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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is turning into a "feeder"?

76 replies

StickySweatyArseCrack · 17/09/2017 19:25

I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what.

4 months ago I joined a gym, absolutely love it and go most days. I was never overweight to start with (just flabby and a bit heavier than I wanted to be!) but in 4 months I've lost a stone in weight and am starting to look quite toned. I have "abs" coming through and have lost a number of inches from my body. I also look healthier and feel so much better. Whenever I mention it to DH he seems uninterested and says I was fine as I was.

As part of my health kick I stopped drinking (was bordering on being alcoholic drinking wine most evenings and getting drunk 3 nights a week at home). I'm still very tempted by it if it's in the house however so I don't buy it. DH however, without fail will suggest we get wine in for the weekend despite me asking him not to tempt me with it. He'll also routinely offer me beer. I cave to the wine but not the beer - so he's taken to buying wine in every weekend.

He also seems to be trying to get me to eat more. Frying everything, bringing me packets of crisps and suggesting takeaways every 5 minutes.

What has tipped my suspicion over the edge is that he's just made a beautiful empire chicken dish with spiced roasties. He called me in to get it and my plate was visibly (and very obviously!) piled up much more that anyone else's - including his own. I questioned him on it ("why have you given me so much more than everyone else?") and he ignored me and said he hadn't. There were over 6 roasties, a chicken leg and a chicken breast on mine. He had 4 roasties and chicken breast.

Whilst I was eating I said "I won't be able to eat all this but it is lovely, do you want some more on yours?". He didn't look at me but said "we'll just sort it out later"??? So when is eaten enough I said "that was lovely! What do you want me to do with this chicken and roasties that are left over?". He said "eat them!"

He knows my goals and why they're important to me. Is he just being thoughtless or is it more sinister?

OP posts:
gingergenius · 17/09/2017 20:22

People do this when our life changes make them feel uncomfortable about themselves. Is he insecure about himself? Call him on it, calmly and kindly, every single time. Saying it out loud makes it much harder to ignore.

I.e. Darling you know I'm trying to cut back on x. You know I've asked for your support on this. Can you please take it and put it elsewhere. Thanks (mwah etc)

It calls him out. He then needs to acknowledge his sabotaging behaviour ;and he's sabotaging because if HIS issues).

Rinse and repeat.

I also have to follow this advice with my own OH!

PricklyBall · 17/09/2017 20:23

I was wondering what the "cage fighting" comment upthread was about, then I saw your other thread. If you want to get into MMA, I'd have thought you'd want to be carrying a lot of muscle bulk, and it's unlikely you'd be able to manage this at 5'10" and your target weight of 9st7. (Back when I was a nipper I was quite serious about rowing - but unfortunately realised I wasn't tall enough for a heavyweight crew, and couldn't keep my weight down low enough for a lightweight crew because my fit and muscular weight was 9st 7 even though I'm only 5'3",) I'm doubling down on my comment earlier - you need to have a serious think about why you want to be 9st 7 when you're already in the lower half of healthy weight for your height, especially if you want to excel in a sport which requires great muscular strength (if you had aspirations to being a distance runner that would be different).

naomi83mother · 17/09/2017 20:24

He thinks you will start to fancy other men and other men will fancy you.

Gingernaut · 17/09/2017 20:25

Another vote for sabotage.

Your target weight is not unhealthy and you may not lose that much, as muscle has greater density than fat.

You may end up losing inches and changing shape, but you may not necessarily lose all the weight you intend to before you decide "enough's enough".

You've done amazingly well. Envy

He is turning into a feeder and jealousy and insecurity may be to blame.

Miserylovescompany2 · 17/09/2017 20:26

If he's concerned/worried he needs to tell you this - rather than this not so covert mission of fattening you up?

Yes, he sounds like a FEEDER!

I'd have it out with him before he starts cooking everything in lard...

Softkitty2 · 17/09/2017 20:28

He is sabotaging you and doesn't want you to feel good about yourself.
Maybe he is insecure. Ask him why he is not supporting your choices

ReanimatedSGB · 17/09/2017 20:30

Yes, he's sabotaging your weight loss. Before you tackle him, have a hard think about what your marriage was like before you started losing weight, though: were you insecure and grateful for any complements from him? Did you frequently end up falling in line with his wishes just because it was easier and avoided rows?

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 17/09/2017 20:30

DP just doesn't think about portion sizes - he's > 6' and I'm less than an inch over 5', and he serves us up the same meals - but it's thoughtless. This does seem more intentional.

You need to have a talk to him though - because your weight goals do seem quite low - I'd be happy at 9 stone at nearly 1 foot shorter for instance - it may not be nefarious, may just be concern being badly expressed.

happypoobum · 17/09/2017 20:32

It sounds as though he has taken your lifestyle changes as a Declaration of War.

He is trying to sabotage you.

Next time he overloads your plate, just get up, put what you don't want into tupperware and tell him you/he will have it tomorrow. I would also tell him that if he keeps offering you wine you will just have to go out in the evenings to avoid him.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 17/09/2017 20:43

It does sound like he's a feeder, but if I was told I wasn't allowed to have a glass of wine at home ever because my boyfriend didn't want any, I would struggle with that.

HelenaDove · 17/09/2017 20:43

Distance Call i certainly dont see myself as frumpy and safe What a misogynistic comment. And my end weight is OPs starting weight.

Etymology23 · 17/09/2017 20:44

That BMI, combined with large amounts of muscle will be likely to mean you are really quite thin. Some doctors would prefer the "healthy" boundaries to be at 20, rather than 18, as mortality rates start shifting upwards at that point.

KungFuEric · 17/09/2017 20:46

I think sometimes it's difficult when someone changes who they are when you liked the person they were.

Maybe he found you more fun before when you'd share a drink with him and now he sees that you are drifting apart

d270r0 · 17/09/2017 20:47

Personally I think hes worried about you. Worried you're losing too much and that you'll keep going and not stop. Perhaps worried you've got a little bit too obsessed over it? Particularly if he liked you as you were before.

HelenaDove · 17/09/2017 20:48

BadCity i agree with that. DH has plenty of his fave foods in. I just dont eat them.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2017 20:55

Could it be he's a little bored with it? He doesn't like the change? Sometimes when someone is so focused, it gets a little dull for everyone else, it's not so fun anymore. He also could be worried about you and how much you're eating versus exercising. So he's trying to snap you out of it.

I doubt it he's a feeder, but I would talk to him and understand if he has concerns.

TrailingWife · 17/09/2017 20:56

There are a lot of "bad" reasons why men don't want their woman to lose weight that have already been brought up (pressure to be in better shape themselves, insecurity, fear of losing her). There are others that aren't so negative.

  • May be he misses your boobs. Or hips. Some of the places we keep fat, men like. Wink

  • May be he worries that you are getting obsessive about your eating, drinking, and work out. He may be worried that something is just off with you.

  • May be you were more fun to live with when your eating and drinking were more relaxed.

I do question why, when you are smack dab in the middle of the healthy weight range for your height, you want to lose more. I question if there is a problem in your life that you think you can fix if only you are skinny enough.

I think that you and your DH need to have a real talk and really listen to each other.

bigsighall · 17/09/2017 21:08

I think he's worried about you. I lost lots of weight (thru injury) and am now your target weight at same height. My oh is worried I'll lose more and has totally turned into a feeder!
He does admit he's worried I'll lose more. I've put on a bit recently and my face is less gaunt and I look less ill. Speak to him.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/09/2017 21:15

If he's worried about her then why is he encouraging a self admitted bordering alcoholic to drink wine.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 17/09/2017 21:20

Congratulations on your success and lifestyle change! Feeling good about yourself should be a priority, and I think that targeting toning and wellness is an excellent choice.
For your husband, you may need to have a frank and maybe blunt discussion. He cannot keep maybe unconsciously overfeed you.

dietcokeandwine · 17/09/2017 21:35

From what you write, op, I'm not sure there's anything particularly sinister about it.

You've done really well in terms of making changes you've wanted to make, but my hunch is that your DH misses the lifestyle you had before, and is trying to hold onto it.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but sometimes, when people get really into the fitness thing - monitoring their weight, cutting out food groups and alcohol, and asking partners not to buy alcohol or offer them 'treat' foods and so on - it can be quite boring and tedious for people around them.

Nothing to do with deliberately trying to sabotage your efforts, or worrying that other men will find you more attractive. But rather, simply not wanting to make the changes to lifestyle that you are insisting on, and feeling sad that your day to day life at home has changed so much.

My DH and I are pretty laid back in terms of what we eat and drink, and I can well imagine that if one of us started the kind of health kick you've been doing, the other would find it hard.

On the one hand, yes he should support you. On the other, it shouldn't all be about you and your shiny new health kick either.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/09/2017 21:41

Weight wise - a lot depends on body frame and muscle density. I'm 5'10" and when young and involved competitive sport (at a high level) I was about 11st but looked very thin because it was all muscle. After I stopped I actually lost weight but looked less thin. In non competitive life I was mostly 91/2-10 st but looked pretty much the same size as 10 1/2 - 11st when competing.

When illness took me down to 8st I only looked unhealthily thin closer to that low point. I'm quite a light frame basically. If I had a broader frame I'd need to be 10-11st just to look healthy.

If you are serious about competing get a trainer and a sports dietician as you will need to build up muscle strength and that would be difficult at 9st 7lb.

He does sound as if your changes bother him, but it may not be just weight. You have done an impressive job of getting fit and making your diet healthier - perhaps it makes him feel guilty, lazy or insecure but that doesn't make it ok for him to undermine you.

AgeingArtemis · 17/09/2017 21:42

It's a hard one- it does sound like sabotaging (although it may not be intentional, or badly meant). My mother, bless her, tries to show her love by baking things and she KNOWS I have no self control so I end up resenting her for when she was genuinely trying to be nice.

I know you don't want to turn this into a discussion about your weight, and normally I would argue that BMI 19 is fairly healthy, but I do amateur MMA (badly lol) and so I know the walk-around weight of myself and my female team-mates. (Fight weights are a different ball game altogether, everyone cuts weight for them) I weigh 10 stone or just a teeny bit under, and I'm 5"7. Obviously everyone has different bone structure and body weight so it will vary, but anecdotally the best "strength to weight ratio" for women seems to be around BMI 21. Lean (and muscular) rather than skinny.

Good luck with the MMA it's fantastic fun!

happypoobum · 17/09/2017 22:21

asking partners not to buy alcohol or offer them 'treat' foods and so on - it can be quite boring and tedious for people around them.

Most of us would probably find living with a self confessed borderline alcoholic rather more boring and tedious.

Agree with mum - if OPs husband was genuinely concerned about her health, he wouldn't be trying to funnel wine down her.

SaucyJack · 17/09/2017 22:30

Sounds like he preferred the old you. He probably doesn't want to lose his drinking and feasting buddy.

He's entitled to his feelings, but it could be problematic in the long run if he doesn't adjust to the new you.

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