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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect ex to help with DC on his 'day off'

48 replies

Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 08:21

I genuinely don't know who is being unreasonable here.

We have two daughters together, one school aged and one 11 months old. We have been seperated for 6 months and generally get on okay.

Yesterday I took DD1 to school, got back to the car and it wouldn't turn on. The baby was screaming as it was her normal nap/feed time and I was getting really stressed. Ex would normally be at work so I called my DF who jump started me to the garage.

Ex messaged at around 11 to ask how the DC were and I replied and told him car was now in the garage etc. and he knew that I would now struggle to get DD1 from school as we live a driving distance to school. I got two buses to collect her at the end of the dday and thought no more of it.

At the end of the day ex text again and he only then mentioned that he had the day off (unemployed/cancellations). And I am really upset, he knew my car had broken down so he could have easily helped out picking up DD1 or look after DD2 so I didn't have to drag her out in the cold (she has been poorly).

He said as it wasn't his day with the DC IABU but I think given they are his DC too he could have helped out?! He wasn't 'busy' and was just at home.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/09/2017 09:33

He didn't hide it from you because he did say he was at home. Which suggests to me he simply didn't realise you could have done with the help. Otherwise wouldn't he have just said he'd been at work? Perhaps the jobs he was doing at home needed doing asap?

In an ideal world he would have come to help you but you got on ok and the kids are fine. Just ask yourself if this particular scenario is worth potentially damaging a decent relationship for?

(By the way I am not advocating remaining silent and people-pleasing, or not ruffling feathers. Sometimes that's needed but IMO this is not one of those situations).

Original poster
Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 09:36

Sorry if I am being confusing.

I didn't know until the evening that he had been off. He called to talk to DD then when talking to me about something else he mentioned it. During the day when we spoke about the car he said nothing. I agree I didn't 'ask' but he knows my set up and knew I didn't know how long the car would be in the garage, and that I would have to make other arrangments for school.

OP posts:
LongWavyHair · 19/09/2017 09:41

and that I would have to make other arrangments for school

I really do get where you are coming from and that if you're co-parents you should help each other out. But if you was a man saying this above statement you would be told of course you should be making your own other arrangements. I want to disagree with you just out of principle but I can't because I agree with you Grin

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/09/2017 09:42

We're on the same page OP, that's what I meant. He told you in the evening so clearly wasn't intending to hide anything? Or he wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

Original poster
Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 09:45

I suppose to me if it came from a man it would depend on the context. If he had them a minority of the time and expected his ex to stop her plans/leave work I'd think hed be unreasonable but if he was the main carer (he has them 2 days a week, one overnight every 2 weeks) and his ex was at home with transport 5 mins away I would think their mother would step in and offer to help.

I think thats why I'm a bit upset as he could have helped but didn't offer and I feel he deliberatly didn't mention he was at home.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 19/09/2017 09:47

Everything in your OP revolves around the impact on you, rather than the kids. He's their father but not your partner. Get used to that. The old "he should have read my mind" attitude is bad enough when you're in a relationship, when you're not it's cringeworthy.

MoreThanJustANumber · 19/09/2017 09:50

If your DF helped you in the morning your ex could well have assumed he was doing the pick up. I don't think you can be angry that he hasn't helped when you haven't asked. By all means be mad at him if you asked and he wasn't willing but he's not a mind reader.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/09/2017 09:52

He's a git.

Any decent person would have asked if you'd have the car back in time & offered to collect DD.

There's generally a reason people are ex's though and it's not generally because they are thoughtful, caring people.

I'd definitely call him out on it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/09/2017 09:56

Jesus wept. She didn't ask because she thought he was at WORK. He SHOULD have offered, HE was the only one who knew he was at home. It's not even about being their Dad, it's not about him being her ex, it's not about him not being a mind reader. It's about him being a selfish git. You'd offer to do it for a friend, let alone the mother of your kids. FFS.

Original poster
Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 10:01

I think theres a huge difference between expecting a mind reader and using a bit of intelligence though. He knew I had no car, he knew it is too far to walk and takes two buses any normal person would at that point offer help if they could.

Even a school mum who was parked nearby and saw car had broken down offered to pick up DD if it helped us out.

Perhaps it did just go over his head that help would be appreciated but I think he knew that and just couldn't be bothered.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/09/2017 10:03

"and that I would have to make other arrangments for school."

Did he think that your dad would help again or that the "other arrangements" were easy & it was all Ok ?

Idk.

He could have offered/you could have asked.

Even if he was at work there's no reason that he shouldn't be asked if he can collect his own child from school, is there?

(To make it easier for her/prevent an ill sibling having to go out)

RedSkyAtNight · 19/09/2017 10:04

Even a school mum who was parked nearby and saw car had broken down offered to pick up DD if it helped us out.

So why didn't you take up her offer? Now I'm confused ...

Original poster
Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 10:06

I didn't take her up as we don't know eachother well, she probably assumed a husband or partner could collect DD later but I would still have to travel to get her, it would just be later and at tea time so doesn't make much difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 10:08

When we spoke he didn't ask about arrangements for school, he didn't know DF had jump started me just that I'd broken down and car was at the garage.

His work is self employed and not local so I wouldn't have expected him to leave work/cancel to collect DD unless he offered or was finishing early.

OP posts:
Idontevencareanymore · 19/09/2017 10:12

It sounds like he's just a bit thoughtless and maybe thought because you didn't ask or mentioned you'd struggle to pick dd up you'd made other arrangements?

I do think some people need these things spelled out for them meaning you basically outright suggest or tell them you need help.
Which maybe you could have done in a " are you around at pick up time just to help me"

My dh still needs reminding that I struggle with school run despite him living with me

LongWavyHair · 19/09/2017 15:47

I suppose to me if it came from a man it would depend on the context. If he had them a minority of the time and expected his ex to stop her plans/leave work I'd think hed be unreasonable

But if the mum was on a day off and didn't have plans then surely she would want to help? I think that applies to both mum and dad.
I don't think it matters who has the children the majority/minority of the time. It's the children who are in the middle.

Original poster
Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 16:01

Long Yes precisely. If it were the other way around on his day the first thing I'd ask is how is DD getting home. If I was free and 5 minutes away I'd rather collect her than ex and the baby going out in the cold on two buses and a walk and then back.

I don't think I should have even needed to ask when he knew the situation and he knew he was sat at home and could easily have picked DD up and brought her home in less than 30 mins total.

OP posts:
Witchend · 19/09/2017 16:54

If you don't ask it isn't unreasonable to assume you've sorted it.
But a day off doesn't mean doing nothing free all day necessarily. Often for me a day of is a medical appointment an hour drive away so wouldn't be guaranteed to be back in time.

Original poster
Rocketbuddies · 19/09/2017 18:17

Witchend I didn't ask because he would normally be at work, I would have if he mentioned he wasn't, which I feel he deliberatley left out of this knowing I'd think he was.

In his case his day off was spent at home.

OP posts:
ohamIreally · 20/09/2017 09:09

See I genuinely don't think YABU he sounds really thoughtless. I get what people are saying about your days /his days but I've always tried to accommodate ex by taking DD to stations/tubes/airports to facilitate his meagre contact and I do that for DD not for him. He could have thought about your children but I suspect it never crossed his mind - that's what you're there for after all. Confused

MrsMHasIt · 20/09/2017 09:41

Just signed back in after a 3 year hiatus and lurking for a few weeks to say....

What a lot of nonsense. Grin You split up. No child ever came to harm from having to ride a bus.

Sorry you had a bad day, but he did no wrong. If he would have helped that would have been very kind. He is in no way morally obligated to you, just his children.

Pacificplaza · 25/09/2017 21:13

MrsM you signed in after three years just to leave that comment? Well done you Hmm

RB68 · 25/09/2017 21:26

Just tell him you will remember that when he wants to change his day or he has to work or something and it doesn't fit with his childcare responsibilities on his day. He is still a parent and this was about running round after the children

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