To think this relationship is over?

[WagonWheel]

My DP is Scottish but moved to London several years ago in order to take a lucrative job which is the point at which we met and subsequently had DS who is now 11.

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Throughout our son’s life I have basically been the sole emotional carer. At first DP said that “he didn’t know how to relate to babies” and that he would be better when DS turned 4 or so and could communicate properly. Then he said he would do it at 9….then 10. You get the picture. As a result I am the only parent DS will come to for advice and emotional comfort.

After around seven years of resistance, DP finally agreed to allow my son to have an assessment for autism last year. We subsequently had an ADOS in June, the results of which showed very conclusively that DS has moderate/severe autism coupled with an incredibly high IQ. His needs are thought to be complex enough to warrant an EHC which is now in the application process.

For the past four years or so DP has been saying that he despises England and wants to go back to Scotland. His principle argument is that DS needs to be resident in Scotland for 3 years so that he can take advantage of a free university education, as well as escape the “hell” that is London.

Initially, I was more than happy with this idea, but over the past three years or so our relationship has taken a decided turn for the worst. As well as zero participation in ours son’s life or education, DP is extremely controlling. He constantly belittles me in front of my son, calling me “dumb” and “useless”, and refuses to include me in any of our joint financial decisions. I am the first to admit that he is the main and sometimes only breadwinner of the family (I am a freelancer) but I have contributed high five figures to the flat we share as well as a large chunk of the bills. In addition, I do 100% of the housework. Despite this, DP remains staunchly patriarchal, believing his larger financial contribution trumps what I put into the house and family and refusing to acknowledge that what I do every day is actually “work”.

A couple of weeks ago I suggested we have a talk about the pros and cons of going to Scotland and he went ballistic, saying that I had lied to him about wanting to go and that he only worked to give me and DS a “lovely life”. He then spat at me and walked out. He has since said that it was my fault for making him angry.

I am now in a position where I more or less accept the relationship is over and that we will have to sell up and split the proceeds in order to move on. Unfortunately, my DP has said he will pull out “the nasty cards” to ensure that I do not get custody of DS. Principally, this is to do with the fact that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder for which I have been hospitalised twice (voluntarily) in the past fourteen years. The last time was around five years ago and I have been stable and well since. I have spoken to my doctors about this latest ploy of DP’s and they basically laughed and said he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. They have assured me that the flat is always immaculate and DS extremely settled and well cared for. I have never drunk or taken drugs.

Now that things have turned so sour between us, however, I can feel myself becoming unwell again and have consequently upped my support visits with my doctors who are incredible. In addition I have a very good, close network of friends who I see often (and who I would be lost without). DP keeps saying I am being incredibly selfish and that I am ruining my son’s life by refusing to go to Scotland. To compound things DP intends to live in the remotest part of the Highlands which always troubled me since it would be so very far away from what I am used to.

I guess I am looking for support to move on or other opinions as to whether I am being selfish and just can’t see it. I will probably never have the financial means to give our DS the life he has had with two parents. My older sister, who was my absolute rock, was always there for me in times like this but I lost her last year very suddenly to an aggressive cancer. I lost my father to suicide 20 years ago and my mum 9 years ago so don’t really have that very close family around anymore.

Above all, I love my DS desperately, and want to do what’s best for him.

Thank you all, again. celticmissy I have been keeping a diary since the spitting episode. It was mainly to prove to myself that it wasn't all in my head and that he was being unreasonable towards me. I am well engaged with MH services here and have always been compliant with their support/my medication. When DS left primary in the summer, at least two of his teachers came up to me in tears and said that I was the best mum they had ever met in all their years of teaching.

TBH I don't have many finances left, sadly, as it all went into the house, but of course on its sale I will be entitled to my share of it.Not enough to buy again in London on my own, but to rent somewhere with DS. We will manage.

Reading all your amazing messages I am sitting here in tears. Not sad ones; the ones where you feel someone is finally hearing you. It was the same when DS was diagnosed in June. DP kept telling me it was all in my head and there was nothing remotely different about him. I felt vindicated then, and I do now. Bless you all x

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. From experience I can tell you that your son will be much happier once he doesn't live with such a mean, controlling man even if that involves having significantly less 'stuff'.
My mum left my violent alcoholic dad when I was 4. All I remember of them living together is horrible arguments and an awful atmosphere. We lived in a small terraced house and scraped by whilst my dad went on to have a new family with a lavish lifestyle. I wouldnt have swapped it for the world and I'm so proud of my mum for leaving when she did

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. He sounds like a dreadful man, and I can't help wondering what your mental health would be like if you hadn't had somebody grinding you down every day over the last 14 years, belittling you, spitting at you and treating you like a skivvy.

He has no chance of taking your son away from you, and far less if he intends whisking him away from a city with huge supports available and off to the middle of nowhere, especially as he has already demonstrated that the doesn't even believe that your son might have any special needs in the first place.

Never believe that any of this is your fault - what an utter dick he is for saying it's your fault he spat at you. Will it be your fault too when he hits you next time?

Have you got any money stashed away right now, or can you withdraw an appropriate amount of money from your joint or savings accounts? If you were in a position to "press the button" and break up, can you smoothly increase your workload to a self-sufficient level, and move into a new flat and get away from him?

If he is so bloody successful a breadwinner, if at all possible I would try to withdraw enough money for 6 months rent and bills asap (without mentioning it to him first of course!) because a letting agent might look askance at your freelance income (unless you've had a good run of it lately). I'm a freelancer too, and the main breadwinner, and to rent our flat in London without payslips I had to provide lots of evidence that I could afford it. If you can pay six months rent up front that would really help.

sorry I can't get past the spitting, that on its own for me would be a deal breaker

OP it sounds like you're doing brilliantly, I hope it all works out for you

Thanks, astounded (what an ace name!). I have enough stashed away in a savings account for 6 months rent and bills, just about. We are in quite an expensive part of London atm, too, so I am currently looking for a cheaper area that wouldn't be too disruptive to services for me and DS. If all else fails I have a really good friend who is currently living in Cornwall and renting her London flat out which is a stone's throw from me. She is happy to give it to us at a reduced rent so that may be an option. Yes, freelancing can be quite limiting in the eyes of lettings agents!!

Leave and don't look back.
No one including a court can force you to move to Scotland. London is DS home. Ignore his threats to turn nasty. Your doctor will provide evidence that you are a great parent. He is just angry that he is losing control.

I'll lay bets that within 6 months he has relocated to Scotland and you rarely see him.

He is a git, OP don't doubt it. But your DS is of an age where the courts would take his feelings into account, and he has noticed his father is mean too. Your DS will want to stay with you as you look after him, his father does nothing. I would not worry, you partner will not get custody. You are doing a great job, now you just need to dump the git and carry on with that great job on your own.

What advice would you offer a friend in a similar predicament - I'm guessing you'd tell them that they are in the midst of a emotional/financially controlling relationship?

I'd suggest legal advice, however, you've put DP in your posts which means he's played a blinder in dictating your potential rights had you been a spouse! (It's easier to control someone financially/emotionally as a partner) if you are both on the mortgage then get some legal advice forthwith.

What you do have is good support network of friends, a GP on side and a good understanding of your own MH/triggers (he is a trigger)...

He will up his game now he knows you are pulling away - he'll make your life a living hell - just because he can.

The sooner you and your son leave the better. I wish I had more practical advice for you

Oh op,

please listen to the great advice here, you and your Ds will be so much better off without this nasty abusive man, stay close to your friends, support network, sons school etc.

Better to have less money and peace. He does not have a leg to stand on re custody, but get advice now and like others have said get prepared for all eventualities whilst keeping him as sweet as possible to make life easier.

Plan your escape quietly, get friends to be there with you, be prepared for him to get nasty so it won't be a shock and hold onto the fact that you will be free and giving your DS a much nicer life.

Good Luck op

Consisten y staying with what he knows will probably be best for your son. It sounds as though you and he will be better placed if p does move away. Get things organised; he wont get what he wants (which would be hugely disruptive). Cross your arms. Take deep breaths and get that friendship network ready to buoy you up. Good luck

Family solicitor here. I can't help but feel that he sees that there will ultimately be a split and is hell bent on getting you to Scotland because that jurisdiction will be favourable to him financially.

In England/Wales, it is Schedule 1 of the Children Act which applies. it gives you a claim to capital to house your son (and therefore you) during his minority. This is on top of whatever assets you already have (depending on the overall money available you may be entitled to ringfence your own assets rather than put them towards housing, but this tends to be the mega-millions cases). If he earns in excess of the CMS maximum (£3k gross per week) you also have a claim to a maintenance top up which can include an element for your own expenses if you are unable to work or have a limited earning capacity (autism relevant here). The maintenance can be extended beyond childhood if DS is seriously autistic and unable to be independent long term.

Usually, maintenance and housing fund end on the children reaching adulthood, when housing fund is returned to father.

I don't know the law in Scotland - could it be that you are entitled to nothing up there and so the "move" is just an attempt to screw you?
The further out of London you go, the less solicitors you will find who are experienced in Schedule 1, but as you are in London you shouldn't have an issue with finding proper legal advice.

Regarding DS's residence - at age 11 DS's views will be given great weight. Presumably he will say he wants to remain with you and not with DP. Also your respective abilities to manage his special needs. If your bipolar is managed and you are relying suitably on your support network (medical and social) then I don't think that it will harm your case at all.

OP, should you get serious about the split (and I think and hope you will), your DH will be hell-bent to put you under lots of pressure and manipulate you and the others around you against you.
Be strong. Please remember you have a community around you in life - real life and the virtual one who are standing behind you and will support you.
Best of luck to you and your DS.

shalli thanks for the really helpful info, and for everyone else that has contributed. I am arranging to see a solicitor next week with a view to getting my side of things in order. I hope I can update from the other side with some good news. Love to you all x

That's great to hear wagon.

Stay strong and keep your eye on the life you'll have once your finally free from him.

I was shocked at his refusal to engage with his own child and then putting it off and off. He sounds such a cold fish - then he spat at you and threatened you. OP you have to leave this man.

I know you have no close family but what about Friends? Can they help you? You have done so brilliantly with your son, you will get through this and will butterfly out the other end.

With your sale of the house, look into a cheaper part of London or just outside perhaps. Rent can be gobbled up so quickly, and owing a modest house or flat will be security for you and your son.

He's a arsehole. Tell him to move to Scotland and you stay behind. He's no loss.