Question about a will

[disinheritingyourchildren]

Due to the sensitive nature of this question I have name changed. It's not an aibu but I would like others opinions and perspectives on this.
Just to set the scene and avoid drip feeding...
My father left my mother for another woman when I was 16 and married her when I was 18. OW had 2 children and my dad had me and my db. My father has or will have 2 pensions, half the equity in a 4 bedroom house in the south, a life insurance pay out, a car and some other minor assets.
My father is sadly dying and probably only has months to live. He told me recently that his will states everything is being left to his wife and when she dies will be split 4 ways between us 4 children.
I expected that he would leave everything to his wife tbh, the only thing I thought he might leave us was the payout from one of his pensions as it was a career he had while we were children and well before he met his wife. Anyway I'm not upset either way and don't actually expect to get anything when his wife dies either as it will likely be spent on care or she might change the will in favour of her own children.
I happened to mention this to my mum who is absolutely furious for us and said that's he's disinherited us and it's disgusting etc etc. (We're in Scotland and my dad is in England which might explain the difference in attitudes towards wills).
So my question is do I pre warn my brother incase he has the same attitude as my mum - I don't want there to be any scenes at a later date? Also is my mum being unreasonable? Are her feelings towards my dad clouding her judgement? She thinks he's showing his children a complete disregard.

Sorry I should add the he received 70K from our family home when it was sold when my parents divorced as my mum said that should be mine and my brothers. It was obviously put into my dads new marital home and clearly we couldn't expect my step mother to sell up.

Your Mum is totally wrong to think any of your Dads money whether it came form the divorce or not is 'yours'. However lots of people think like this.

I think the issue is that In Scotland we would be entitled to a third of his estate regardless of whether he was remarried or not so my mum can't see past that (also I think she's still angry at him as he didn't support or have all that much contact with us after we left until I started initiating it in recent years). She thinks 'he's deluded if he thinks his wife will leave us anything'. I tend to agree but I'm not upset by it, I just hope my brother isn't upset.

He told me recently that his will states everything is being left to his wife and when she dies will be split 4 ways between us 4 children. He may well have disinherited you, because she isn't obligated to leave you anything. But that's his and then her choice. Your mum really needs to stay out of it.

Sorry about your dad

That's terry, it's a tough time and family rows will only make it worse. I said to my mum that it's only money but she said it's the lack of thought for his children she's upset about. I think however misguided he is he trusts his wife to leave us money in her will (tbh we hardly know her so I don't think she will, even if there's anything left by then).

Its his money and the English legal system is that it is his money to distribute as he wishes. If its an outright gift to his new wife, she may not leave her step-children in the will. If he wishes to ensure the money passes to all his children, he would be better off leaving his wife with a life interest in the estate with remaindermen being the children. Your mother is righteously upset but that doesn't mean she is right

He's leaving everything to his wife and there is nothing any of you can do about it. I would tell your brother now so he knows what you know.

So the question is do I pre warn my brother in case he's upset? I didn't really think much of it until my mum blew her top about it.

Even if he were in Scotland, you'd only, as his children, be entitled to a proportion of his moveable estate - so not including the house. Iirc, his wife is entitled to a third, then the children to a share of one of the remaining thirds - but I'm probably wrong about the proportions.

If he genuinely wants his children (both you and his stepkids) to have a share in what he leaves to go to you after his wife dies, then he will need to step up a trust. I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know the correct terms - but he really should be consulting a specialist.

If he leaves everything to his wife with the understanding that after she dies, the estate should be split 4 ways, she would be perfectly entitled to ignore that and leave everything to her own two children - or even, to ignore them and to give it to the Cat & Dog Home

I know you're not expecting anything - and to be morbid he would be dead if this were to happen, so would never know - but he might be upset if he realised that his wishes don't need to be adhered to.

Crosspost moment

He probably would be upset pretty but he'd probably be more upset if i was to suggest his wife is not to be trusted so I think I'll keep my silence on that one.

I'm with your mum on this. I can't believe your dad thinks that your step-mum of her own 'good will' would be so inclined to give you and your brother a single penny when the time comes. And as you say it might all be eaten up in care or whatever.
I'd inform your brother too. I don't know what your relationship with your father is like now but I'd be very hurt. It's not so much about money but the consideration. What a bastard.

Is there any way you could talk to your dad about leaving a few sentimental items now? I think the money is sometimes not the issue. It's the lack of thought, the 'nothing'. If your dad is OK to leave a ring, or tie pin or football cards anything personal to your DBro, that can soften the blow if there is one.

I got my granny's cow milk jug. She knew I loved it. Much better than money.

My brother would probably love to have my dads watch and his photographs from his time in the army. I will maybe ask on his behalf as it's an awkward conversation to have. The only thing I want is to know my father loved me and my mums thrown that into turmoil now as she's so convinced he's wronging us. I know she's just trying to look out for us though.

Yes your mum is BU and her feelings about your dad are probably colouring her judgement. As he is in England, your dad is entitled to leave his money to whoever he wants. Leaving your estate to your spouse is very common.

I would tell my brother now IIWY. It might be easier to deal with the feelings now, rather than later after the death.

Some small personal items for his grandchildren would be nice as they wont remember him. I have photographs for them though.

I can totally see we're your mum is coming from, I would mention it to your brother to keep him in the loop.

Bit shitty though 🙁

You need to prewarn your brother in my opinion and give him time to get used to it.

We have a similar situation in our family but my Ddad has kept money separate from SMIL so I know that we get everything that's 'his' (SMIL has said she wouldn't want to stay in the house anyway, has enough to get a new smaller one and obviously we'll give her the time she needs to move out). I'm pretty certain Step Sister and Brother think they're getting a share of the house and it's going to be messy when my DF passes but it's his wishes.

You sound very grounded - don't let your mum's own emotional baggage investment change your initial instinct

Your idea about the watch and some army photos is a good one. It also opens up the discussion with your dad in a constructive way- talking about something positive for your db to remember him by.

I would pre warn your brother. Is there anything in particular that makes you think can't trust his new wife or is it just that you don't know her very well?

outnumbered well I suppose it's just that she never made an effort to get to know us, and had an affair for who knows how long with my dad whilst he was married, not that I'm painting her out to be the baddy, I'm sure she loves my father very much. I also just doubt there would be anything left with the price of care these days also and her own kids might ask for lump sums of money etc (they're slightly younger than us so aren't married /don't own their own house yet). There could be any number of reasons I suppose that I think it's naive of him to think there would be a certain amount of money split 4 ways. She could live for another 30-40 years.

Your mother is not being unreasonable. I would be cross as hell for f my husband did this to my children. However you had best hold off telling your brother in case he has a sense of entitlement (he probably won't, your mother is just upset because you are her babies) but if he does you don't want you fatfer's lasy days to be ruined by a will fued.

Something similar happens to my dh. His mother died, father remarried some years later and then, after 10 yrs with stepmother, died leaving everything to her. She was about 60 & went on to have several long-term relationships, one where she invested in her dp's business, and has now married again in her 70s. She has 2 children from a previous marriage & we don't believe dh or his dsis will ever inherit anything. It's a little sad. His parents worked hard their whole lives and it is hard to think that all the money is gone from their family but it's just the way it goes. It's the sentimental items that are worse, personal things that had memories attached for dh & sis that meant nothing to stepmum so went in house-clearance. Dh has almost nothing to remember his parents by. I hope you can find a way to have some keepsakes op.
Will your dm not tell db regardless, if she is so cross? I hope you can find a way to have some keepsakes op.

Mum won't tell db anything as she'll think it's my place to say something.