To be feeling hurt by my "friend"

[Internetaddict17]

Friend travels yearly to a cool destination for work. It's somewhere we had talked about going together for years before she started going there as part of her job. We discussed a few months ago that if she were going again this year that I could fly out and join her for a few days at the end of her trip.

There was some doubt over whether she would actually go this year due to budget cuts. Nothing was said so I assumed she wasn't going. Well I met her yesterday for dinner. We spent 3 hours together. Just as we were saying our goodbyes outside the restaurant she dropped in that she is going in a weeks time!! Then she proceeded to tell me that some other friends of hers ( who live in another part of the country she is going to) are travelling to meet her while she is there. Nothing was said about the trip we had discussed but she obviously didn't just forget as why else would she have mentioned nothing about it until the very last minute? I think she purposely left it until then because she knew that it wouldn't go down well.

I didn't really react as I was really taken aback. But I've not stopped thinking about it since. I feel really shit! I'm not really sure what to do. She obviously decided she didn't want me to go. That's her right but she could at least have been honest with me?

I actually feel like taking a massive step back from her now and maybe putting the "friendship" on hold.

I wonder if you could say to her that you are "feeling a bit sad" the trip's not happening and see what she says?

It wouldn't be a "confrontation" just an admission that you are feeling hurt, yes, but not devastated. She's more likely to be honest with you if the conversation isn't a dramatic one.

I say this though as someone who never ever brings things up if there's a problem with a friend.

I don't think it is possible for anyone here to say what is going on, so you have to decide how important it is for you to find out the truth and ask her if it matters, or just leave it if it doesn't.

Ask other friends to go to this place with you instead or plan a trip on your own. Don't let this person stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

Op I would've hurt too, you said you wanted to go and meet her at this country and she chose other friends to do that. I think she preferred them to you. Mabey she's not the sneaky type, and did not see how this would hurt you. I would have told her, there and then, that you wanted to go out there and meet her, hopefully next time let you know.

At the risk of outing myself it's NYC! We were big SiTC fans years ago and always planned a shopping and cocktail trip there. I have been before but years ago.

That's not going to out you. You aren't the only person who would like a trip to New York!

Take someone else for a long weekend.

Lol no maybe not, but if she see's this thread she will realise it's about her now.

I think that she probably did not want to go with you, and that would hurt, she asked others instead. Mabey invest less in the friendship, if she feels like that.

It sounds as if perhaps you are pushing her into doing things she isn't particularly interested in doing, but she's not very good at saying so.

(and I'm pretty sure everyone guessed it was NYC!)

I'm not pushing her at all. Some of these things are her suggestion. A lot of the time I don't particularly want to go. I'm definitely not going to be bothering in future.

Yes I will be investing less in the friendship. That's a given.

I think the fact that she goes yearly and suddenly she said this year the work budget may not stretch to her going, after you suggested that you meet her there, means that she didn't actually want to go with you OP.

Maybe just keep your friendship on the terms of meeting for dinner and enjoying each others company. Sometimes we have friends that we love but we couldn't spend a weekend away with. It could be that she likes to slob out and you are a neat freak and she would feel uncomfortable or the other way around.

Or maybe she just wants to meet up with the others who are coming from the same place, it is less pressure if they don't get on they can go home.

The friends are meeting her for a weekend and are travelling several hours from different parts of the country she is visiting.

Does that mean that the people who are visiting her are already in the country that she's visiting?

That could be why she didn't ask you to travel there. It could also be that she would prefer to go just the two of you?

But if this is the only chance she'll have to be there this year... yeah, no, I can't really understand it. :(

It may not be a conversation she wants to have, but the truth is that she shouldn't have invited you along to start with if she wasn't 100% intending to follow through on what she said & as a consequence of her behaviour you're now justifiably hurt, so if you do want to have this conversation, you're well within the bounds of reason to initiate it. There are two people in this relationship, not just her.

But I do agree, keep it light and to the point - what exactly is the goal of confronting her? If it's something you don't think you can get from her (e.g. if you think she probably won't understand your feelings & won't show you remorse), then don't confront. If you e.g. would simply like her to acknowledge that in future she shouldn't be so flaky then it sounds like a useful thing to do for both your peace of mind and the friendship.

It is quite rude to expect someone to believe that they've had some sort of total memory deficit and that conversations they've had with you, even if they regret them, never existed. She did invite you and she should acknowledge that.

I've always found it best to broach a potentially confrontational situation by going from the angle of 'I was a bit confused because I thought we'd discussed xyz, and I just want to understand where I got that wrong....'

That way you are not going in accusing her of doing wrong by you, so se is less likely to get defensive / pissy.

You're also giving her an out to say you have misunderstood, so she is less likely to feel cornered.

Once you've opened up the chat and seen where she is coming from, you can go in a little firmer, or it may be that she apologises, or you both realise it was a misunderstanding

may be worth a shot?

oh dear - sorry this has happened OP. Could it be that she never did want you to go with her in the first place, and she was swept up in the whole 'it would be sooooo great to go together' sort of hysteria? The way she told you was not the best - she could have handled it better for sure.

I would just ask her - if she is a good friend and you are close, she will explain herself.

Had she intended that you'd go together and then these other friends muscled in with 'Oooh, you'll be in NYC, how great, we must all meet up and spend some time together!' and she knew that she wouldn't be able to do that if you and she were spending time together, and, because they already knew and were making plans and you didn't and weren't, she went along with their suggestions instead? If she's a bit conflict-avoidant?

Having issues with my friend/s currently and I'm in favour of she didn't want to go with you and prefers the company of the others.

In my case I'm cooling off my friendships and concentrating on others. Good luck. She sounds false. Xx

Yes she is very conflict avoidant. She does have form for this sort of thing and hasn't been the best friend to me over the past few years. I think this is the act that's made me realise we aren't the good friends that we used to be. I'm going to cool off the friendship from my side.

She didn't want you to go with her. End of. No need to feel offended, you aren't her partner and she wants to go alone, maybe it's because she hasn't seen these other friends in a while, maybe because it's work, maybe she wanted time alone, what does it matter, she didn't want you to go just move on.

Sometimes friendships do cool.

I have ex-school friends who I no longer speak to. Once I went away to University about 130 miles away (friend A went to a local University and friend B didn't bother - she worked for BA) our friendship became less and less. We didn't fall out but they made new friends at University and their line of work, I wasn't home that much and when we did meet up, we were all doing different things in life, had other friends who we'd become closer to (I became closer to Friend C from University) and 8 years after leaving for University, I saw my friends for the last time. We went from seeing each other several times a year to maybe twice and the 'icing on the cake' was when Friend B got married. My then partner (now DH for 7 years - together for 12 years) had been together a year and he wasn't invited. It was our anniversary on the day of the wedding and I had to make a choice. I don't think it went down too well and I never saw them again! I never fell out with them, maybe they did with me - who knows! But 11 years later, Friend B from what I have heard is still happily married with two children of her own, Friend A now lives in New Zealand with a young daughter and I'm happily married with 2 DCs of my own!

As it happens, Friend C and I also started to cool our friendship the year after I got married. She married about 2 years previous to me and once I was married, married life took hold, our lives went in separate paths etc. The last time I saw Friend C was 2 days before the birth of my DS nearly 6 years ago! We still speak via FB and the last time we spoke over the phone was probably 2 years ago.

Like I said, we all take different paths in life. Sometimes those friends take the same journey but more often than not, most take a different route and sometimes that route means physical friendships are severed.

Recently I have hooked up on FB with school friends from my primary days and also high school. We keep in touch via FB - comments on status updates, photo and video likes and FB messenger. I would never consider my friendships severed. There has been no bad feelings on my part and wish ALL my friends past and present the best for their futures.

Life is busy and the world is growing but time is still the same. We don't all have the time to maintain the many friendships that we build up over the years and sometimes many become neglected.

Look at this as your friendship is still there as she DOES still socialise with you but that she also has other friends that she wants to do things with too.

If it is bothering you so much tell her that as discussed so much, you were really looking forward to meeting her for a few days in NYC and that you're disappointed that you are not this time round. Ask her outright if it is a possibility in the future but if she is 'a conflict avoider' give her the option to politely bow out along the lines of; "I won't be offended if you didn't want to". Although you will be hurt, don't mess up a friendship over something that YOU'D be hurt over but she may be equally not as happy for doing something with you she didn't feel comfortable doing. Sometimes in our decisions, one of 'us' has to be the one who gets hurt; it's unavoidable.

Also any chance that your friend's trip was last minute and the other friends from another part of the country were able to get a last minute getaway? Maybe she thought it was too short notice for you.

Internetaddict, you're exactly right.

She knows she's disappointed you and tried to just drop it in at the end of your meet up, gloss over it and escape quickly. She's very much a fair weather friend. If you ever see her again make it only when you have nothing else more interesting to do, like cleaning the kitchen cupboards out. Or wait for her to ask to meet up and stand her up. Say you got busy dusting and totally forgot that you had a get together planned. Honestly she deserves it.