Drugs are fine...!£$@@£!????

[LaBoheme]

have posted this already in step-parenting but maybe is better suited here..
SS (14) has told DH that M told him Ectacsy and Cannabis were fine (she dosen't mind if he tries) although Cocaine is not so good. I am totally horrified but DH is not so surprised or as upset as I am...I think he needs to address this with her immediately and tell her this is a really irresponsable thing to say to him and to find out what was said etc. but he disagrees and says she is such a liberal parent he never agreed with it it was one of the reasons they split so why should she change now. Am I overeacting to this? I think it is a ridiculous, careless, stupid thing to say to a teenager looking to experiment and explore life...

I totally agree with you and it is a very irresponsible thing to say to a 14 year old.

I intend to bring my son up fairly liberally. BUT, as someone who takes drugs, and am constantly surrounded by the 'lifestyle' of drug users (including myself), I know the dangers. I am pleased that I can offer my son an educated opinion on drugs, and not just tell him its bad (didnt work on me!). I can tell him what will happen, how it feels, what to do if you feel funny, how to look after friends etc.. and how to do it sensibly. IF HE IS GOING TO ANYWAY!
I certainly wont be encouraging him, if anything i will be trying to out him off.

All drugs cause neurological damage, full stop. I don't think drugs are that bad (or i;d have stopped taking them!) but my brain is mashed after years of (fairly excessive) use. I have serious memory issues, and am not as quick-thinking as I used to be.

I have seen friends fall deep into drug-induced depressions.
I have seen friends die.

I do agree with realistic drug education for children (the 'just say no' campaign doesn't work for 80% of children) But, it must be realistic. I hope if your SS's mother is telling him that Ecstacy and Cannabis are fine, she is telling him ALL the facts, most importantly the dangers.

(your not being unreasonable BTW)

A lot of people believe that ecstasy and cannabis are fairly harmless drugs. I guess she is just being honest and not hypocritical with him.

I think having an adult with whom the lines of communication are open as far as drug use is concerned can be a good thing. Teenagers do tend to experiment and having someone to turn to if you get out of your depth is a good thing. Also, she has a point. Cannabis and ecstasy are less harmful than cocaine. I think most teenagers would be more prepared to listen to someone who talks a bit of sense about drugs than someone who says in blanket terms that all drugs are bad and nasty.

Well this is it BassM, I think she is making these comments so he will think she is supercool and he said that she said " I do drugs so why should I tell you not to do them" or something along those lines...hmmm.
I agree the just say no approach is rather extreme, however just because we have experiemented dosen't give us the right to advocate to our children, I feel really stongly on this and feel it is a masive betrayal and potentailly damaging thing to do. SS has already admitted (quite freely) at the dinner table that he smokes canabis and gets drunk and I am just completely horrified. DH says M is really free and easy about this stuff and he thinks is it awful too but says there is nothing he can do about it as she will just respond by saying you are a crap parent as you left them blah blah...
But I really thing it needs addressing.

Oh. In conclusion I don't think YABU in your reaction but I do think you are being unreasonable to think you can dictate to a mother what she should say to her son about drugs.

I am sure you will also give your view to your SS and he can make his mind up from all the information available. It's good for teenagers to hear different views about things and decide for themselves, I think.

Cannabis and Ex less harmful that cocaine? Who ever dropped dead from snorting a line of coke
but surely that's not even the point, if your Mother says she is not bothered and enjoys them herself surely that may spur you on to try them more?

It is an area of conflict in your parenting approach but I am not sure how you would address it exactly. You can't inflict your view on her and force her to agree with you.

Personally I don't really disagree with her approach - lots of adults DO use recreational drugs regularly with no side effects - and in some ways I'd much rather my children experimented with "lesser" drugs than drank 20 WKD Blues on a Friday night.

I worry more about the ethical side of things - the drugs trade, and the fact that you don't know exactly what you are getting.

I suppose when I come to it there are friends of mine who DO use drugs recreationally and I would advise my dd's to talk to them about it and to make sure they always experimented in a safe environment with people they trusted.

Hmm it's tricky... but the thought of my dd's being drunk worries me much more than recreational drug use... but I think you are coming from both ends of the spectrum and I'm not sure that a compromise is realistic.

I was only thinking in terms of SS, I feel for him and think it is genuinely encouraging experimentation that would otherwise not happen. But the bottom line is it is not me who has to adress it it is DH, hey ho I guess ultimately I will have to back down. Thanks for your responses guys x

I don't think it would encourage experimentation in itself.

I think only your friends really encourage that.

My mother does lots of applique and I have never been tempted to experiment...

MorningP it HAS had an influence he has admitted that he has tried things after she said certain drugs were OK, that is what I (we) were so upset about and what I though was so irresponsable as she can see what an influence she has already made. V sad imho.

maybe it's not such a bad thing...after all if your parents don't see something as awful and shocking what is the point of you doing it? I remember being a teenager and doing all sorts of bizarre stuff just to rebel against my mum

LaBoheme but surely he's just saying that to upset you because he knows the tension between you? Are his friends anti-drugs?

If his mother uses illegal drugs, and he knows she does, what else can she say?

He's told you so that you can tell him the other side of the story.

There is evidence that cannabis use can cause serious psychological disturbance. Ecstacy has been known to kill outright. You don't know where the drugs are coming from; they have not passed clinical trials and can be contaminated.

They are illegal, and getting a conviction gives ds a criminal record, which could affect career prospects.

The worst risk is that he might enjoy it so much that he goes on to try harder and harder drugs until he becomes an addict. Then he won't know who he is any more.

You can't tell his mother what to say or not to say to him. All you can do is counteract her views with some of your own. And point him to some facts.

Yes - If she is giving him that point of view (which, though I agreed before is fairly irresponsible for a 14yo, I also explained why I advocate realsitic drug education) and you know about it, at least you can give him the other side of the story.

BE CAREFUL though - if you go all out onto a 'drugs are bad' rap with him, he wont listen.

If my mother told me something, and someone else told me the opposite, i have to say i;d probably side with my mother, so chances are he will too.

Maybe you could try to be more liberated, he is obviously a very confident young man to feel he can tell you that he drinks and smokes weed. That should be embraced, as honesty in teenagers is something most people strive for.

If he is telling you what he is getting up to, at least you can try to educate him on how to do it safely.

Possibly thats what his mother is doing? Although I agree with you about the cocaine thing.. its really not particularly dangerous.. Certainly ecstacy is more dangerous than cocaine. BUT, most drugs are generally, fairless harmless (short term) and the chances of one pill, or one line, or one joint doing you ANY harm is tiny.

Telling him this is her choice. Personally, I think he is a little too young, but he does sound quite mature so if the mother feels the time for drug education is now, who are we to judge?

Hmmm well I don't see why should I try to be more "liberal" or that that would help the situation when he is getting a very free and easy attitude from his M. I have had my experiences with drugs (so I am not coming from the just say no brigade) and that's that I think that communicating this to a 14 yr old would be inappropriate and worse maybe even make them want to try things.
I think a 14 yr old boy telling us at the dinner table that he drinks and smokes weed now is v v sad actually as I watched him grow up from a bright, beautiful, studious child to what he is now which is v different (yes I know a part of it is teenage years but I can't help but feel really quite sad about it) it is out of concern for SS that I feel DH should say something NOT because I want to get at or judge M which has been implied a bit here...
We normally say "well you should be v careful as it may rob you of your motivation etc etc, and Ex can be v dangerous" but it is hard when form the other side it is seen as not a problem.

You are right to be concerned. Since the UK govt reclassified cannabis, there have been several well conducted trials showing that cannabis causes increased risk of schizophrenia. Young males are particularly at risk. The govt are now reconsidering their position.

Ecstasy destroys serotonin nerves in the brain and is associated with clinical depression.

Yes Strawberry this is what I am inclined to think and I would be really upset if it became any more of a habit that it is now for him. I think I will ask DH to have a word with him about things...maybe leave M out of it.

well in all things I believe that the view you should pass on is the one that you believe so if you think drugs are bad then don't hesitate to pass that view on

there is some very good advice on this thread, esp from franny and bassmama. It's true that there are dangers with cannabis and ecstasy, but it's also true that there are dangers with alcohol, cafeine, fags etc. doing some and preaching about others does smack of hypocracy.

But anyway most of all I think it is vitally important that we learn from mp's experiences with applique.

LaBoheme - does your SS know that you are horrified? What a delicious bit of power to have over a stepmother!

How would it be if you were to adopt an approach of real, heartfelt concern for his wellbeing and an assurance that you are more than happy to talk with him about anything that may be bothering him. It could well be that his mum's permissiveness actually does bother him!!

Sorry - I reread that and it doesn't sound the way I meant it to. I just think if teenagers think you're outraged they rather like it but if they really feel you're genuinely worried about them they might be more likely to listen, even if they pretend not to.

my son did experiment with cannabis - and in my darkest hours on mumsnet the response was " well its better than him being shitfaced"

and that was not very helpful TBH.

i am the undestanding mother, i am the lines of communication completely open.....theres totally nothing wrong with talking about periods in from of your dad in the middle of costa coffee.... kinda mum i am.

but i try to be a well informed one.

she doesnt sound well informed. becuase of course Extacy is not safe and is cut using many diff chemicles.

and if your family has a history of mental illness such as depression - then smoking cannabis is unwise.

i think your job as a good step mum is toget her the information from different agencies and help her to make a better infomred choice.

in your shoes i would give her all the information tell her she can always talk to you - but that drugs are most certainly not FINE in your house.

law is laid down stamp foot cross arms and put on that "try me if you fucking dare" look

i know that at his age, parents saying you will not do X, is almost guaranteed to make you want to do it. the more forbidden something is, the more you want to rebel against your parents by doing it.

so i can see how making something less attractive by not condemning or forbidding it, therefore removing the incentive to do it because it is an act of rebellion, might be a motivation.

i am also in favour of giving information - not scare tactics - about drunks and alcohol.

could this all be what she is trying to do? or is she actually encouraging him, which i would find totally a totally bizarre thing for a mother to do.

that's drugs and alcohol, obviously