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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding with a 4 month old...

72 replies

feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 12:10

Posting here as not sure where the wedding board is.

Just received invite to my cousins wedding, she was bridesmaid at my wedding so v close family. It's 200 miles away in my hometown. My PFB will be 4 months old and I'm hoping to EBF. Wedding says no children - am I mad to think about attending? If I do, what do I need to consider? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 21/09/2017 15:28

I think it's a little rude to ask her again when you already have and she said no. It already said no children on the invite too did you say? There's no way I'd ask again. She may feel pressured to let you bring your baby and that could make things strained, especially if your 4mo doesn't behave perfectly.

Though if you have a very close relationship with the bride, (more like sisters), and she would have no problem telling you honestly what the situation is, then maybe it's ok.

Original poster
feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 15:28

Baby isn't born yet and likely won't be or will only be a few days old by the RSVP date. It's too much hassle and there are too many unknowns right? On the other hand it could be a good chance for my dad, my sister and the rest of my family to meet the baby on the days before and after the wedding - two birds one stone kinda thing. I'm not sure what to do.... My cousin is v close family but I live so far away I'm not in constant contact with them all.

OP posts:
FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 21/09/2017 15:29

No i think treating someone else's wedding as an opportunity to introduce your immediate family to the baby is quite rude (sorry). Again, depends on the relationship though.

Original poster
feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 15:30

That would be the days after/before the wedding.

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 21/09/2017 15:31

I'd say to your cousin that you'd love to be there but as you've seen it's a no child wedding you won't be able to. No need to explain anything further - plenty of mothers of ff babies wouldn't be happy to leave a 4mo. If she then says she'll make an exception for you then it's absolutely possible. I took mine to a march in London... but dd is an absolute angel, very laid back. Depends on the baby!

FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 21/09/2017 15:31

Ah sorry, yes you did say that. That's not so bad.

Original poster
feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 15:32

If I'm going to drive 200 miles to go to a wedding I may as well visit family etc, make a weekend of it.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 21/09/2017 15:35

I think it would be really rude, like a pp said, to use the days before/after the wedding to pass your baby around.

Original poster
feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 15:37

Ive asked my cousin if its ok if the baby comes and stays in the room for the duration. DP is happy to support me in that. Hopefully she will say yes means the baby will be in the venue but not at the ceremony or the reception etc. If she says no to that then i will have to decline.

Hopefully I'll get a non clingy, chilled out baby that can take an expressed bottle from DP. The bit I'm struggling with is that i have no crystal ball, baby isnt born yet and I would need to RSVP and book (and likely pay for) a room before I know what's possible.

Thanks for the advice all. V helpful Smile

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 21/09/2017 15:38

So you asked about bringing the baby and she said no? Then you can't bring the baby. Don't patronisingly "explain" anything to her! Many child-free weddings do have exceptions for tiny babies, but not all do, and she doesn't want any children there including babies.

So you either go and leave DH and baby in hotel room with expressed milk, or you politely decline the invitation (which is what I would do).

TurnipCake · 21/09/2017 15:38

Refuse or ask for baby to be an exception

Whatever you do, don't do the latter. They've already made it clear that it's no children.

There's always something the bride and groom will be asked to consider (we were asked to consider the girlfriend of a guest even though we didn't know her and our numbers were fixed), asking for exceptions just adds to their hassle.

Original poster
feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 15:40

I think my Dad, sister and wider family would find it ruder if I travelled all the way down to my hometown and didn't pop in to see him with the baby so he could meet it for the first time!

OP posts:
ElphabaTheGreen · 21/09/2017 15:41

You're going to only get 'don't do it' or 'I did it and it was fine' responses.

It will depend entirely on the kind of baby you end up with, sorry, so unless you have a crystal ball, no one can answer that question for you.

Your plans on 'practicing expressing' are all well and good, but not all women can express. There is nothing you can or can't do to change this. Some women just physiologically can't do it, despite producing plenty to feed a baby directly off a breast.

Not all babies will take bottles if they're EBF, and if they're anything like my DS1, there is not a blind thing you can do to change this. Cup-feeding is a possible alternative, but can be messy.

Personally, I couldn't have done it with either of mine at 4mo. They were awake every hour of the night at that age and I was on my knees with exhaustion. I would have spent every second at a wedding wishing I was grabbing what little sleep I could around multiple wake-ups and hating every second.

Ninabean17 · 21/09/2017 16:03

If I was in your position, I wouldn't go. The invite clearly says no children. As your baby isn't here yet you've no idea how they might behave, they might have trouble feeding anyway (I planned on ebf but couldn't, so ending up.with formula) and I understand you want to kill two birds with one stone and introduce baby etc but is this honestly the only opportunity you're going to have to do this?

Ninabean17 · 21/09/2017 16:03

If I was in your position, I wouldn't go. The invite clearly says no children. As your baby isn't here yet you've no idea how they might behave, they might have trouble feeding anyway (I planned on ebf but couldn't, so ending up.with formula) and I understand you want to kill two birds with one stone and introduce baby etc but is this honestly the only opportunity you're going to have to do this?

Original poster
feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 16:42

All sorted. She's clarified there are not to be any babies or children anywhere near the venue. Not even in the hotel room tucked away. So that's made the decision for me. I'm not prepared to be more than 5 mins away from my baby. Hey ho.

OP posts:
ExPresidents · 21/09/2017 16:50

I think that's the right decision feelingblue, sorry you have to miss the wedding but I would do the same.

MoveOnTheCards · 21/09/2017 16:50

That's a firm line from your cousin but at least you checked!

Surely your immediate family will travel to see your baby sooner though?!

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy! 💐

Original poster
feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 16:57

Lol! I doubt they will. I've lived here 10 years now and can count the number of visits from family on less than 1 hand! (Mum excluded...)

I am gutted about the wedding. I figured she may make an exception for me because she was my bridesmaid, we grew up together and I live so far away that its not possible to leave the baby with DPs parents etc (which is what my sister is doing, but her baby is FF and 4 months older than mine).

Feels like a slap in the face to bf'ing tbh. Maybe I'm just hormonal though.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 21/09/2017 16:57

Erm how can she say no children have to be in a hotel room? That's ridiculous

kaytee87 · 21/09/2017 16:58

Can be in*

MoveOnTheCards · 21/09/2017 17:03

It's not really a slap in the face to bf'ing though, as the bride's intention is just for no children. The ins and outs of it (as in what this means for bf or bottle-fed babies) won't be on her mind, it's just a consequence that mums of babies who happen to be bf can't attend. To her, that is.

The disappointing reality is when we have kids there are just some things we can't do for a while.

FWIW we had a child-free wedding but would have welcomed bf babes in arms in a heartbeat had any of our guests been in this position.

coddiwomple · 21/09/2017 17:03

Erm how can she say no children have to be in a hotel room? That's ridiculous

I suspect that's the clearest way she found to say NO CHILDREN at the wedding, after people like the OP coming back several times with excuses like EBF despite being told no the first time.

She can't reasonably say "Of course, keep your partner locked in a hotel room all day with the baby", she would have to invite them both, so it's easier to just say no. Makes sense!

FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 21/09/2017 17:06

That's nice and clear then op! Decision made (right one).

I really don't think it has anything to do with bf'ing. I don't think a lot of mothers of young babies would agree to that tbh, no matter how they feed them!

Original poster
feelingblue123 · 21/09/2017 17:15

It's more the fact that because I don't live locally, there isn't anyone I can leave the baby with except DP, as all of my family will be at the wedding (my mum, dad, aunties etc). And because the baby is hopefully bf not ff it's more complicated.

Good to hear of people's experiences though. I totally understand sacrifices have to be made.

OP posts:
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