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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you parent whilst living with mental illness?

52 replies

CarlHickbread · 19/09/2017 09:42

I'm posting here for traffic so please be gentle on me.

I have two DCs (2.5 and 14 months) and have a history of mental illness (severe depression, PTSD, anxiety, PND) this has been ongoing for 15+ years. I felt this had all been put behind me about 5/6 years ago but since having my DCs, my mental health has taken a real turn for the worse.

DP is good with the kids when he isn't at work and helps out with them but cannot deal with my mental health issues, he gets angry and says he "can't deal with this shit" so I'm bottling things up and hiding it from him until something pushes me too far and I break down. This happened last night and I don't know where I go from here. I have no support from family and no friends nearby. If it wasn't for the kids, I would just disappear.

How do others in similar situations manage to parent? I just feel like I'm going through the motions and my children deserve better.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 19/09/2017 12:58

Sometimes it's not something they sign up for and then it is hard for them to adapt When I got together with my DH, I was coping well and my PTSD was dormant. (I didn't even know that was what it was tbh.)

Despite this, DH is very supportive, though he forgets that things can be difficult for me, and needs things spelt out to him. Because MH problems are invisible.

hophop333 · 19/09/2017 22:54

OP I feel for you and totally understand how you're feeling. I have suffered the same, and been through all the emotions and feelings of guilt that I am coping terribly for my DC and worry about the impact it will have on them. It's especially hard when you feel like staying in bed all day :(.

My DH also makes awful comments to me like 'you're a psycho' etc if I'm having a horrible episode...however despite this in the main he is supportive. I found it helped to talk to the Dr in front of my DH because then he seemed to grasp a better understanding of what was going on. Can you take him along to your appointment?

Do you like to exercise? That is my therapy and my 'me time' and it makes me feel so much better.

Please speak to someone and try find some alone time for yourself to have some head space. Remember you are worth it and despite what you might think, your DC need you and you are the best Mum for them.

Graphista · 19/09/2017 23:24

It's tough. I was diagnosed 11 years ago but in hindsight and health professionals agree and it's known to be partly genetic.

My dd was 5 when I was diagnosed and I was a Lp with no support network.

It's taken time and several people telling me things repeatedly, and getting over my internalised stigma, to know I have to take care of myself in all aspects to keep my mh issues manageable.

Accepting help, taking my meds, being honest with my dr and cpn about if I'm doing well or not (and not waiting till crisis point), recognising that resting is NOT being lazy but part of my self care.

I also take vitamin d (2 cpns have said it should be added to the water!! Grin).

And I have bitten the bullet and started exercising which I am actually enjoying.

Little steps.

Also another who's experience of SS was positive on several occasions and very helpful.

Spuddington · 19/09/2017 23:26

How did you get on OP? I found the crisis team great help when my PND was at it's worst.

millifiori · 19/09/2017 23:42

You've had great support and advice so far. I definitely think ADs help. Being the parent of young DC is tough enough - but doing it with untreated MH problems is way too hard. I did for four years. It was so stupid. Life is so much smoother with medication. Like you, I try and hide it as much as possible from DH and entirely from DC as my memories of my own dad's endless self indulgent furious nervous breakdowns have made me very aware of the impact and toll MH has on the people around you.

Check your NHS area for ieso or similar (free online counselling) if you think it would help. It helped me. As did Parentline phone support when I was really struggling. I prefer offloading onto professional strangers than to friends or DH, as you don't feel guilty of burdening them.

Generally, keep life easy: easy dinners, easy routines, easy clothes to dress DC and you in. But try if you can to stick with any activities they have so you don't all get housebound by the illness. Keep up with nursery/playgroup etc.Don't take on anything that might stress you further, but do try and have fun and some fresh air with DC each day. It'll get better.

millifiori · 19/09/2017 23:44

Parentline is now called Family Lives. It's a free phone advice service.

user1498726699 · 20/09/2017 00:12

I live by the mantra 'everyone's fed, no one's dead'. My anxiety (OCD) hit the roof after having twins (+ a 5 year old) with a DH working nights. No support or help from anyone as I hid it very well (and had an immaculate house Wink). It peaked again when I had my 4th DC.

I have had to learn to go easy on myself. It's taken me years to accept I have a debilitating condition, that's not my fault, and it's real, even though I can't actually 'see' it. I have accepted I can't work and maybe won't again (after a particularly embarrassing incident where I had to run out of a meeting due to a panic attack and never went back!). I do my best, make sure I ask my DC about their day and hug them, especially when I am frozen on the sofa, and make sure essential stuff is done.

I have lots of reminders on my phone - like reminders to pick DC Hmm, appointments, to do the online shop, to start dinner, to get PE kit ready for next day, to remind DC to do homework, deal with admin, etc. Not that I ever forget any of it, just really worry I might Hmm.

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 20/09/2017 07:24

The crisis team were lovely. They are coming to visit me every day this week. They sat down with DP and spoke about everything with him which helped us both.

They are also going to look into getting me some help with childcare which I think will really help me out, I've felt really overwhelmed with the DCs lately and guilty about not being able to focus on them properly.

I am doing a charity swim at the minute which has been on hold this week for obvious reasons but going to try to get back on it next week when I've pulled myself together a bit.

My meds have been upped so feeling a bit cloudy and very tired which was to be expected.

Once again, thank you for all your kind words and advice. It has been really helpful to me.

OP posts:
bbcessex · 20/09/2017 07:43

Good morning OP. Sounds like you are getting some help .. that's wonderful ❤️

user1483808257 · 20/09/2017 07:43

So glad to hear things are more positive. Well done for getting the help you deserve. Good luck with your charity swim. Are you allowed to post the link? Not sure? but if you are I will certainly donate xxx

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 20/09/2017 07:48

Oh user, that's lovely of you. My just giving page has my full name and photo on so can't really post it, but I could PM you the link?

I'm so great full for this thread, you have all been so supportive and it's been such a help.

My DS has just got all his coloured bricks out and got all the colours right and all the shape names so that has made me smile this morning l.

OP posts:
Gingernut81 · 20/09/2017 07:51

Good luck with the Dr today and I'm so pleased the crisis team were so helpful. When I'm not doing well I often find that once I've seen the Dr I begin to feel better, I think it's the psychological thing of admitting that I'm going down hill and not having to bottle it up.
It's hard with children when you're not feeling down so please don't be hard on yourself (easier said than done I know).

bbcessex · 20/09/2017 08:49

OP.. it can be hard on your own with small children at the best of times.. I hope with support you start to feel better soon.

Great to hear about your charity swim. Keep that up as much as you can.. exercise can have a really positive impact on mental health.. ❤️

user1483808257 · 20/09/2017 09:26

Yes, please PM me the link xxx

Mittens1969 · 20/09/2017 09:41

I'm so glad the Crisis Team are being helpful, OP. The change in meds will make a difference but it does take a little while ime. But what I've found is that it's made me much calmer but it's also dulled my feelings, which I find quite sad when relating to children. I kind of have to 'fake it', iyswim. Flowers

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 20/09/2017 10:43

I feel really on edge but totally emotionless too today.

Is that normal?

All I want to do is sleep but obviously can't.

OP posts:
Sunnysidegold · 20/09/2017 10:43

Just read your full thread and am glad you have gone to go.sounds like the crisis team will be a good source of support. I think it sometimes helps for a partner to hear from an outsider involved in your care - so many people don't see mental illness as an actual illness and to see people taking you seriously can help their understanding. The everyone's fed no one dead mantra helped me a lot when I was in the midst of my worst periods of anxiety and depression.the first time I had it my kids were about the age of yours and I found it so hard as they need so much attention.i went to two different t toddler groups so I knew we would get out for those.it always helped talking to someone else even if it was just about the kids.

Do your children nap? I would have a rest when mine did and it helped. Hopefully your partner will step up more.

Good luck with your swim and hope you feel better soon

Sunnysidegold · 20/09/2017 10:45

Also, I did shopping online and made really simple dinners. I swore by cleaning wipes (and I'm quite environmentally conscious ordinarily!) As it seemed like less effort.

Routine in your day helps too.

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 20/09/2017 10:57

My local toddler group has closed to the public now (only available to forces families which seems very unfair)

I have enquired about starting at the nearest surestart centre and got a really friendly, welcoming response so will try to get to some groups next week. It's my DS that I worry about, he doesn't seem to like groups, especially ones where he has to participate in singing/music etc, he will just throw a massive fit! He likes to do things his own way and isn't very sociable. DD on the other hand, loves that type of thing so I'm going to have to try a few out to see what works for us all.

DD still naps in the day but not DS. We have a good routine in place, which without, none of us would cope!

OP posts:
UbiquityTree · 20/09/2017 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mittens1969 · 20/09/2017 11:22

@CarlHickbread, yes it is normal to feel on edge and emotionless. That's my constant state, I'm used to it now. I'm not saying I never feel happy, but mostly I've become good at faking it.

Original poster
CarlHickbread · 20/09/2017 11:40

mittens I am sorry you are feeling this way too Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlHickbread · 20/09/2017 12:33

Had my 2nd visit from the crisis team.

They mentioned referring me for counselling and looking in to some extra support for me regarding the kids, may be with SS which is worrying me due do a previous post on here. She did say that it was obvious that my DCs are clearly very well looked after so that isn't a concern for them, it was more about me.

Also, think I've managed to get both DCs down for a nap at the same time so I can get a bit of rest.

Sorry if I am boring you all but I'm finding it helpful getting my thoughts out.

OP posts:
UbiquityTree · 20/09/2017 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 20/09/2017 13:18

Accept any help offered with open arms. It's short term support to help you get well.