Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To ask how you parent whilst living with mental illness?

52 replies

CarlHickbread · 19/09/2017 09:42

I'm posting here for traffic so please be gentle on me.

I have two DCs (2.5 and 14 months) and have a history of mental illness (severe depression, PTSD, anxiety, PND) this has been ongoing for 15+ years. I felt this had all been put behind me about 5/6 years ago but since having my DCs, my mental health has taken a real turn for the worse.

DP is good with the kids when he isn't at work and helps out with them but cannot deal with my mental health issues, he gets angry and says he "can't deal with this shit" so I'm bottling things up and hiding it from him until something pushes me too far and I break down. This happened last night and I don't know where I go from here. I have no support from family and no friends nearby. If it wasn't for the kids, I would just disappear.

How do others in similar situations manage to parent? I just feel like I'm going through the motions and my children deserve better.

OP posts:

MMcanny · 19/09/2017 09:48

Don't you have a crisis team you can speak with? Do you still see the services or were you signed off 6 years ago? If so a trip to the gp might be in order to get referred. You really need more support, doesn't sound like dh is helping. Don't be afraid if ss have a look in. They're only there to help. I find taking my meds helps enormously. Good luck.

Original poster

CarlHickbread · 19/09/2017 09:53

I was signed off 6 years ago so would need to be referred again. Can my GP refer me from a telephone appointment or would he need to see me in person? I don't want to take the kids with me as I often get very distressed when talking about things to the Dr and don't think they should see that.

Would my HV be able to help?

Would I need to referred to SS for their help or can I give them a call?

I honestly never thought I would be back here

OP posts:

NicolasFlamel · 19/09/2017 09:55

For me it was getting the medication right. The mental health team were helpful to an extent but I came to accept my BPD required medication and probably always will. Now I have the odd bad day but it's not as debilitating as it used to be. I have to get tough on myself too. My mum has always struggled with her mental health and never got help, it seriously affected me as a child and I don't want that for my children so I use it as a motivation to push through the really shit days.

What support do you have? Mental health team, medication, counselling etc?

NicolasFlamel · 19/09/2017 09:58

Your HV will definitely be able to help as your children are young. They can come to visit you to see how you're doing, point you to support groups if there are any locally or refer you to things like Home Start for support at home.
Do go back to your GP, they'll be able to discuss medication and/or getting you back with the mental health team.
Don't worry about feeling you've taken a step backwards. Its the nature of mental health problems and you're only human but please don't be afraid and access all the help you can.

UbiquityTree · 19/09/2017 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1483808257 · 19/09/2017 10:06

Hello.

I think the key thing to remember is that you have gotten through it before and that means you can, and will, be able to again. The positive is that you can see it and are ready to take steps to make things better.

Your children certainly don't deserve better, I can tell that as you are even worried about them seeing you upset. That to me shows how loved and cared for they are.

You can definately ask for a phone appointment to get the ball rolling.

Try and stay positive, look for the light at the end of the tunnel. You've got this

opheliacat · 19/09/2017 10:08

I think some people have a bit of a wide eyed view of what SS do. They aren't a cuddly organisation to provide help and support for struggling parents, they will offer "support", yes, but this is as a precursor to possible removal of the children and in an attempt to prevent this rather than to hold the hand of the parent. Their presence is often intrusive and distressing in the extreme, and avoiding their involvement rather than inviting it in is ultimately far more sensible. The other problem is that you will remain on their caseloads for years, decades, afterwards and this can have implications and inconveniences that impact on your personal life.

Original poster

CarlHickbread · 19/09/2017 10:09

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm waiting on a call back from the Dr now.

OP posts:

user1483808257 · 19/09/2017 10:11

...oh and I'd say the best way to cope is to cut yourself some slack. Accept some days will be worse than others and give yourself a break - I am sure you're doing an amazing job...in spite of feeling crappy xxx

UbiquityTree · 19/09/2017 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

opheliacat · 19/09/2017 10:26

I'm not saying they are child snatchers and in fact I explicitly say in my post that they offer support to try and keep families together.

However, they aren't there just to provide a hand hold. They are there when there is serious risk of harm, which naturally has to open the possibility of children being removed - even if everyone is doing everything in their power to prevent this and it never happens, that doesn't mean that it hasn't been a possibility.

SS do get cases which are investigated and closed with no further action. The problem is that the family is still in their system then, and perfectly routine things such as an A and E visit or referral to CAHMs mean a report is instigated.

If the OP thinks her children are at risk then it might be appropriate to involve SS but nothing she has said indicates this is the case so HV is a better port of call.

Blondebombsite83 · 19/09/2017 10:33

You need MAT (multi agency team) support rather than ss. Your sure start/nursery may be able to give you contact details or your gp may be able to help. They might put you in touch with camhs as well (who deal with child mental health if you think they are at risk of being affected).
MAT cover everything when parents need help and are there to support and offer assistance rather than minimise risk like ss do.

Original poster

CarlHickbread · 19/09/2017 10:36

I have spoken to my GP who wants to see me in person tomorrow, which means taking DCs too which isn't ideal.

She is also contacting the crisis team today to see if they can get to me before tomorrow.

Thank you again for all your replies

OP posts:

lookingbeyond40 · 19/09/2017 10:42

Brilliant OP - glad you made the first step. This in itself should make you feel a little more positive than things are moving forward.

I have struggled with mental health issues for years. About two months ago, I woke up and it felt like a nuclear bomb had gone off in my head. I couldn't get up, couldn't look after the kids, I actually couldn't speak. A good day was not thinking about walking in front of a bus. Id never experienced anything like it. Thankfully, to cut a long story short, my medication was reviewed and I was taper off my old on and slowly introduced a different drug.

Its been so much better. I'm more able to cope with the children, do tasks around the house, feeling more positive. I needed something to lift the fog so I could just get back to doing day to day things. Have a chat with your GP to see what your options are.

I was on citalopram for years and in the end just wasn't keeping the depression away - I have now moved to venlafaxine which seems to be helping.

Good luck OP xx

rightsofwomen · 19/09/2017 10:43

OP maybe write things down to give to the GP, also stating that it's obviously hard for you to talk openly in front of the DC. Maybe there is a member of staff who could mind the children just for a little while.

Original poster

CarlHickbread · 19/09/2017 10:53

I'm definitely going to write things down, I get so flustered in some situations and the words just don't come out.

I'll do it once the kids go to bed tonight and I can have a bit of time to myself.

Can't even bring myself to get any of us dressed this morning

OP posts:

lookingforthecorkscrew · 19/09/2017 11:12

Currently awaiting assessment for NHS psychological services for severe anxiety over here. Can't really explain how I cope, I just get through the day ATM. Little things like baths, or episodes of my fav tv show help a lot. But the main thing is not to let yourself feel guilty for doing 'less' - getting by is enough.

Original poster

CarlHickbread · 19/09/2017 11:23

I can't even get myself off the sofa this morning.

I don't know how I'm going to find the energy to get myself and the kids up and out to the drs tomorrow. No point asking DP to take time off work to help out as it will be a no.

OP posts:

lookingforthecorkscrew · 19/09/2017 11:27

Now and tomorrow are two different days. You can do this.

user1483808257 · 19/09/2017 11:55

It's the hardest thing, I know, I have been there myself - but getting off the sofa is the way forward. Something small; get everyone up and dressed and go for a short walk.

Achieving something is a positive and often the thought of these things is much, much worse. I find that even doing small things give me a sense of satisfaction and help me realise I am capable.

Then tomorrow's task will seem less daunting. Just think this time tomorrow (thereabouts) it'll be done and you will have the first steps in place to feeling better xxx

Mittens1969 · 19/09/2017 12:01

Hi, OP. I'm in the same boat as you, PTSD from childhood SA and depression. Your DP sounds awful, he shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself, it's NOT YOUR FAULT. As. PP has said, if you had a physical illness or broken leg he wouldn't be saying that.

For me, going to the GP and increasing my medication has really helped. You mustn't be afraid to ask for support. I was really afraid of ending up with SS on my back as my 2 DDs are adopted. The irony was I ended up there anyway as I began drinking too much. That's passed now and I'm no longer doing that.

You must do whatever you need to do to get through this. You'll probably be shattered as well, with DCs the ages they're at, mine are school age and that helps. (Although it's harder in some ways as I don't have to keep it all together the whole time for their sakes.)

Please be kind to yourself. Hope you're getting support from friends and family?

Original poster

CarlHickbread · 19/09/2017 12:17

The crisis team are coming out to me this afternoon and are going to see what help I need.

I've told DP that this is his chance to walk away if he can't put up with this "shit" I've gone through this on my own before so can do it again.

My family are the biggest cause behind all this so I keep them at arms length when it comes to my mental health.

I've turned into a bit of a recluse since having the kids. My best friend lives a couple of hours away but will speak to her as she is fab.

OP posts:

UbiquityTree · 19/09/2017 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mittens1969 · 19/09/2017 12:50

I know what you mean about family, mine add to my MH problems too. But I'm close to my DSis thankfully. And I'm a bit of a recluse, too, though I'm on friendly terms with mums of my DDs' friends.

I'm glad you have the support of your best friend, that's really great. And as you've said, you can get through this again.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 19/09/2017 12:51

Your DP sounds more of a hindrance than a help. Living with someone who has a mental illness is bloody hard, but I think if you can't handle it (and not everyone can) it's kinder to leave than to make them feel like a burden.

I say this as someone who's struggled with depression and anxiety in the past. I wasn't nice to live with and I know it contributed to the breakdown of several of my relationships. Living with it is harder, but supporting someone through it is hard too, and not something everyone is cut out for.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread