To be pissed off with sister.

[AvenuesAndAlleyways]

Getting different RL input as to whether IBU so thought I'd get some more views here.

DM and I try to get together once a fortnight for a couple of hours. Just a chat and a cuppa - sometimes it's for a vent or sharing a problem but a lot of the time it'll be catching up re kids/grandkids or talking about current events. I'm one of 6 children and she has always been careful to make sure none of us get left out due to her having a big family (she's one of 6 herself.)

DSis is the youngest, 10 years younger than me and split up with her husband last year. ExBil is undoubtedly a twat and she's better off without him but is struggling with the change to being a single mum. We've all pitched in with childcare and support ( one of the advantages of a big family) but a lot of it has fallen on DM. Dsis has dinner at the family home a couple of times a week and will ring DM regularly.

Last week DM mentioned that she was coming to mine on Wednesday and Dsis called me to say she was picking her up and can she come too? Was a bit annoyed as the last few times we met up I had my DC there and so adult conversations weren't possible but I hadn't seen Dsis for a few weeks so said OK. Nice catch up but dynamic was different and it felt wrong to moan about DH snorting in his sleep etc when she's alone and otherwise I have a good marriage. When she left she said she could drive DM next week so that DSF doesn't have to - I told her I didn't know what I'm doing next week and if DSF can't do it I can walk to DM's house after school run.

Dsis texted yesterday to say she's arranged with DM to regularly come with her on a Wednesday. AIBU to 1. want to arrange my own time with my own mother 2. want to have separate time with DM and Dsis?

Isetan I would hope DM gets something out of our meet ups; she's my mum but she's also a woman in her own right and we are friends on that basis as well as mother and daughter. We recently had a debate about WASPI women and she totally changed my perspective on the subject by making me see something from the point of view of her generation that hadn't occurred to me.

As I said in the OP, I am willing to walk to DMs house - DSF is not essential to our meet ups and if he doesn't want to do it we can sort ourselves out.

Sounds as if your mum is OK with it.

I think it would be hard to tell her that you don't want your sister there as well.

Looks like you'll have to make other arrangements to see your mum without your sister.

I'm not saying your mother doesn't get anything out of your chats but does she know that you don't want anyone else around when you have them. If walking to her house is not a big deal, why are you only now thinking about it now that your Dad can't and your Sis can? Maybe your sis tagging along is not only about her but your mum too and maybe you're only thinking about you.

So you could walk to your mum but have only just thought about doing it on this threat? Maybe dsis has volunteered because she's thinking about your mum - are you always informed when your mum is unwell? As baby of the family your sis might be closer and know things you don't.

You've made assumptions that it's your sister muscling in on your Mum only chat territory but it appears you haven't given any thought that your Mum might be the instigator. Before you go all territorial, ask?

She doesn't always come to me and I'll quite often go to her house so it's not as if I only said I'd go there to thwart Dsis's plan. As I said before, it was being dictated to that got my back up - if DM said DSF couldn't/didn't want to bring her and she wanted Dsis to bring her I would be fine as she would want both of us there.

The responses here have made me rethink my reaction to the situation - I have spoken to DM and we agree that although we both like our time, Dsis is struggling and needs more support and not just with childcare. ExBIL has the kids this weekend and if she's not working I'm going to see if she wants to meet up. Also I'll see if she wants to continue to join DM and I for the time being.

I don't think yabu and although I see she might be lonely you should be careful all the same because once she joins in you will never get your time alone back with your mother and before you know it your sister will have her nose out of joint if you meet without her. I would text her back and say "it was lovely having you over, but those afternoons with mum are few and far between so feel free to join us from time to time but not regularly as it's time with mum I relish"

Be honest or you will never get rid and you will regret missing that time with your mother

Really? Are you 12? Is it really up to your mum to make sure she evenly divided her time between a bunch of adults?

If you want to exclude your sister from these catch ups with your mum then tell her that and tell her why.

I think that's a good result supporting your sister as she needs, well done op :)