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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect ex to help with DC on his 'day off'

48 replies

Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 08:21

I genuinely don't know who is being unreasonable here.

We have two daughters together, one school aged and one 11 months old. We have been seperated for 6 months and generally get on okay.

Yesterday I took DD1 to school, got back to the car and it wouldn't turn on. The baby was screaming as it was her normal nap/feed time and I was getting really stressed. Ex would normally be at work so I called my DF who jump started me to the garage.

Ex messaged at around 11 to ask how the DC were and I replied and told him car was now in the garage etc. and he knew that I would now struggle to get DD1 from school as we live a driving distance to school. I got two buses to collect her at the end of the dday and thought no more of it.

At the end of the day ex text again and he only then mentioned that he had the day off (unemployed/cancellations). And I am really upset, he knew my car had broken down so he could have easily helped out picking up DD1 or look after DD2 so I didn't have to drag her out in the cold (she has been poorly).

He said as it wasn't his day with the DC IABU but I think given they are his DC too he could have helped out?! He wasn't 'busy' and was just at home.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 19/09/2017 08:27

I think if you had specifically asked him to do it it would have been nice to. But he didn't know you where struggling really did he - you could have got your dad or someone else to help with the school run for all he knew.

So yes it would have been nice but yabu to expect it without asking!

Zebrasinpyjamas · 19/09/2017 08:34

I think that's pretty shit thoughtless behaviour from your ex. Real life doesn't comply with a rota.

52FestiveRoad · 19/09/2017 08:35

I think it is pretty shitty too. He is still a parent, he should have offered.

Pacificplaza · 19/09/2017 08:37

Yes he should have helped. Prepare yourself for lots of people saying it's not his day so not his responsibility though. Which I personally think is bollocks. They're still his children and if he can, he should help (and should want to help!) YANBU

Pengggwn · 19/09/2017 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveMyCatss · 19/09/2017 08:41

What if you were still together, would he have a 'day off' then? No. Wether you're with your child's mother/father or not, you should always help them wherever you can. I would say yanbu.

mrsm43s · 19/09/2017 08:47

Hmm, I think this is a difficult one.

As your ex, he no longer has any responsibility to support you or make your life easier.

As your DDs Dad, he does still have responsibility towards them, to ensue that they are looked after.

Does this situation fall into support for you, or support for them? I'm inclined to think it would be more support for you, (DD1 still got to school and back, and probably enjoyed the bus ride etc, DD2 at 11months, wrapped up warm, would have been fine on the bus, for you on the other hand, it was an almighty hassle) and therefore he's not really obliged to do it. It would have been nice if he'd offered, it would certainly have helped you out.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/09/2017 08:50

Bit difficult to say for sure whether HIBU - you could have asked him. He might have assumed that your father or someone else was helping you.

RedSkyAtNight · 19/09/2017 08:52

Maybe he didn't realise you needed help if you didn't ask for any? (I'd have assumed you would have asked your father or a school parent).

I suspect this is a case where the ex can't win - if he'd said "oh I'll pick DC up from school", you might well have accused him of muscling in on "your" day.

LongWavyHair · 19/09/2017 08:54

Plenty of exes on both sides of the coin go on about it not being their day so not their responsibility. I agree in most cases because they are allowed to have their own lives when they don't have the children with them. In emergencies though then that's obviously different. Your situation op was an emergency because your car had broken down, so he should have helped.

LongWavyHair · 19/09/2017 08:57

Although, if this was about a dad who's car had broken down he would probably be told unanimously it's not his ex's responsibility to help him on his days and that public transport is available when his car is broken.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/09/2017 08:58

Any half decent person with access to a car and not busy would have helped you out. For the parents of the dc involved it is spectacularly shit not to help.

Op yanbu

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/09/2017 09:02

Having a day off doesn't necessarily mean he was doing nothing all day. Do you know for sure he was just at home all day? Switch it round - if you were having a day off, say you had plans even just to relax and have some child-free time, would you not be a bit put out if your ex contacted you to ask you to do something?

It's quite rare actually that exes manage to get on OK. Would it not be better to try to keep things on a friendly footing? Nothing terrible has happened - he's clearly not an awful person if you're still OK with him, and it all sounded quite amicable from your earlier post. If you get into arguments over things like this it's more than likely going to cause a lot more of a rift, and make it even less likely that either of you will be willing to be flexible and/or help each other out in future.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/09/2017 09:03

LongWavyHair - I completely agree with you. Just spin this round so it's the other way and the responses would be different I'm sure.

RedForFilth · 19/09/2017 09:08

I think he should help but my view is clouded. I never get a day off to myself. If my son is at his dads I am at work. I haven't had a whole day to myself since he was born. His dad on the other hand has a minimum of two days off a week. No idea if it's a similar situation for you though.

diddl · 19/09/2017 09:10

Did he realise that you wouldn't have the car back in time to collect?

ems137 · 19/09/2017 09:12

My exH and I don't get on brilliantly but we do help each other out when needed.

We are not mind readers though and I would never guess when he needed help or vice versa. If a situation comes up then we communicate with each other. In your position I'd have texted him and asked if he was free to pick up DD from school.

ohamIreally · 19/09/2017 09:13

I think it's shit but then I have developed an "expect nothing and you won't be disappointed" mentality.

Original poster

Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 09:21

But the reason I didn't ask him is because I thought he was working. When he knew the car had broken down and was in the garage we had a conversation about it but at no point did he say he was off work or could pick up DD.

If it was his day with them and the same happened and I was just sat at home I would say so and offer to help if I could.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 19/09/2017 09:24

As you didn't specifically asked for help, I think you're being a little unreasonable. Not everyone would put 2+2 together and come up with 4.

Original poster

Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 09:25

He told me he was at home all day and mentioned a few 'jobs' he'd done whilst at home. We don't have any feelings towards eachother in any way so he would say if he was out with friends or busy in which case I wouldn't expect him to help and drop everything but given he was at his home which is actually closer in distance than from my house to the school (in opposite directions) I feel he didnt want to help so avoided mentioning it.

I haven't mentioned it to him yet that I'm annoyed, hence the AIBU as I don't want to mention it for the sake of a row.

OP posts:

TiredMumToTwo · 19/09/2017 09:25

I agree with you OP, my ex & I have been co-parenting for 7 years & if one of us had our car off the road, the other one would step up.

scottishdiem · 19/09/2017 09:29

I think he didnt know as you didnt say that it was a real struggle. Next time, ask if he can help, even if he is at work. I wouldnt go looking for a row to be honest.

PurplePickledPlums · 19/09/2017 09:29

In a perfect world he would have offered but you didn't ask. Honestly he will move on get a new partner etc and it's very unlikely that he will then be offering that level of support. He will only become less involved. I think you're in for a world if frustration and disappointment if you expect that level
Of involvement from an Ex.

MrsPottsTeaCosy · 19/09/2017 09:30

Yanbu, of course he should have helped you! mrsm really! Wtf!

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