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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my dad and this 'babysitter' he is touting?

30 replies

Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 11:53

hello I am AIBU virgin so please be nice

tis father's retirement do in May

My children see father very rarely (my parents divorced when I was little) and have visited his house maybe two or three times. They like him and he is very nice to them but they do not know his house or him very well.

He has invited us to his retirement party (daytime) but wants us to come the night before and stay over so we can have a family meal with half-brothers, maybe long-lost cousins, etc

Now I had assumed that this would be at his house since his girlfriend is a really good cook; they have huge table etc and we will have the dds with us (none of other people there have kids)

but today he said we would all be going to the local pub and the lady next door who had had five children of her own would be able to babysit and would this be ok? I would only be a mile down the road. Or they could come to the pub with us?

The dds have never been left with a babysitter, only ever with my mum. dd1 would prob be okay but if dd2 (2yrs) woke (which she could easily do in a strange place; last week when we were away in London I went out a few nights and every time I found her in bed with my mum who was with us as she had woken and got distressed) I don't know how she would react to a complete stranger going 'there there'

I think I sound like I am being unreasonable. I know that when they were married my mum and him disagreed on things like this. I don't want to seem unreasonable when it is his big weekend but this is not something I would normally do.

I can't take them to the pub. They go to bed at 7. A late night (9ish) is one thing but we're not talking about 9ish. I don't think it's the place for a 2 year old to be after 9 and she would be crazy tired and I would end up bfeeding her and I know he wouldn't approve.

The bottom line is, you can't go out late to the pub when you have kids, can you? That's one of the things about having kids. Isn't it?

I don't think I could relax with either scenario. I have said I am going to talk to dh. But what I really mean is 'I am going to talk to dh and tell him how much we really do not mean to do this'

so, court of mn. Rule.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 11:55

btw taking the kids to the pub was another of his suggestions

OP posts:
Original poster
Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 11:56

oh crap I have already said that

this is the thing with long complicated tales

OP posts:
NOTCADBURYCremeSquonk · 05/04/2007 11:58

If you don't leave your kids with babysitters to go to the pub, then you aren't going to start now. However, he has gone to a bit of trouble in arranging child care and has given it some thought, so you need to explain carefully that it is no reflection on his neighbour, but you don't feel comfortable with this arrangement.

Mumpbump · 05/04/2007 11:58

I did leave ds with my neighbour's nanny when he was very young, but that's slightly different as they knew what her childcaring capabilities were like and said she was very good. I guess sooner or later, you might want to leave your dc with a babysitter, but I can understand your reluctance to leave them with someone who is a complete stranger. Why don't you give this woman a call for a chat and see how you feel about her afterwards?

Original poster
Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 12:00

mump I have every faith in the woman's abilities

but dd wouldn't know who she was

OP posts:
Freckle · 05/04/2007 12:02

Is there any possibility of your dds meeting the b/sitter before hand and getting to know her? Maybe turning up in the afternoon and the b/sitter playing with your dds for a while so that she isn't a complete stranger?

Mumpbump · 05/04/2007 12:06

If it were me, I would go to the pub and just make sure I was back at a reasonable time. But my ds goes to nursery and so is used to being looked after by people other than me.

If you did go and there were problems, you're only a short way away so could be back in 5 minutes if you didn't drove and didn't so the lady would only have to hold the fort temporarily until you arrived to comfort your dd's.

I think leaving your dc in someone else's care is a hugely personal choice though and likely to be a very emotive one, so you just need to do whatever you are happy with...

ernest · 05/04/2007 12:07

how old is the other one, you say 1 is 2? TBH I don't think being a parent = never going out/ having a late night.

For me taking them to the pub is out of the question, but I think under normal circumstances the babysitter would be ok.

But these aren't normal circumstances, if you've nevr left them

Really, I'm not sure that's too healthy, "The bottom line is, you can't go out late to the pub when you have kids, can you? That's one of the things about having kids. Isn't it? " Likle I adi, did't see the age of the other dc, but that means you haven't been out for over 2 years??????

Time to get a baby sitter and start living again?

I'm no big party animaly btw, I don't drink at all, and in fact I'm crap at going out, but am trying now to go out once a week as think it's extremely important for the couple (and things have been 'difficult' and I think 1 thing is that we've stopped seeing each other as a couple but as parents, in fact, increasingly, dh like 4th kids!

How does dh feel about you 2 going out? Does he mind staying in all the time? Does he share your views on baby sitters?

What is his opinion on the party in MAy? What does he think would be best?

FlossALump · 05/04/2007 12:11

For one offs staying up late is fine. But in a pub I'm not sure the DC would be welcome that late and its not the sort of place that would be good for children IYSWIM. Over xmas we took ds to a party in the evening. Before we knew it it was 10pm and we needed to get DS home. Because of all the attention he behaved perfectly fine.

3easterbunniesandnomore · 05/04/2007 12:11

HM...i yo would be happy enough, as such , to leave your children with this woman...maybe you could get your lil one settled before you go out and well...you ain't gonna be all night out are you...and could always leave the number there, in case your lil one gets to distressed and she could call you to come home...

And I jsut amssively giggled at my own thickness then...I finally worked out what AIBU means....haha...gosh, took me long enough...didn't it....so glad I was to ashamed to ever query it, lol

KTeePee · 05/04/2007 12:14

Is your mum going to the "do" as well? If not, could you leave your dds with her for the night? Would it be feasible to go home the next morning to get your dds for the daytime party? I can't see either occassion being that interesting for your dds to be at tbh and your dad will be too busy with his guests to miss them.... maybe you could do something more child-friendly with him another time?

Original poster
Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 12:16

I do go out, I go out lots. I'm very lucky because my mum is near and she babysits.

But dd2 has never ever been left with someone else. And she's a clingy little feck.

It reads wrong doesn't it - I certainly didn't mean 'you can't go out' I meant that my dad seems to think it's easy to arrange childcare like this and it's not something I do

I think you're right it's emotive

OP posts:
Original poster
Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 12:18

I can't leave both dds with my mum overnight it would kill her

one of them is disabled and the other one is, er, a handful

she does lots and lots of daytime childcare etc but that would be too much for her I think

OP posts:
amidaiwish · 05/04/2007 12:18

i think you should go
get the babysitter to come over before they go to bed so at least your DDs have seen her
tell them you are going out and will be back later
if your DD wakes up and freaks out, then you can come back. you are only minutes away.

GO!

Original poster
Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 12:19

what I have just realised is that I am a bit pissed off with him

he has arranged all this including the woman next door without even asking if we are staying overnight

OP posts:
amidaiwish · 05/04/2007 12:21

i think it is really important to your father that you go to the meal
he has even gone out of his way to arrange a very suitable babysitter (he hasn't dragged some unknown teenager off the street)

amidaiwish · 05/04/2007 12:21

ok now you are being unreasonable.

NOTCADBURYCremeSquonk · 05/04/2007 12:23

He has done his best, cappucino - it's not what you would have chosen and I don't blame you in the slightest for not wanting to leave your kids with someone they don't know - I wouldn't do it. But your dad has tried to arrange everything to make things easier for you. My dad wouldn't think about things like that.

choosyfloosy · 05/04/2007 12:27

I think I would go tbh, although I know what you mean - I don't like leaving ds with someone he doesn't know. I would certainly want to meet the lady first, so at least a cup of tea with her. If she was totally unacceptable I would ask dh to stay! but I would go, in the end.

yomellamoHelly · 05/04/2007 12:29

Would get to your dad's early and ask his neighbour round for lunch (or failing that mid-afternoon coffee and bics) so your children can meet her beforehand and explain that she'll be looking after them that night. Make a show about giving her your phone number and putting it somewhere she'll always have it on her (to be confirmed when she arrives). Tell them you're only 15 minutes away and will come back if you're needed for any reason. May also help to give them something of yours to look after (if like my ds they're attached to familiar things).
Then go out and enjoy!

Mumpbump · 05/04/2007 12:38

I can understand that you might be a bit miffed at being presented with a fait accompli - my parents are like this! But, I am sure you realise that he is just trying to make sure that things are in place for your dc to take the worry out of your decision... I think the suggestion you go early and spend some time with your dc and the neighbour is a very good one. If you still don't want to go after that, then don't!

Original poster
Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 12:59

I guess you are all very reasonable and I am not

but when he said originally 'come and stay overnight for a family meal' I did expect that he meant a meal at home which is what has happened the other couple of times we went down

I know that he has made arrangements etc etc

but still.... am still unsure. I know that my kids have led a charmed existence with their granny down the road but I'm not used to leaving them with people that they don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
Cappuccino · 05/04/2007 13:01

in my own home maybe I would - but we are going to drive for a couple of hours, take dd to a place she won't remember full of people she doesn't know

and then leave her with a woman

I know it's not child abuse or anything but I'd rather not be the one dealing with it. She will wake late evening like she did when she was in London and I will arrive home to a bawling child who will then want to sleep with us all night

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 05/04/2007 13:11

I would leave the children with my mum - I know you say it will be too much for her but unless she has ill health i would expect her to be able to manage (obviously unless she says no in which case you don't have a choice)

The way i see it is my mum had 5 kids (2 step sons) and i was most definately a handfull so if she can cope with those she can cope with my kids. Same with mil, I've never left my kids with people they don't know either btw - apart from nursery/ school/ childminder.

pageturner · 05/04/2007 13:47

Can you leave your younger dd with your mum and just take the older one, who you thought would be OK? Or will separating them make it worse?

At worst, can dh stay behind and you go? I think it sounds like it means a lot for your dad for you to be there. And he has made an effort to make it OK for you. My father wouldn't think of any of that.

Hope you find a solution you're happy with.