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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with sister.

34 replies

AvenuesAndAlleyways · 18/09/2017 11:17

Getting different RL input as to whether IBU so thought I'd get some more views here.

DM and I try to get together once a fortnight for a couple of hours. Just a chat and a cuppa - sometimes it's for a vent or sharing a problem but a lot of the time it'll be catching up re kids/grandkids or talking about current events. I'm one of 6 children and she has always been careful to make sure none of us get left out due to her having a big family (she's one of 6 herself.)

DSis is the youngest, 10 years younger than me and split up with her husband last year. ExBil is undoubtedly a twat and she's better off without him but is struggling with the change to being a single mum. We've all pitched in with childcare and support ( one of the advantages of a big family) but a lot of it has fallen on DM. Dsis has dinner at the family home a couple of times a week and will ring DM regularly.

Last week DM mentioned that she was coming to mine on Wednesday and Dsis called me to say she was picking her up and can she come too? Was a bit annoyed as the last few times we met up I had my DC there and so adult conversations weren't possible but I hadn't seen Dsis for a few weeks so said OK. Nice catch up but dynamic was different and it felt wrong to moan about DH snorting in his sleep etc when she's alone and otherwise I have a good marriage. When she left she said she could drive DM next week so that DSF doesn't have to - I told her I didn't know what I'm doing next week and if DSF can't do it I can walk to DM's house after school run.

Dsis texted yesterday to say she's arranged with DM to regularly come with her on a Wednesday. AIBU to 1. want to arrange my own time with my own mother 2. want to have separate time with DM and Dsis?

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 18/09/2017 11:27

No, you are not BU on either front. Can you do every other with just your mum? It sounds like one you should get your mum to tackle with her to be honest, rather than trying to explain it yourself. Classic mum mediation.

Moanyoldcow · 18/09/2017 11:30

No, you're not at all unreasonable.

peachgreen · 18/09/2017 11:37

Nope, you're not BU. My brother does this to me and it drives me mad.

Allthewaves · 18/09/2017 11:41

Your not bu. Perhaps arrange to have have a catch up with each of them separately then sis won't feel left out.

crazycatlady5 · 18/09/2017 11:49

Hmmm, sounds like your sister just wants more time with you both?!

Idontevencareanymore · 18/09/2017 11:57

Is she lonely?
Yanbu but I'd be looking at why she's suddenly wanting to meet with you and dm if she's not previously.

Could you arrange a day with sister?

MaitlandGirl · 18/09/2017 12:01

DP only has a brother and whenever he goes to their parents for a meal MIL invites us too. We try and only go to 1 out of 3 of the meals (so he can see the kids) as we see the in laws at least three times a week and he doesn't see his parents anywhere near as often.

MIL gets a bit upset that we don't always go around but we don't like to always be there as it's not fair on BIL.

If you explain to your mum she should understand.

highinthesky · 18/09/2017 12:02

Total empathy with you being PO'd with DSis.

If we swapped you'd be begging to have yours back in 2 minutes flat. Mine's in permanent selfish bitch mode, has been from day 1.

QueenofallIsee · 18/09/2017 12:05

You are not being unreasonable at all! Please do tell your sister that it won't work for you to have an allocated 'slot' and thanks for trying to help, but you will just arrange with your Mum as and when

Tinty · 18/09/2017 12:08

Do you arrange a meet up with DSis every week or just with DM? Does your DSis really enjoy the time with DM and you maybe.

You have all been really helpful and kind, helping her with childcare but does she see you at all other than looking after the DC? Maybe she would like to see you when you are not just looking after DC for her. You mention you hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and she goes to DM's twice a week. Maybe she is trying to fill the time when she would normally have been home with her ExDH. It must be a huge adjustment from being two adults at home to coping with everything on your own.

I think it would be nice to let her come for a while, she may not need it so much in a few more months.

redemptionsongs · 18/09/2017 12:20

yeah i'm on the side of thinking she wants to spend more time with both of you - perhaps she's trying in a way to say thank you for the extra support you've given? I suppose it's unfortunately disrupting your routines - but unless she's controlling or you feel she's trying to edge you out, i suspect she's just lonely. I'd let it go and pick it up in a few months if it's bothering you a lot.

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 12:21

YANBU

Talk to your mum, and let your know that you want some 1 on 1 time with her.

I feel the same as you about time with my mother (which my sister tries to intrude on). I also really like to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughters who are now young adults.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/09/2017 12:24

Reply by text to DSis recent text - "Oh. That changes things a bit. I'm sure you understand but the Wed slot with mum is my only free time to have a good old chin wag with her. She is so busy the rest of the week and the atmosphere changes when anyone else is there, including *John! We can meet up on Thursday or Saturday mornings when the kids have gone to X, Y or Z activities. How does that suit you?"

*name changed and you should put your DH's name in there or another of your siblings names.

Also by offering to meet her a different day, you're not dismissing her entirely, just shifting the goalposts a bit.

Original poster

AvenuesAndAlleyways · 18/09/2017 12:37

Thanks for all the input - it helps to think about it from another perspective.

She isn't vindictively selfish but being the baby of the family she has form for only thinking of herself and getting her own way by throwing her toys out of the pram (which I am desperately trying not to do myself!) but I do believe she genuinely thinks she's being helpful by offering lifts. What got my back up was being dictated to and maybe I wasn't thinking of the bigger picture of her loneliness. I don't want to be a smug married I'm-alright-Jack but I hope I can do that without losing my time with DM.

I will try to meet up with her separately and see if that helps.

OP posts:

ShiftyLookingBadger · 18/09/2017 12:39

YANBU, but I would keep schtum as it sounds like your sister might get alot more out of being able to spend time with you both. I would agree to this regular arrangement but then take DM out for ad hoc coffee without DSis whenever you like to have your usual chats.

Floellabumbags · 18/09/2017 12:45

It sounds like she's lonely and needs you. Maybe try to go along with it for a couple of weeks until she gets herself back together.

guilty100 · 18/09/2017 12:47

Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean it nastily at all. But is there any chance that you feel just a bit aggrieved at the amount of time that your sister's situation is taking out of your DM's (and wider family) life? You say she's the baby of the family and hasn't really ever got used to taking responsibility, which makes me think of a family in which care isn't distributed very evenly. You're being lovely in acknowledging your sister's need for a greater level of support right now, but if this is the latest in a series of events where one thing after another has meant that your sister has laid claim to a greater share of your DM's time and attention than other siblings, I can see how it could lead to slight resentment, even though you (sensibly and rightly) do acknowledge her greater claims right now. When you're dictated to as to your precious "slot" with your DM, it would rankle. It can actually be remarkably painful to be forced to be constantly selfless and grown up in the face of such relationships, and when the one slot of time you do have is ruined, it is actually a big loss.

Dustysparrow · 18/09/2017 12:48

I do see where you are coming from OP but I can imagine that after the break up of her marriage and the sudden change to being a single parent struggling to raise children on her own she must be feeling very vulnerable, lonely and probably quite fearful of what the future holds. Naturally she is turning to her family for comfort and support and that includes being around you all more. I think to make thing out of this with her right now at such a sensitive time would probably feel like another form of rejection (albeit minor in comparison to suddenly having no husband), so although yes I can understand your frustration I would suggest you should tread gently with this. You are her big sister and she is probably confident in your unconditional love and support for her, it would be sad to shake that in her. Ordinarily I would say YANBU but in these circumstances you might have to bite your tongue until she is feeling a bit stronger in herself.

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 13:05

@Dustysparrow I think to make thing out of this with her right now at such a sensitive time would probably feel like another form of rejection

I disagree. Even when someone has something go badly in their life, it doesn't give them the right to intrude on other people's relationships. The reason I suggested talking to the mother than the other sister is that the mother can more easily point out that she spends time 1 on 1 with both daughters. There's no rejection or nastiness about it.

But I could be projecting because my sister is a real piece of work!

lynmilne65 · 18/09/2017 13:08

I would love to have parents but they died so long ago☹️

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/09/2017 13:11

Talk to your mother first.
Yanbu to hope to see the two of them separately.

newmum129 · 18/09/2017 13:15

YANBU however it sounds like your Dsis is lonely and struggling with the separation still-could you suggest a different time for you to meet with Dsis on a regular basis? So you're still getting quality time with your DM but also spending time with your Dsis?

Also it's very considerate of you not to talk/complain about your DH whilst Dsis is there but you can't always tip-toe around not talking about DH I'm sure your Dsis won't mind you talking about him as it's not your relationship that's ended it's hers.

Original poster

AvenuesAndAlleyways · 18/09/2017 13:18

guilty Not taking it the wrong way at all. That definitely occurred to me but I don't think so - SIL has more help from DM as her mum died when her DC were tiny, other Dsis doesn't live locally so she gets significantly less and I know as a SAHM I don't need that kind of help. Also I had horrific PND with 2 of 3 DC and had more help then so I understand it's about equity not equality.

OP posts:

Isetan · 18/09/2017 13:26

Interesting, hoe does yoir Mum feel because so far, this catch up with your mum is all about you. In addition, your Dad's had to be available to drop off your Mum to facilitate the 'catch up' too.

Grown up children getting territorial over Mum and Dad just sounds petty. Before you start throwing your toys out of your pram, maybe talk to your Mum, she may of made the suggestion in the first place.

Gemini69 · 18/09/2017 13:30

this would annoy me OP... YANBU

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