My DP is Scottish but moved to London several years ago in order to take a lucrative job which is the point at which we met and subsequently had DS who is now 11.
DP and I have been together for 14 years. Throughout our son’s life I have basically been the sole emotional carer. At first DP said that “he didn’t know how to relate to babies” and that he would be better when DS turned 4 or so and could communicate properly. Then he said he would do it at 9….then 10. You get the picture. As a result I am the only parent DS will come to for advice and emotional comfort.
After around seven years of resistance, DP finally agreed to allow my son to have an assessment for autism last year. We subsequently had an ADOS in June, the results of which showed very conclusively that DS has moderate/severe autism coupled with an incredibly high IQ. His needs are thought to be complex enough to warrant an EHC which is now in the application process.
For the past four years or so DP has been saying that he despises England and wants to go back to Scotland. His principle argument is that DS needs to be resident in Scotland for 3 years so that he can take advantage of a free university education, as well as escape the “hell” that is London.
Initially, I was more than happy with this idea, but over the past three years or so our relationship has taken a decided turn for the worst. As well as zero participation in ours son’s life or education, DP is extremely controlling. He constantly belittles me in front of my son, calling me “dumb” and “useless”, and refuses to include me in any of our joint financial decisions. I am the first to admit that he is the main and sometimes only breadwinner of the family (I am a freelancer) but I have contributed high five figures to the flat we share as well as a large chunk of the bills. In addition, I do 100% of the housework. Despite this, DP remains staunchly patriarchal, believing his larger financial contribution trumps what I put into the house and family and refusing to acknowledge that what I do every day is actually “work”.
A couple of weeks ago I suggested we have a talk about the pros and cons of going to Scotland and he went ballistic, saying that I had lied to him about wanting to go and that he only worked to give me and DS a “lovely life”. He then spat at me and walked out. He has since said that it was my fault for making him angry.
I am now in a position where I more or less accept the relationship is over and that we will have to sell up and split the proceeds in order to move on. Unfortunately, my DP has said he will pull out “the nasty cards” to ensure that I do not get custody of DS. Principally, this is to do with the fact that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder for which I have been hospitalised twice (voluntarily) in the past fourteen years. The last time was around five years ago and I have been stable and well since. I have spoken to my doctors about this latest ploy of DP’s and they basically laughed and said he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. They have assured me that the flat is always immaculate and DS extremely settled and well cared for. I have never drunk or taken drugs.
Now that things have turned so sour between us, however, I can feel myself becoming unwell again and have consequently upped my support visits with my doctors who are incredible. In addition I have a very good, close network of friends who I see often (and who I would be lost without). DP keeps saying I am being incredibly selfish and that I am ruining my son’s life by refusing to go to Scotland. To compound things DP intends to live in the remotest part of the Highlands which always troubled me since it would be so very far away from what I am used to.
I guess I am looking for support to move on or other opinions as to whether I am being selfish and just can’t see it. I will probably never have the financial means to give our DS the life he has had with two parents. My older sister, who was my absolute rock, was always there for me in times like this but I lost her last year very suddenly to an aggressive cancer. I lost my father to suicide 20 years ago and my mum 9 years ago so don’t really have that very close family around anymore.
Above all, I love my DS desperately, and want to do what’s best for him.