her behaviour impacts on others - pointing out that you know she sees herself as the victim but in fact she is the parent, has all the power over her children, and is being the bully - may get through to her. At least you will have a clear conscience for communicating to her the fundamental misunderstanding she has no doubt got herself in and given an explanation for cutting her off.

Never say never (i think people on here who answer 'cut the bastard off' to every problem are being careless, unrealistic and naff Eastenders drama is the last thing you need) it does sound like a period of separation might be the best thing.