To ask about your reaction to scarring from historic self harm?

[MrsMistoffilees]

I've name changed for this. I'm a newish but fairly regular poster (post penis beaker but pre CFNs)

My (female) DP used to self harm; hasn't for years but has some scarring on one of her arms. The scars look 'weathered' and are clearly old and faded; to be clear there are no scabs or open wounds etc, these are scars so old they have freckles on them.

My partner works in a field where a short-sleeved uniform is required, and has done so for many years. In spite of this she has never experienced any negative attention or comments about her scars.

However, a fairly new and senior member of staff has recently made various (and written) comments about her mental fitness to carry out her job. DP lives with anxiety, but this is not debilitative and is well-managed, and her mental health does not impact on her ability to do a high-pressure job.

My DP sees her scars as proof she survived a very traumatic episode in her life which is far in the past, but is aware this senior staff member is clearly judging her mental fitness on the scars, rather than her current performance. No concerns have been raised about DP'S work, btw, but senior staff member has implied that DP is mentally unwell and actively self harming despite a lack of evidence.

DP is now pursuing this through HR with the support of her union. But this evening she is very sad and angry about what she sees as discrimination and, well, injustice.

AIBU to ask you about how you react when you see historic self-injury scarring and if you feel senior staff member is justified in maligning DP's current mental health through the existence of these scars? Is this discrimination?
Many thanks.

She should completely take that up with HR, that is completely out of order. I have self harm scars myself, no one has ever commented on them but I've seen a few people spot them iyswim.

If I see anyone with self harm scars it makes me feel sad that they've ever felt awful enough to do that, but also pleased for them if they're obviously old as they are obviously coping better now.

I would think the same as your dp, that she had been through a difficult time in the past and come through it.

As a manager I wouldn't even bring it up. Especially if my report had been long in her role before I came along and presumably had a history of fulfilling the role. I imagine there could be some roles where it may be complicated, eg if your dp was working in mental health, but I wouod expect she would have been cleared by occupational health prior to employment in that case.

Anyway, it is not really up to the manager to make any kind of mental health diagnosis. They should be looking at whether the job is being done.

I have visible scars, not from self harm but you couldnt tell. You can see they are bad. I dont see how anyone can decide if a scar is from self harm, an injury, or an operation. The fact people choose to judge says more about them than the person they are judging.
Senior staff should know better. People are protected be in the workplace from this kind of harassment. I hope your DP gets a good outcome.

Thank you everyone, I will pass these replies on to DP - really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

When I was a teenager self harm was quite fashionable, something to do with being deep, so I don't tend to connect it with mental health at all.

If she's survived a shark attack she'd be encouraged to show off her scars and tell her story. There's no shame in having lived.

I would see someone who has overcome tough times. I wouldn't at all question her ability, though I might be more aware of any signs she needed support. People who have moved on from difficult times have an insight into the darkest experience of others.

I have visible SH scars. I don't think people notice them as much as I'd expect them to - I mentioned them to a good friend at work a couple of years ago and she hadn't noticed. If they're healed they're usually not so obvious.

If anyone asks I usually say something along the lines of "yeh, life was a bit too exciting in the wrong ways when I was a teenager". Actually it carried on long into my twenties, but it seems to be less remarkable if I claim it was my teens.

I would admire them for having survived and carried on with their life. Your DP sounds amazing, she got past this and now has a job and a relationship. She is to be admired in my opinion.

One of the teachers at the school I work at has self harm scars. I momentarily felt a bit sorry for her younger self then forgot about it until now.

I would think that they aren't anything to be proud of but neither to be ashamed of. Would just assume she's been part of "that scene" when younger.

If they are clearly old then that's all I'd think, completely different to fresh or new scars.

I'm appalled that the senior staff member has any opinion about it at all. It's none of his/her business if your partner has scars. I don't know if it's discrimination but it might be harassment, especially if no concerns have been raised about your partner's performance. I hope the union will help.

As for me, when I notice scars I think the person is probably someone really brave who has come through a lot. That's certainly the case with the people I know well who have self harm scars.

This senior person is an arsehole. What a nosy pokes busy body! I have a few friends with SH harm scars and I used to be a teacher, so I saw lots on older teens. I would never comment on them; they are the same as surgery scars or scars from a dog bite etc. I.e you have survived something.

I'm passing these answers on, and DP is very grateful. She doesn't flaunt herself but isn't ashamed either. I agree that senior staff member is harassing her, and not supporting her in any way (and is in fact causing more anxiety through her actions)

Scars shouldn't be perceived as anything to be ashamed of.

By definition they are a healed wound.

Whether through self harm or external trauma, scars are represent what you have lived through and survived.

If I notice at all my reaction to scars is simply to be glad that person has come through the other side of x trauma.

Tell her she is brave for coming out the other side and she is doing the right thing going to HR. Scars are scars are scars. None of my business. I would think to myself how sad that someone went through something like that feeling that way, but i would be impressed with their strength for coming through it. I work with people with self harm scars. We never mention it unless they casually mention them. So not taboo, just none of our business.

Fashionable?? That scene??

That's so awful for her and totally out of order of this senior staff member. Her past is her past and for most people it would be invisible.

I was never part of a 'scene' as someone put it. I got to my 30s without self harming (although had had plenty of mental torment) but an awful case at work, my nephew dying and some other stuff caused me to kind of turn on myself and brought up abuse from my childhood. I made a right bloody mess of my arms.

I'm so ashamed and hardly ever where short sleeve tops. Only 1 friend knows and no relatives. I feel like a prisoner in my own body.

I was working in a hospital job with bare beneath the elbow and I've changed to community because of my scars. I feel like I can't go back because of attitudes like this persons.

I HATE how people might make assumptions or realise I'd been abused.

This person needs pulling up on their attitude

Burn

When I was a teenager there was definitely the emo kids that cut themselves just for the scars rather than any emotional distress. Some of them would do it to each other in the bathrooms and later show them off- almost like tattoos. It was a thing.

My sh scars are my battle wounds, they reflect a time that I wouldn't ever want to revisit but that helped mould me into the person I am today and I strongly feel that it's nobody else's fucking business why or how they got there or why I don't do it anymore (I still feel the urge tbh) unless I choose to share that information. Anyone else, from a colleague to my boss to the Queen of England, has no right to raise any "concerns" because they know shit about me. Your DP needs to complain.

I'd think she was a brave person who came through a difficult time. I'd judge her ability to do the job purely on, you know, her ability to do the job, which she clearly can. Senior person is an absolute twat who clearly knows fuck all, and HR need to haul them over the coals.

Sorry, I'm not usually sweary but I've just been watching something that upset me on the telly then I read this and was a bit - I think the word is - triggered. But honestly it makes me so angry that people can make assumptions. My scars show that I hurt me, not anyone else!

Seriously previous posters? 'Fashionable'? 'That scene?'

OP, I would definitely take this up with HR. Most people would not react to self harm scars as this person has to your DP and I hope this thread shows that (bar the two comments above )

Your DP has battle scars. She has come out the other side. That is how I feel. A former colleague who now has a very senior post has a lot of very serious self harm scars - arms and legs both. She is open about it. She has BPD and has fought so hard to come out as a functioning and wonderful human being. Your DP is just like that.

This colleague is lower than worms. Tell your DP she is a hero.

I hope the union wipe the bloody floor with them. I have lots of self harm scars. Very old, but obvious because they are raised and there are hundreds of them. I try to keep them covered even though I've not done it for years because people judge.

Self harm has never once impacted on my ability to do a job other than a need to work somewhere with long sleeves.

The odd time I do catch a glimpse of someone else's scars I move my eyes quickly but I'm mentally high fiving them.