AIBU for not giving him his phone (posted here and parenting for traffic, need quick advice)

[HammerToFall]

For a bit of background DS 11 is adopted and does have some attachment difficulties, he also has a diagnosis of high functioning Asperger.

DS is very controlling and always has been, the past three to four years though we have seen behaviour calm right down and he has stopped the full on meltdowns.

He started secondary school in September, this has thrown and and the change is affecting him quite badly. He doesn't feel safe like he used to in primary school and this is having an effect on behaviour. We have spoken to school and they have put things in place to try and help him.

Since he started his behaviour has deteriorated badly, he has become really bad with food again, only eating beige things which we overcame about three years ago, he's pretty rude and disrespectful. But the worst problem is phone/iPad. They have a time limit on their devices but if behaviour is unacceptable they lose half an hour. DS lost his time yesterday after being really rude and argumentative over a two hour period.

He then went on to have a massive tantrum for over two hours screaming that he needed it and give him it back, totally out of control. It sounded like a rattling heroin addict.

After he eventually calmed down I spoke to him and said I was concerned about the effect ipad and phone were having on him and that it sounded like he was addicted to them. For the time being I think it's best to remove them for a while. That of course caused it to all start again.

Any advise of managing this would be really appreciated, but the main question was should I still let him take his phone to school, because of his anxiousness he's screaming that if he needs to ring or message me on the bus or whatever he can't. I have an app blocker so can block all apps apart from phone/messages or should I just say no you're not taking it.

I don't want to make his anxiousness worse, however he has to learn that the behaviour is unacceptable and tantruming like a two year old doesn't get him his own way.

Just don't know what to do for the best!!

Give him the phone. He's already incredibly anxious and you are removing his safety net.

I'd find an alternative way of punishing him too.

Also - an autistic meltdown may well look like a tantruming 2 year old but it's a significant mental health episode.

Yes give him the phone.

I would also agree sanctions in advance. This sounds like you've made this up on the hoof?

Give him the phone. Can't type as in rush but reason same as ^

I admit to having no experience of autism, but for a normal 11 yr old I would say YANBU. DD3 shows signs of addiction to her tablet. I remove it if there are problems. She doesn't have a phone.

It sounds like you have other DC who have to obey the rules, so to me rules are rules.

I echo, give the phone back.

Did the SS actually give you any courses etc on ASD?

Yes, give him the phone. He can't spend much time on it while he's in school anyway.

I don't think it was fair really to tell him you were going to remove his screens 'for the time being' because he was 'addicted' either. Surely his attachment to them right now is linked to all the issues you've mentioned rather than 'addiction'. They sound like a safety net which you (to his mind) have just arbitrarily removed with no fixed time scale for when he can have them back.

French - without being inflammatory I just wanted to gently point out that neuro-typical (NT) is far more respectful of a child with additional needs than normal.

Could you get a cheap brick for taking to school so if he needs he can ring or text he can

I have asd family members. When they get really attached to something (xbox, phone, laptop etc) it's a security thing like a toddlers blanket or dummy. If you take them off them it's very distressing for them. In the same way as if you said to a 2 year old, right blankets gone and took it away. If you want to limit the amount of time he spends on his phone you need to wean him down off it, ie if his phones charging and he asks for it tell him it's still charging and try and get him to wait an extra ten minutes etc

Given how much has changed for him and how unsettled he's been I'd give him the phone. Block fun stuff if need be but he needs to know he can get you if he needs to. It's not at all unusual for kids to regress when they're anxious or unsettled so going back to beige food etc maybe a sign that he's taken a step back to a more secure phase for him and his attachment to you might feel a bit shaken too.

If he uses screens to manage his level of engagement with his environment he may need you to help him with alternative strategies for this if he doesn't have his screen before you take them away.

I am really experienced, I have two children DS with HF Aspergers and DD with ASD traits and avoidant attachment. They are both in therapy and I do therapeutic parenting with plenty of empathy MOST of the time.

However this wasn't an autistic meltdown last night, I know the difference. It was very controlled. I didn't lose my temper or say anything in haste, I offer choices and have very strict boundaries which for attachment difficulties you have to do. I won't back down on the iPad as in our house iPad time is a privilege not a right.

After reading the replies I have said he can take the phone, I agree that if he hasn't got the safety net of being able to message me his anxiety levels will go through the roof. DS is quite capable of understanding cause and effect though so he won't be accessing the Internet on it.

Give him the phone today. Go and buy a cheap PAYG phone with no internet or camera etc. Then he can call or text you as needs to.

On a side note, I really don't k ow why teenagers are given expensive iPhones etc loaded with apps that encourage irresponsible behaviour. Schools should ban them and parents should be more careful.

even experienced people makes mistakes.

and you are not experienced with this particular child in this particular situation. secondary school is much more challenging than primary for those with asd. so many more rules, social conventions and sensory stimulation.

Rules are not bloody rules with a diagnosis as complex as the op's.

I can't imagine how stressful the transition from primary to secondary must be. I don't think the first few weeks are the right time to be battling phone addictions. I think he needs way more time to settle and behaviour is probably going to be appalling while he does. I'm sure you know what you are doing. He sounds incredibly anxious though,

I understand that blackeyed and we are doing everything we can to help him settle in and control his anxieties, however he still cannot behave in the way he did last night and still have privileges. Just giving him everything he wants so he never gets upset won't help him in the future.

I maybe am a bit touchy as I've had a rough couple of years with DD in constant dissociation, and years of attachment based behaviour with DS. the thought of it all starting again fills me with panic and dread!

Hammer, any criticism in pp's posts is being aimed at French I think, not you.

You are treading a tricky line, I remember it well!

So he will keep his phone but lose the iPad for a while? Sounds like a plan. It's scary when you think you may be heading back to more difficult times, after so much work to stabilise things. Don't panic though, hopefully school will become more manageable for him and things will settle again.

I'm not planning taking the iPad forever, he will get it back tomorrow with his allocated time, what I can't cope with is the constant meltdowns when the time has ran out. It gives him a count down when it gets to the last hour so it's not a case of it just suddenly turning off with no warning which I know he won't cope with.

I am trying to finely manage it so we don't get in a situation like a few years ago where he won't leave the house.

I would probably manage a lot better if it was only DS but DD is constantly dissociated in fight or flight and the both of them doing it together disregulates the other one and we end up with holy hell breaking loose.

DH is working away at the minute and it's hard when you can't tag team, as with the best will in the world two children in three or four hour meltdowns will stretch any bodies patience.

I have a teenager with hfa and we have had similar issues with phone and screen addiction. It came to a head when we realised he was accessing inappropriate material
On the Internet as he had managed to bypass all the filters and crack all the passwords which were set up to restrict Internet and app usage.
After trying everything we agreed that he could take his phone to school as it is his safety net but he had to hand it over immediately upon arrival home and not Be allowed it until going to school the next day. We also restricted iPad use to a maximum of one hour daily whilst in the same room as us.
After the initial tantrums he slowly got used to it and accepted it.

Mum of a Hfa here. Reverting to beige food, needing comfort of familiar iPad etc - are probably ways for him to deal with the stress of the new school and figuring out lots that's new.

If anything, he needs the familiar things, and to revert to what is safe and secure for him, and at least one thing he can control (food) in a world that is changing significantly around him.

Let him have them while he transitions. As he learns the new routines, places and systems and makes new friends, he will start to not need those familiar things as crutches so much.

We always see some reversion every September - the stress of settling back into school. But we are generally back to "normal" (our normal at least) before Hallowe'en. And it's something I am very conscious of with secondary looming next year.