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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is turning into a "feeder"?

76 replies

StickySweatyArseCrack · 17/09/2017 19:25

I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what.

4 months ago I joined a gym, absolutely love it and go most days. I was never overweight to start with (just flabby and a bit heavier than I wanted to be!) but in 4 months I've lost a stone in weight and am starting to look quite toned. I have "abs" coming through and have lost a number of inches from my body. I also look healthier and feel so much better. Whenever I mention it to DH he seems uninterested and says I was fine as I was.

As part of my health kick I stopped drinking (was bordering on being alcoholic drinking wine most evenings and getting drunk 3 nights a week at home). I'm still very tempted by it if it's in the house however so I don't buy it. DH however, without fail will suggest we get wine in for the weekend despite me asking him not to tempt me with it. He'll also routinely offer me beer. I cave to the wine but not the beer - so he's taken to buying wine in every weekend.

He also seems to be trying to get me to eat more. Frying everything, bringing me packets of crisps and suggesting takeaways every 5 minutes.

What has tipped my suspicion over the edge is that he's just made a beautiful empire chicken dish with spiced roasties. He called me in to get it and my plate was visibly (and very obviously!) piled up much more that anyone else's - including his own. I questioned him on it ("why have you given me so much more than everyone else?") and he ignored me and said he hadn't. There were over 6 roasties, a chicken leg and a chicken breast on mine. He had 4 roasties and chicken breast.

Whilst I was eating I said "I won't be able to eat all this but it is lovely, do you want some more on yours?". He didn't look at me but said "we'll just sort it out later"??? So when is eaten enough I said "that was lovely! What do you want me to do with this chicken and roasties that are left over?". He said "eat them!"

He knows my goals and why they're important to me. Is he just being thoughtless or is it more sinister?

OP posts:

Henrysmycat · 17/09/2017 23:19

I'm still wondering how you are going to cage fight at that height with that low weight? Are you gonna drop your body fat down to 6% or something?
If I was your partner I'd be bored too and worried. And I say that as a "clean eating" bore with personal-trainer-4-times-a-week habit and a bikini comp past.

DistanceCall · 18/09/2017 00:20

HelenaDove, I didn't meant to say that the OP was frumpy before. I meant that her partner probably saw her that way and thus as "safe".

HelenaDove · 18/09/2017 00:27

Ah i see.

TrailingWife · 18/09/2017 02:24

Another thought -- may be you have an addictive personality. Before, you overused/misused alcohol. Now, may be you are over exercising/eating too strictly. What ever the root problem is, it's still there, just being channeled in a different direction.

But if you are over drinking, you'll get along with one set of people, and if you are over exercising, you'll get along with a different set of people.

You could try actually aiming for true moderation in your life, rather than bouncing around to being extreme in different areas of life. For some of us, the middle path is harder than the extremes, but healthier.

NikiBabe · 18/09/2017 03:07

Your DH may be worried. I am 5'4 and 10st but alot of it is muscle tone as I work out alot.

At 5'10 and 10st your BMI was 20. At 9st7lbs your BMI will be 19 which is just a sliver above being underweight for your height.

As yourself why your weight matters so much to you and why you are determined to be the absolute minimum recommended weight for your height. As my PT said forget the scale, are your fit healthy and lean and base it on measurements instead, waist, hips.

Chicken is also lean meat and a source of protein. A chicken leg and 2 extra roasties wont make you obese.

I dont your DH has the problem.

MistressDeeCee · 18/09/2017 03:29

A huge plateful of carbs + loads of alcohol. Is he trying to give you a heart attack?! He is clearly worried about you losing weight, and I think becoming more attractive in others' eyes - but what he is doing is wrong. Why can't you call him out on it? He's your man.

As for BMI - hopefully you know which weight makes you look and feel best. Im over my recommended BMI but I look bloody terrible in the correct range - thin, straight up & down. At present Im curvy, but not fat and I don't intend to slim myself into haggardness.

But anyway the overfeeding isn't good, the huge portion sizes your DH is offering you are a definite no-no and it needs to be addressed with him

Ignore some people suggesting he may find you boring re alcohol - its perfectly possible to have a glass or 2, you don't need to neck a bottle of wine/be drunk to be fun, thats saddo territory

Congrats on the weight loss and feeling better about yourself

Skittlesandbeer · 18/09/2017 03:45

I think it's time to spell it out for him...let him know you've noticed he isn't supporting your health goals with wine and fatty food. Whether he admits it or not, put him on notice. He needs to have a good hard think about the future.

You being better-looking and healthier won't cause you to seek out new love opportunities, but him not supporting your goals, and actively sabotaging them, might well.

When I made the decision to cut back 90% of my drinking, my dh (also quite a drinker) took the opportunity to drink a bit less. He also searched out some no-alcohol beers for me, made me endless cups of tea and kept his drinks 'hidden' from me as best he could so I wouldn't be as tempted!

Phalenopsisgirl · 18/09/2017 04:12

I'm 5' 8 and am slim at 11.7. Much below 11stone I look a little unhealthy. Obviously some people have different body shapes etc, (I'm broad shouldered) but I do wonder if you aren't seeing yourself clearly.

nooka · 18/09/2017 04:57

I'm 5'10" and a few years ago went on a healthy eating and exercise drive with my dh. We'd both got a bit chubby post babies and wanted to live more healthily. It was really good to start with, we ate better but still very tasty food, worked out a couple of time a week together and cycled to work. I got slighter and leaner but my best figure/strength was at about 11 stone (I lost a lot of fat and gained a fair bit of muscles so was a lot more trim, went from a 14 to a 10). I did get pretty flat chested though.

After a while dh got really into it, going to the gym much more, eating a pretty extreme diet and talking about his training a lot. It was pretty alienating to be honest, especially the diet.

So OP your dh may be actively sabotaging you for reasons others have suggested, or he may feel that your new lifestyle is shutting him out. Have a think about how much your training dominates your life. Is there still room for any of the previous interests you shared with your dh? Have you got a good balance or might you have gone a bit overboard perhaps?

Jammydodger81 · 18/09/2017 07:50

Exh used to do that to me. I'd go on a diet and work out and lose weight and he'd go to the petrol garage and buy me 3 chocolate bars. I'd say no, he'd huff and say he was just trying to be nice. I'd give in and eat one. Then I'd be angry at both him and myself. He was an EA wanker and would sabotage me in many other ways too... getting drunk when I had a night out planned so I couldn't leave the children with him, creating dramas when I was in the middle of decorating, wanting me to stay up really late when I had a big day at work ahead. All little things but definitely a pattern. He was afraid of me succeeding because he had no drive to do anything. Me achieving something made him feel bad.

I've finally got rid of him this year and am starting my degree in Feb, am slimmer than I've ever been and am slowly decorating the house (on my child free weekends). I don't know if this rings true for you OP or anyone else reading but this was definitely part of his abuse.

becotide · 18/09/2017 07:53

AT 10 stone and 5'10, hes perhaps genuinely concerned that you're still trying to lose weight and has tried to put you, in his addled head, on a "maintenance diet", not realising the huge difference in calorific needs between men or women.

5rivers7hills · 18/09/2017 08:48

Love that anyone who is fat gets told how amazing they are, and anyone a healthy weigh gets told their goal is too thin and they will look horrible.

Your weight, your goal and your exercise sound great to me OP.

I'm 5'9 and at the point in my life when I was going to the gym loads (and not drinking wine!!!) I weighed 9st and 3/4 and I looked seriously hot :-)

NikiBabe · 18/09/2017 09:06

Love that anyone who is fat gets told how amazing they are, and anyone a healthy weigh gets told their goal is too thin and they will look horrible.

There is currently a thread about a woman spending hundreds of £ on a new wardrobe of high end clothes because she went up 2 dress sizes after a baby but wants to deny her husband his brothers stag do abroad because of cost. Several people have asked her why she didnt lose the weight so your remark isnt true.

The OP is amost almost 6 foot tall. Just 2 inches away from 6ft and she wants to be 9st7lbs.....! That is my goal and im 5ft4. In order to get my bmi to 19 like the op Id have to get down to about 7.5stone.

The op also seems to do cage fighting. At that weight you could knock her down with a feather.

This might be a case of genuine worry. Why does everyone assume abuse when its a man on this site. Feeder ffs.

C8H10N4O2 · 18/09/2017 09:32

Nowhere does the OP in that thread says quite clearly she had to replace a basic working wardrobe from high street shops, because her pre pregnancy clothes didn't fit. Her body has changed its shape. Nowhere does she suggest it was 'hundreds'.

She has been body shamed and her wardrobe translated into Chanel meets Jimmy Choo by the magic of MN, because apparently her husband's overpriced drinking weekend (> £500) is more important than her having clothes for work.

Its a total delight of a thread.

C8H10N4O2 · 18/09/2017 09:32

"The OP" that should be not "nowhere does the OP"

5rivers7hills · 18/09/2017 09:50

So you're saying a nice healthy BMI of 19 is unachivable for you, so the OP shouldn't be a healthy weight either?

I can't really comment on the cage fighting but I suspect that if the OP does go down that route she will have to be even more careful about what she eats and drinks. My friend fights at a high (but amateur) level in a martial art and his diet is super important. Lots of protein. Drinks rarely. Lots of training. Then before a fight he goes on a cut to get down to his fighting weight.

5rivers7hills · 18/09/2017 09:52

Anyway OP - your DH has lost his buddy hasn't he? Rather than hang out together eating and drinking you're down the gym all the time.

So I can see why he is a bit sad.

I've been a bit annoyed that lots of my friends have gone veggie, gluten free, everything free because now I only have a couple of friends who want to meet up and share an antipasti platter of meat with a bottle of wine!

NikiBabe · 18/09/2017 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NikiBabe · 18/09/2017 10:12

Starve yourself to kingdom come op.

Enjoy!

Jammydodger81 · 18/09/2017 11:25

19 isn't underweight though NikiBabe. And the OP isn't starving herself but interesting that you equate that with being slim.

You and others have been horrible to the other OP referenced above, I was utterly gobsmacked when reading it this morning, posters going on about her not thinking about her family when stuffing down the double portions etc. although I know that wasn't you.

Original poster

StickySweatyArseCrack · 18/09/2017 11:41

Woah this has turned a bit nasty! I'm not starving myself and i don't go on about my diet all the time (at least I don't think I do!?). DH has never expressed concern that I'm too thin, nor did he ever comment on my heavier weight. He doesn't want me cage fighting but that's nothing to do with my weight, it's more because he thinks I'm too delicate 😁

OP posts:

becotide · 18/09/2017 11:47

Have you asked him why he's govng you bigger meals than he used to?

OfaFrenchmind2 · 18/09/2017 22:40

I really do not get some of the comments on this thread. They are pointlessly aggressive, as if OP's personal choice of being slim and toned are an attack on them. OP, you are your own priority, you have your goals and your dreams, do not derail them because your husband is "sad because he lost his buddy". This is your life, your health (did everybody forget that OP was afraid of being borderline alcoholic?), so kudos on your willpower and always keep your well being in mind.

pp2017 · 18/09/2017 23:28

I feel your pain - my OH didn't try fattening me back up when I lost 4stone but he did start getting narky about me going out with friends; he didn't give a shit when I was overweight!!!

Men are hard bloody work, full stop 😡

DistanceCall · 19/09/2017 11:39

Men are hard bloody work, full stop

That's your husband. Other men are not so insecure that they try to stop their partners going out with friends when they lose weight. Some men actually support their partners in feeling better about themselves.

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