AIBU for not giving him his phone (posted here and parenting for traffic, need quick advice)

[HammerToFall]

For a bit of background DS 11 is adopted and does have some attachment difficulties, he also has a diagnosis of high functioning Asperger.

DS is very controlling and always has been, the past three to four years though we have seen behaviour calm right down and he has stopped the full on meltdowns.

He started secondary school in September, this has thrown and and the change is affecting him quite badly. He doesn't feel safe like he used to in primary school and this is having an effect on behaviour. We have spoken to school and they have put things in place to try and help him.

Since he started his behaviour has deteriorated badly, he has become really bad with food again, only eating beige things which we overcame about three years ago, he's pretty rude and disrespectful. But the worst problem is phone/iPad. They have a time limit on their devices but if behaviour is unacceptable they lose half an hour. DS lost his time yesterday after being really rude and argumentative over a two hour period.

He then went on to have a massive tantrum for over two hours screaming that he needed it and give him it back, totally out of control. It sounded like a rattling heroin addict.

After he eventually calmed down I spoke to him and said I was concerned about the effect ipad and phone were having on him and that it sounded like he was addicted to them. For the time being I think it's best to remove them for a while. That of course caused it to all start again.

Any advise of managing this would be really appreciated, but the main question was should I still let him take his phone to school, because of his anxiousness he's screaming that if he needs to ring or message me on the bus or whatever he can't. I have an app blocker so can block all apps apart from phone/messages or should I just say no you're not taking it.

I don't want to make his anxiousness worse, however he has to learn that the behaviour is unacceptable and tantruming like a two year old doesn't get him his own way.

Just don't know what to do for the best!!

Hfa parent here. We usually adopt an all bets are off policy from sept - oct half term. During this time we try not to stress when things revert backwards. We let DD go back to whatever comforts her to get through the transition. After Half term we slowly tighten back up the rules so normal rules apply by Christmas and carry on for the last two terms.

We didn't have to do this at primary but secondary is a whole new ball game. In year 7 it was Christmas before we could begin reverting to rules.

Flexibility is key and remembering that a temporary adjustment of rules doesn't always mean chaos. With hfa you often have to go backwards a little to move forward. I also never remove her phone at school. She puts it in her bag at the gates and it doesn't come out in school time (school rules) but she won't cope without the ability to contact me on her journey.

Get a cheap pay as you go phone you can call and text message with. Means you can give him back the safety net without going back on he technology restrictions.

I really understand - the relentlessness of parenting children who have been adopted is hard to explain and yes it's so important to have clear, strong boundaries. Flexibility has its place but I know for my kids they need a clear, consistent process of boundary setting and consequences or they can't cope. They're more likely to push if I flex because in the past they're used to everything being moveable.

Trust your judgement with your son, fwiw I'd do the same thing re iPad time.

ds gets to earn his back if he las lost computer time. he earns it back by calming down. that gives me room to back down as well if Have not handled it as well as I might.

I also give ds a warning as to when the computer time will end. this is negotiable, so he can finish the video or ask for 5 minutes more... the wriggle room is built into my request so I get him to stop roughtly when I want and he gets to feel like he has control.