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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling hurt by my "friend"

45 replies

Internetaddict17 · 18/09/2017 21:21

Friend travels yearly to a cool destination for work. It's somewhere we had talked about going together for years before she started going there as part of her job. We discussed a few months ago that if she were going again this year that I could fly out and join her for a few days at the end of her trip.

There was some doubt over whether she would actually go this year due to budget cuts. Nothing was said so I assumed she wasn't going. Well I met her yesterday for dinner. We spent 3 hours together. Just as we were saying our goodbyes outside the restaurant she dropped in that she is going in a weeks time!! Then she proceeded to tell me that some other friends of hers ( who live in another part of the country she is going to) are travelling to meet her while she is there. Nothing was said about the trip we had discussed but she obviously didn't just forget as why else would she have mentioned nothing about it until the very last minute? I think she purposely left it until then because she knew that it wouldn't go down well.

I didn't really react as I was really taken aback. But I've not stopped thinking about it since. I feel really shit! I'm not really sure what to do. She obviously decided she didn't want me to go. That's her right but she could at least have been honest with me?

I actually feel like taking a massive step back from her now and maybe putting the "friendship" on hold.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 21:25

Well, lots of ways to interpret this.

Firstly she was honest with you, she told you others were going and she was too.

Secondly. Maybe she forgot you wished to go, or didn't think you were very set on it.

Thirdly, maybe the other friends were pushier.

I don't think it's a given she didn't want you there. I suspect it's less about you than you think it is 💐

MsVestibule · 18/09/2017 21:28

By 'travelling to meet her', could that mean they are meeting her for an evening, rather than all spending a few days together?

If the former, that's OK, but if the latter, then yes, I'd be hurt too. Do you have the sort of friendship where you could ask her about it? Not an easy conversation to have, but maybe better to do that before backing off from her?

RainyApril · 18/09/2017 21:32

Maybe on reflection your friend thought it was inappropriate to have you fly out with her on a business trip, or that she wouldn't be able to spend much time with you?

The friends joining her are from the destination country, so I think this is entirely different in that she is not under any obligation to show them around and they have probably arranged their own travel and accommodation.

Furthermore, they may have asked for this even before you did. Maybe she didn't feel like she could invite you until she had fulfilled her promise and obligation to them.

TBH I don't understand, if you are friends, why you didn't just ask.

Original poster
Internetaddict17 · 18/09/2017 21:35

I don't believe she forgot. We talked about it a lot as we both celebrated "big" birthdays and this was supposed to be our joint belated celebration. It's somewhere we both wanted to go for years but never got chance. She then got a job that enabled her to travel there. But she always went alone and complained about how boring it was without company. So she was saying she would be glad to have me there to spend a few days with her.

There's been absolourely zero mention about it. I've seen and spoken to her quite a bit and she has never once mentioned it. So I do think she tried to keep quiet about it.

The friends are meeting her for a weekend and are travelling several hours from different parts of the country she is visiting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Internetaddict17 · 18/09/2017 21:39

The intention wasn't for me to join her for the business part but to join her for a few days of "fun" at the end. She is now staying on a few days to spend time with these other friends. Her plans with them definitely didn't get made first or she would have said on one of the occasions we discussed it!

I should have said something but I was completely shocked. I actually didn't know how to react. I felt very awkward and quite hurt.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 18/09/2017 21:39

I had a similar situation with a friend, I was v hurt but didn't say anything. We carried on being friends, it was never mentioned. In fact we are still friends now, 10 years later.

In retrospect, I think it was probably because I had some irritating habits back then. She wanted to be friends, but have a bit of distance too. Of course I don't know as I never asked her, but I think that if I did it would damage our friendship, because I'd be hurt and she would feel awkward saying it. I'd also imagine that the issue was more significant to me than to her.

In general I like things being in the open, but I think in some cases it will only cause hurt and you can carry on enjoying your friendship, without her having to detail why she doesn't want this holiday with you.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 18/09/2017 21:43

Maybe by telling you and mentioning the friemds coming she was giving you the opportunity to bring up the topic of you coming out to meet her without wanting to make you feel obligated? Maybe clutching at straws but perhaps she didnt want to be presumptuous that you wpuld want to spend lots of money to see her on a work trip, especially if other friends have already invited themsleves

Original poster
Internetaddict17 · 18/09/2017 21:53

No like I say we've talked about it a lot. So she wouldn't be under the misapprehension that I'd not want to go or that I'd feel obligated. It's also not likely that the other friends had invited themselves first. She and I have been discussing this since February. She wasn't sure if she would be going this year. We last discussed it in June. It's not been mentioned by her since. I've seen lots of her. She's told me about everything else happening in her life, big and small. So I'm certain she didn't mention this work trip because she knew she was being a cow.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 18/09/2017 22:01

well, looking at it from another point of view, she's going to be there anyway. She has a few extra days and could prioritise seeing friends who live in that country, and presumably she only gets to see when she travels or they do, or she could spend them doing touristy things with a friend from home who she sees regularly anyway.

I can see why you are hurt, but also I can see why she might want to prioritise spendng time with friends she hardly ever gets to see face to face.

It wasn't set that you'd be going too, so perhaps she didn't feel it was a definate promise that if she was going, you'd go too. Nothing was arranged, and perhaps she's not quite grasped how much you want to go.

Gemini69 · 18/09/2017 22:09

She's Working right ? maybe it's not appropriate for her to have you there for 3 or such days on her Companies tab ? I think your being unreasonable.... but I agree she clearly doesn't want you to go... sorry Flowers

Original poster
Internetaddict17 · 18/09/2017 22:21

I understand she might prefer seeing the other friends. Clearly she does. I'm just hurt that she has been so shady about it. If it's innocent she would have mentioned it. But she hasn't spoken a word about it until a week before she goes. And even then only in passing as we were saying our goodbyes. It's a big deal trip, not a quick jaunt to Paris or somewhere, so definitely something you'd need to plan for. And definitely something she would ordinarily mention.

It was a definite arrangement that I would fly out to join her. It was supposed to be a joint birthday celebration. Back in June she said she wasn't sure she would get budget sign off to go this year after all. We left it that she would find out and let me know. She never mentioned it again. But trust me when I say she 100% has not forgotten or assumed I didn't really want to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Internetaddict17 · 18/09/2017 22:24

I wouldn't have been there on her companies tab. Not sure how you got that idea? She would be working for a week and then tag a few days holiday onto the end. I was due to fly out for those extra days ( at my own expense). She is still staying on the extra days only I am no longer invited!

It just seems a bit shit that she didn't have the decency to be upfront about changing her mind. I've turned down other potential trips in order to keep funds aside for this. I now feel like a complete fool.

OP posts:
MrLovebucket · 18/09/2017 22:35

I can see why you're hurt, though I tend to agree with what InvisibleKitten said.

Why don't you suggest a joint trip to this country when she isn't working, purely for pleasure and see how she reacts?

Mittens1969 · 18/09/2017 22:58

That does sound a bit mean, given that she sprung it on you the way she did. That in itself suggests that she knew that you were going to be upset. However, I really would ask her outright. It sounds like she's been a very good friend and you should give her a chance to explain why she's done this.

DJBaggySmalls · 18/09/2017 23:03

YANBU, and it sounds like she told you that way to manage your reaction. [flowers[

FetchezLaVache · 18/09/2017 23:09

I think it's really shitty of her, OP, just to go radio silence on the matter. My first thought is that she wanted to meet her other friends as she (presumably) gets to see much less of them than she does of you, but why not just come out and say so?

existentialmoment · 19/09/2017 02:02

It's a radical idea....but you could just bloody ask her?

over40andpregnant · 19/09/2017 02:06

I don't think you will feel better till you ask her
I would just say
I was a bit taken aback when we met and you mentioned your trip
I didn't think you were going this year as we had arranged plans together if we were going ?
I feel a bit hurt

Atenco · 19/09/2017 03:06

I am convinced that the explanation given by InvisibleKittenAttack is the one. This must have been very awkward for her and she hasn't dealt with it well, but I wouldn't take it too personally, OP. I have brilliant friends but absolutely none of them are perfect, which is great, because I'm not either

Windytwigs · 19/09/2017 03:50

If she was being shady about it, why would she tell you at all? Hmm

Original poster
Internetaddict17 · 19/09/2017 10:11

Well it will be pretty obvious when she is gone for a week and then starts posting pics of herself on Facebook in this place! If she wasn't being shady then surely she would have told me during dinner ... she told me every other trip she has planned!

She does have form for not being upfront and straightforward about things. So this isn't the first time she has flaked out on arrangements we have made but she has never gone ahead and done the planned thing with someone else instead. It's usually things like arranging to go to a gig and then she just "doesn't get round" to booking tickets.

OP posts:
over40andpregnant · 19/09/2017 10:15

So are you going to call her out or do nothing ?

GoEasyPudding · 19/09/2017 10:48

Where ever this place is I do hope you can visit it yourself one day.

Original poster
Internetaddict17 · 19/09/2017 10:51

I'm still considering what to do. Part of me feels like she clearly decided she didn't want to go on the trip with me so what is the point in confronting her about it? She obviously didn't want to to have the conversation or else she would have!

OP posts:
Motoko · 19/09/2017 10:53

If you feel awkward asking her face to face, just email her. Tell her you were surprised about her news, as the last time it was discussed, you were going to join her as a joint birthday celebration. Tell her you're hurt about the whole thing.

I do think you should ask her though.