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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be a godparent

55 replies

Smarshian · 18/09/2017 20:45

Very close friend has asked me to be godparent to her ds2. We have been friends for years and I love both her ds.

I am however quite uncomfortable with the idea of standing in church and essentially lying about how I will bring the child up under god or whatever it is you say. I am not religious and nor is my friend. She is just getting him christened as she did ds1.

I thought she knew that I wouldn't want to when I responded to her announcement to christen ds1 with why?!

She handed me a little will you be my godparent card today. Christening is in 2 weeks. I'm really not sure I want to do it but absolutely don't want to upset her or for her to think that it's a reflection of how I feel about her and her boys. Argh

Help please?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Smarshian · 18/09/2017 22:31

No you're right it's no different from telling a fib anywhere else, but I have too much respect for the church and people who DO believe to be hypocritical about it. I chose not to marry in church as I never wanted to do the whole in the eyes of god thing.

Hmm I may need to just speak to my friend and explain that I don't know how I feel about it.

OP posts:

Urubu · 18/09/2017 22:33

Could you arrange a chat with her and the church representative to discuss it?
Mine allowed my muslim BF to be godmother at my COE wedding after we explained why I wanted her as godmother and how she would bring up the children spiritually even though she doesn't believe in our religion. My church is quite progressive though.

Fifthtimelucky · 18/09/2017 22:35

I think you need to be honest with your friend. If she is a real friend she will understand.

I had wondered whether the person we asked to be my younger daughter's Godfather would accept, so I made very clear when I asked him that we wouldn't be offended if he said no. He decided against but said he would still like to be involved. So my younger daughter has two Godmothers and what we call her non-Godfather. He came to the baptism and stood with the other Godparents, but he didn't say anything that would have made him feel hypocritical.

Could you do something similar? My only concern is that you have left it a bit late if the service is only 2 weeks away.

Original poster

Smarshian · 18/09/2017 22:35

So would I need to speak to the vicar or whoever to discuss being a sponsor rather than a godparent?

OP posts:

Original poster

Smarshian · 18/09/2017 22:36

In my defence she only asked me this evening!

OP posts:

Avocadostone · 18/09/2017 22:38

I think your friendship sounds much more important than falling out over a water pouring anti-hell insurance ceremony. Maybe just think of it like a social /friendly gathering, where you are pledging to be part of the child's life. atheists are god parents, because they love their friends, but not a 'god'. Think of it like christmas - enjoying a family/friendship cultural celebration - with no religious belief. I feel for your friend as she has to get the child wet in a special building or it will go to hell, which is quite a violent threat.

Gorygloria · 18/09/2017 22:39

I've refused in the past and no offence was taken, those who asked had the feeling I would say no but wanted to ask. One newish friend said, before being aware of my views on religion "I'd love you to be my son's godmother, you're such fun and I know you'd get him great presents"

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/09/2017 22:40

Also if you take on the roll, and Don't fulfill it. Not only are you breaking a promise to God. You're Also lying to him.

Original poster

Smarshian · 18/09/2017 22:43

Yes thanks for that - I'll be sure to be anxious about lying to a deity I don't believe in 🙄. I'm more concerned for the humans in the room who do believe and I have respect for.

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missymayhemsmum · 18/09/2017 22:44

Offer to be an honorary auntie instead

Fifthtimelucky · 18/09/2017 22:48

We discussed it with the vicar in advance and he not unreasonably said that as the nonGodfather was not comfortable with saying the things expected of Godparents (specifically the bit about turning to Christ) that he could not be one. We did not discuss whether there was an option of being a non-religious sponsor or guide parent because that is not an option in what is a religious service.

Grimmfebruary · 18/09/2017 22:49

I often joke I'm not actually my goddaughters godmother as I don't agree with organised religion but there was no way to turn it down - so I just sort of mumbled along with the responses and bought a non religious gift.

stealthbanana · 18/09/2017 22:51

Like others my son has a godless father - he didn't feel comfortable promising the religious stuff so he's a non religious spiritual and moral guide.

We weren't offended at all - can't imagine why any friend would be. The same friend refused to do a reading at our (church) wedding for similar reasons

Original poster

Smarshian · 18/09/2017 22:52

Oh I haven't even considered gifts! What sort of thing would a godparent (or sponsor/non godparent etc) buy?!

OP posts:

Flyinggeese · 18/09/2017 22:54

OP I have been in this situation...twice! I said no to my closest friend as although it was an honour to be asked, I couldn't in any seriousness, as an atheist, agree to going through with the ceremony.

Same friend asked me again 5 years later as she'd forgotten why I said no the first time!

It was no problem at all and I still went to the christening but no regrets about politely and in a friendly way saying why I would have to decline.

What I couldn't understand though was now my friend tried to persuade me (gently, she didn't go on an on) to just go through with it and just say the words 'you don't have to believe them'!

Gorygloria · 18/09/2017 22:57

Smarshian I think this friend targeted me for this role because she perceives I have a fair amount of disposable income and in her world, a god parent's role is to support the child, not least financially. Maybe in the upper echelons love, not where I'm at

Teapot13 · 18/09/2017 23:01

My brother asked me to be a godparent although I don't have religious beliefs. Frankly I would have no problem helping my niece/nephew grow up learning about religion -- it isn't my belief but I would do it to keep the promise to a relative to whom it was important.

If you object to a nonreligious person christening her child I guess it's a different matter.

Slimthistime · 18/09/2017 23:05

is she asking you this when she really wants a guardian?

I completely understand why you would feel uncomfortable, I have even had some awkward conversations with my parents about funerals !!

but in the case of this it's completely different, if she just wants you to be a trustworthy adult who features in her DC life, that's one thing, if legal guardian, that's one thing.

You could buy a present of any kind that you might buy the DC of a close friend in a special way. So for example, I found an amazing illustrated version of Alice in Wonderland and bought that for a close friend's baby, of course she couldn't read it but it was like a "life" gift that she could enjoy when she was old enough and keep all her life if she wanted. Storytelling is really important to me and I wanted to share that with her so she grew up with that book. Although I got quite into Munch Bunch with her

Original poster

Smarshian · 18/09/2017 23:05

It's not that I object to her christening her ds despite lack of religion, nor that I object to helping teach about religion, just that I would have to stand and say I believe in this and will bring him up to believe to. I don't and I won't! She wouldn't expect it of me (the religious aspect) just the support bit.

OP posts:

Hastalapasta · 18/09/2017 23:08

She knows you that well, she should not have asked you!

My best friend asked my DH (raised catholic) to be a godparent to her DS but not me as she knew I would refuse. Did child wrangling during the ceremony too. Don't love her DS any less, and we are in each others wills to look after the DC if anything happens to us adults.

Just politely decline.

Hastalapasta · 18/09/2017 23:11

Re gifts, I find dinner sets go down quite well!

Grimmfebruary · 19/09/2017 08:18

For a gift I got a necklace with her name engraved into it. Books often are well received.

BookingDotComAreTwats · 19/09/2017 09:13

Aside from the religious bit, it is also a ceremony of friendship where she shows to you how important she thinks your role in her and her child's life is.
I'd just go along with it - it obviously means a lot to her and if you don't believe in God, saying a few pointless words is not going to hurt you.

liquidrevolution · 19/09/2017 09:31

My DD got 4 dinner sets (all china so no use to a 6 month old) and 5 necklaces as christening presents so personally I would avoid that route.

Godparent 1 bought a set of her favourite childhood books, plus a small cheque for savings account. Godparent 2 bought leather passport holder and luggage tag with DDs initials on and a copy of Dr Suess 'Oh the places you'll go'. book really good presents imo.

GinsanityBeckons · 19/09/2017 10:39

You could go really old school with the gift and buy a bottle/case of something to be drunk on their 18th/21st birthday. We've done it for all of our godchildren, and part of the deal is they share the first bottle with us. If you turn down the request and buy something to be shared far in the future could that help show your friend you want to be involved for the long haul?

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