My mother turned up to visit my newborn in hospital high on drugs

[lawnofdelray]

My mother had significant mental health problems and has recently taken the decision to come off her long acting mental health medicine against medical and faniku advice due to weight gain.

When she is well she is wonderful. When she is ill she is manic, aggressive, abusive and violent. For several years she had a speed problem and seemed to have conquered it but I have suspected relapse for several weeks now.

I've just had my first baby after a week long hospital stay, three day labour and an emergency c section.
My mother turned up on the train unannounced with balloons, cards, gifts the works... but very clearly high on speed.
All the tell tale signs were there including being aggressive when challenged. I asked her to leave her she refused and threatened to hit me, to which I told her I would call the police.
She then told my DH that she wasn't high and new mothers are always a mess with hormones.
She said she came all this way to stay for a few weeks to get my house 'in order' again, I told her I won't have drug use around my child and to leave. She refused. I asked DH to call security and she became very aggressive. I left the room and told the midwives the situation. DH took her to the station to go gone.

I'm devastated. Disappointed. Heartbroken. I feel so hurt and let down but not surprised. She kept saying how she had spent £50 on the train and more on gifts and I know it's alot of money for her but I just can't have her around my newborn.
I feel so so so sad. So guilty. Please can someone talk to me.

Oh lovey, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with that.
The first few weeks with a new baby are hard enough without that.
Take it really easy and try really hard not to blame yourself. Focus on you and your baby, nothing else is important right at this time.
Your mum is an adult capable of making her own decisions, she made those choices, not you!

You need to stop thinking like this. You've done everything you've can, and you've got your own child to think about now. Don't let her screw up your child's life the way she has obviously screwed up yours. She's an adult who is making her own fucked up decisions. You need to stop parenting her and concentrate on parenting your own baby.

Oh my lovely, tough times

Firstly, congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Enjoy those newborn cuddles and try and focus on recovering from your c-section.

Secondly - and I am sure this is not the first time you've heard this - but remember the three Cs: You didn't cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. It is not your fault or your responsibility to try and manage this.

I know that you are feeling guilt and sadness and responsibility, but your Mum is a grown woman. She has to accept responsibility for her medical condition. She alone is responsible for deciding to ignore medical advice, stop taking her medication and use illegal drugs instead. You have done exactly the right thing and protected your DD. If you make allowances for your Mum then all you are doing is normalising what she is doing and enabling the behaviour.

If you haven't done so already then have a look at Adfam - which is a support network for the children and families of addicts. Link here

You did the right thing, I know its horrible, dp has very similar problems with his dm. In the end we just had to go NC, you can't help an addict unless they want to change.

Have you got any siblings that can keep an eye on her to make you feel better?

Congratulations on the baby

She threatened a new mother who has just had a major operation with violence. Of course you don't need to refund her train fare.

Firtstly congratulation on the birth of your child...

Secondly...You are not doing her any favours helping her to the extent you are... You now have a child who you have to make all their life decisions for until they are old enough.. Your mother is an audlt who has responsibility for herself. She should of sorted herself out to support you not the other way round.

You sound like your relationship with her is you are the parent she is the child..You need to step back and focus on your new bundle of joy..Get some rest when you can. And do not sent her a pennt..You didn't ask her to visit high as a kite and she certainly will spend the money on drugs.

First off stop feeling guilty for making the best decision you could in that situation, it isn't your fault your mother decided to turn up unannounced & on drugs, not you she has to take responsibility for her own actions, all your responsible for is keeping your baby in a good/safe environment even if that meant asking your mam to leave,
You will never fix her aslong as she dosnt see a problem with it or dosnt want to change, maybe giving her that reality check will help give her a push in right direction, I also agree with all the other posters & think best thing you & partner can do is consatrate on baby & enjoy this special time with her, give it afew days and contact her, & offer her to come visit baby & you again on a arranged date for afew hours but make it clear she won't be seeing baby if she's high on anything & tell her its her choice, as for transferring £50 no she made choice to turn up announced & as pp said she only use it on crap, as for long term you can only support her that's it encourage her to go back to doctors & back on her meds & be clear she cannot be apart of child's life when she is like this & certainly cannot stay in your home, another suggestion is to have a one to one chat about how you want her in your child's life but not like this & how her support is so important to you with new baby maybe making her feel you need her & need her clean for baby might help push her to sort herself out too, now as I said don't stress over this ATM just enjoy your new baby for a little while after all you spent long enough waiting to meet each other xx

stop stop stop! that what you need to say every time a though or feeling of guilt comes.say hello to it and then say why are you here I have nothing to feel bad about.because you don't hun honestly you don't.
your a good person.that is why your feeling this way.
you don't get better from a mental health disorder on the best support alone.you can be the best mum,daughter.the wises greatest support and still the sufferer will be suffering and it can be so ffustrating as to why! why cant they be better when you are wishing your all giving your all for them to be.they can have all the love in the world and its not going to mean they get better.
when they do...oh your love will be the binder that means they keep and do get well.but it wont do is be the factor if shes not there yet.but that is not on your shoulders to feel guilt over.
becsue what it does do in the interim is help her know shes is safe and loved and is supported when she needs it.but there are lines ie drugs that you cannot cross for your familys own survival.
but I can gaurentee with the care even I can eel from you now it will be the game changer in her rocvery and the reason to push her through it will be because she knows deep down she is loved.
you've shown her all that.
what she has done might be explained through illness but that doesn't make it excusable in this situation of threatenin you or being like this.
and for her to hae to go here again after being back on track must be hurting her and scary for her too.and you to see it ocuring again.im sorry.
is there anyone talking to her.healhtcare wise.is there an option to try a different meds?
do you get the feeling she wants help.or is she back in that part of the illness/addiction that she thinks there sint a problem.
this isn't anyones fault really.its the bloody meds if anything.dam them side effects!
its very difficult if she has the illness type where she wot no she wants or needs help until the meds work.cuz she first needs to get back on them.
you sound so quiet and lsot because of this.when really maybe you need to step your mind away from this.you feel it but you have better things to feel now too hun!your baby.your family.wow!amazing.so smile and take all that comfort into your very bones.deep into your heart and let them heal ur hurt.
you need to surround yourself with love right now.dont question the why or what ifs too much right now.youll be tired enough and ur brain cant function on exhaustion both emotinaly and physically.
what can you do today.take lots of firs ttime piccies.teach the new one ur favourite lulabys and stories by just sitting quietly with them.having a meal with the hub.take time for you.get your love batteries re charged.xx

plus remember the woman she is without the illness.mental illness causes a compelte separate self.it isn't her.shes is very poorly.remmeber your well mum that you said is wonderful.
would it make you feel better to send a quick text or email? just saying how you love and always will support her but cannot put the safety and wellness of you or your child at risk at the moment and will not let the illness beat you on that.that you are still always there and thinking of her.

If you transfer £50 and she is feeling a bit down she may just spend it on more drugs. Its very sad and I have been in a similar situation and feeling guilty but sometimes enough is enough. Congratulations on your new baby xx

This thread has brought all the feelings surrounding my mother right back. With mine it wasn't drugs it was drink. The number of times she'd be drinking / drunk around my kids and I told her off about it or refused to spend time with her or expose my kids to it I lost count of.

Like you I used to feel so incredibly guilty, that I was letting her down, not being supportive etc. That I was making the situation worse, that I wasn't the loving daughter and maybe that's why she was the way she was??
I tried and tried to fix her time and time again but it didnt work and she died from sepsis and end stage alcoholism in the end.

All I can say is you are doing the right thing, you must protect your children from this. I know it hurts, its something ive never really got over and I beat myself up that maybe I didnt do enough from my mother even now. Sending you kind thoughts xx

Congratulations on your baby! And well done for setting difficult but necessary boundaries to keep her safe. You have your priorities straight.

OP, Congratulations. You sound like a fantastic mother already x

Dont feel guilty that your mum spent money travelling to see you and her grandchild. Remember that she also chose to spend money on drugs, if she can afford to go get high she can afford a train fare, it shows her priorities. She also chose to make a scene. She made your childbirth all about her.

Like a child of an alcoholic you need to learn and think about the 3 Cs
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it

Definitely don't give her the train fare back. She chose to come off her face. She chose to threaten you with violence. Can you let her mental health team know about this incident?

And you are quite right saying you cant have her around your newborn.
Its hard but its her choice, you protected your baby, well done.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Sorry it's been tainted by your mother's selfish behaviour. It's not your fault and you can't fix her. Sadly.

You have your own shit to deal with now so forget her for now and focus on your lovely new family. Don't get sucked into her chaos.

You owe her nothing, least of all fifty quid.

I understand, oh my do I understand.

The guilt is horrific. My mum was an alcoholic. Their reason for living is to make you feel guilty. Nothing you ever do will be enough.

Everyone on here will say that though, but its so hard getting it into your brain.

Empathy from me. I'll say it again. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You truly are doing the right thing.

Could you ask yourself what you would want your daughter to do if you turned up to the Hospital to see her new baby and you were high?

Congrats on the baby xxx

You sound like the most wonderful daughter and a strong and wonderful mum. You've had the strength to do the right thing. It's not going to be easy dealing with your mum so perhaps you could look into therapy to help, maybe via Skype if it's difficult to get out with a newborn. You need to be comfortable with saying no to her, and your Husbands patience may wane with the situation.
Congratulations on your baby and well done for having your head screwed on right, despite your mother.

Oh, Lawn - what your DM does and doesn't do is beyond your realm of control. You can't fix her and by trying you'll simply damage yourself.

If it were me? I'd thank her for the generous gift - tell her, your door will always be open when she isn't under the influence - then stick her on temporary pause. Don't get drawn into any dialogue. I know that will be so difficult/hard.

You have to keep yourself emotionally safe. You can't keep yourself buoyant if she's pulling you down.

Congratulations btw

As your child grows older you will realise that you can't actually make their life happy and successful either: they have to do that. All you can do is provide them with tools. Every life has to be lived by the person whose life is it: we can't live somebody else's life by proxy, however much we may suspect that we'd be better at it

^This a hundred times over.

It's easier said than done but try not to feel guilty about the actions of other people especially when drugs are involved because you simply can't compete or win when it comes to someone else's drug use

Hi everyone.
Thank you for all of your lovely messages.
They helped me get through a bleak night.
We are going home today after discharge! We've been here 16 days and it's going to be so good to get home.

About transferring the £50- I spoke to DH and he said if it really helped me feel better he would make sure we can do it but he suggested getting my nails done instead to 'acknowledge what I've been through' and to try to be kind to myself right now.

I just feel like it's a lot of money to spend on myself.

Again thank you all. If you have any similar stories or experiences to share I would appreciate them.

If you think £50 Is too much money to spend in yourself then surely it is far too much to risk your Mum spending on speed??

I personally think that you should get yourself a good manicure with Shellac polish (no nail extensions though) as I remember needing to wash my hands more than ever before once my son was born.

Congratulations on your baby

Congratulations on the birth of your little one.

My mum was like this throughout my childhood and still is occasionally. Is this her first grandchild? My mum has managed to reduce her drink and drug use as she knows she isn't welcome around my kids when off her face.

I hope things improve for you. please don't give her any more money. Keep it for your baby who will need protecting from your mums behaviour.

Also, I hope I don't cause you any offense by saying this but, being a mum is hard, doubly so when you've not had that great a mum yourself. Look after yourself love, don't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. Do you have any female support in your life? My dh is wonderful but I found I really relied on my nan, and a friends mum for that mum-type support in the early days.

Thanks again everyone.
This is baby Noa.