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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want more kids?

45 replies

Babyblues14 · 17/09/2017 17:11

Just had a baby. My first. Apparently it was a normal birth. But I found it horrific. I wouldn't change my baby for the world and I'm so glad she is here but there is no way on earth I would go through it again. But I know dh would like more. Aibu to say I will never ever do it again?
Did anyone else just stop at the one baby?
Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

PolkaDotty7 · 17/09/2017 17:13

No of course YANBU. Your husband's view is immaterial -- he's not the one being pregnant or giving birth! People are choosing to have one child more than ever.

Gottagetmoving · 17/09/2017 17:22

I felt that after my first baby. I had a very difficult 36 hour Labour which was badly managed with too many drugs. I also had post natal depression. I swore I would never have another and my then husband agreed as he couldn't bear the thought of me going through that again
Three years later I had another baby because over time the memory, although still not pleasant had faded I suppose.
I'm glad I did because the second time everything went beautifully.
Of course there are no guarantees that next time it would be ok.
Whatever you decide is right....for you. Don't even think of worry about it now...just concentrate on your new baby.

Halfsack · 17/09/2017 17:24

Yanbu- you have just had a baby, why would you want another? Give it a few years time and you may change your mind. Or not. And whatever you decide is ok. I was the same. My DD was 4 when we had a sibling for her. Before that I was pretty adamant I only wanted one.

phoenix1973 · 17/09/2017 17:25

Yanbu. It took me 5 years before i sopped privately crying on her birthday because it all came back to me.
You take your time, see how you feel as time goes by.
You'll probably change your mind many times.
If everyone was like me, people would be extinct🤣 im not having anymore. Dd is 11 next week.

ch24 · 17/09/2017 17:27

I've just had my first baby and my pregnancy was great I'd do that over and over but the birth was horrible she was a week late then I went to be induced and my waters broke so I thought finally something's happening 36 hours later with contractions had the epidural which was the only good thing then after being dialated 1cm she hadn't moved really I had to have a section and the aftermath was awful I could barely lift her I wouldn't change her for the world but no more for me.

FlandersRocks · 17/09/2017 17:29

Aibu to say I will never ever do it again?

Yes. Because there's a strong possibility you're talking rubbish if you've 'just' had a baby.

I'd imagine quite a high % of women who've just given birth insist they'll never do it again. And in most cases, the memory of the birth fades and many women go on and have more dc.

Why are you even talking about it? No need to make final life altering decisions the second you give birth anyway.

RedSkyAtNight · 17/09/2017 17:30

YANBU to only have one child.

But if you've literally only just had your baby, you really don't need to make that decision now!

redemptionsongs · 17/09/2017 17:31

I felt like this for 3 years after dc1's birth - birth was ok but major PPH was so traumatising I had nightmares about being pregnant again when dc1 was 6 months old.

Mentally rule it out - fine, it was important to me to assert I was never going to do that again certainly the first year but you never know.

Dc2's birth, no pph, no trouble at all, 4 year age gap.

redemptionsongs · 17/09/2017 17:33

Oh I think the op wants to rule it out as part of the recovery process. If you've been through a traumatic experience I expect it helps to see that as the past and very unlikely to be repeated.

PumpkinPie2016 · 17/09/2017 17:33

YANBU - I had a very long Labour which ended with an emergency c-section.

From day 1 I said never again. My son is almost 4 now and I still feel the same way.

Original poster

Babyblues14 · 17/09/2017 17:37

Good to see I'm not the only one, people think I'm crazy

OP posts:

Original poster

Babyblues14 · 17/09/2017 17:40

No idea why it comes up people seem to constantly ask if i would do it again already

OP posts:

Moanyoldcow · 17/09/2017 17:42

I had a really unpleasant c-section with pph and other stuff.

Even in the recovery room I was 'I want loads more - this is amazing'

Then the reality hit and DH an I were 'NO MORE'.

We swung like that for 4 years.

I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant.

All I'm saying is you are not at all unreasonable. But it is possible you will change your mind many times before reaching a final decision.

Ttbb · 17/09/2017 17:44

YANBU, it's your body. If your DH wants more you can always adopt.

Trb17 · 17/09/2017 17:47

You can't win....

You start dating and you get asked if it's serious...... you move in together and you get asked when you're getting married..... you get married and you get asked when you're going to have a baby..... you have a baby and you get asked if you're going to have more... it's just the way people are and I used to say a standard reply of, "Not sure, we'll see" to all of these questions. It's nobodies business.

I had awful pregnancy, crappy birth and have stuck with just one very loved DD. I knew I didn't want to do it again and that never changed. I think it's fair to say never but also know that most people say never but that then changes over time and not everyone sticks to it like me.

butterfly56 · 17/09/2017 17:48

Nothing wrong with sticking to one child OP.
Your decision. My sister did this and had no regrets and the positives far outweighed any negatives.

I wish I had not any but that's another story!

MargaretCavendish · 17/09/2017 17:48

YANBU, it's your body. If your DH wants more you can always adopt.

Absolutely it's your body to do what you want with. But adoption is not an easy solution to be flippantly tossed out!

PastysPrincess · 17/09/2017 18:00

I said exactly the same and everyone kept telling me I'd change my mind and to give it time. Well three and a half years later I still haven't changed my mind. I got PND and PTSD, had an episiotomy, ended up need reconstructive surgery to repair the damage.

Regardless of what happened to you, you are entitled to make decisions about your body. Even if you'd had a perfect textbook birth you'd still be entitled to change your mind. Your DP is also entitled to feel upset about it but neither of you should be forced into something you dont want.

pickleypockley · 17/09/2017 18:01

Ok prepared for the backlash here.
Firstly no yunba totally your choice.
But for a different spin on it I have an older cousin who is an only child and when I had my first he said to me "don't only have one, I wish I'd had siblings growing up. And someone to share the pain when parents died"
Obviously this was his own opinion and not all only children feel this way. We are a big family and support each other but he wished he had someone directly related to go through it with.

SleepFreeZone · 17/09/2017 18:03

Nobody wants another baby when they've just given birth. Give it a few years and you'll forget the agony and start to feel broody again. I betcha 😜

SleepFreeZone · 17/09/2017 18:05

On a more serious note I have a sibling and we don't get on, never did and she certainly won't be there for me to share anything with when our parents pass away.

Allthewaves · 17/09/2017 18:07

Just keep repeating 'I havnt decided yet' to all the people asking

SatelliteCity · 17/09/2017 18:33

pickley I don't think the traumatised OP needs to a guilt trip based on anecdotal statements made by someone at an emotional time, wishing for one, very specific, non-guaranteed aspect of a sibling relationship. She was looking for reassurance that her feelings are normal and acceptable.

OP - I'm an only child and have never resented it. There are as many positives as negatives. I also had a traumatic experience when my DD was born and currently intend for her to be an only. Your decision is perfectly acceptable, sensible and understandable.

IF you later find you genuinely want another child but the idea of birth is too terrifying you can request an elective c-section for mental health reasons. But only if you feel that way. If you never do that's fine.

Angelicinnocent · 17/09/2017 18:38

Yanbu but give it time. My 1st labour was 39 hours and I had nearly 30 stitches. Of course I was never having another! Then 3 years later, it suddenly seemed like a good idea and it was.

If people are already asking just tell them to back off, make a joke of it if you can but if needs be, tell them to mind their own business.

mirime · 17/09/2017 18:45

I said after DS was born that I'm never doing it again and four years later I've not changed my mind.

I was induced, found the whole thing traumatic, then DS got rushed off to SCBU while I had to go to theatre to be stitched up. I didn't get any 'halo' effect and haven't forgotten how totally all consuming and excruciating the pain was.

Tbh I may have changed my mind if I would be allowed to choose a cesarian over an induction if it were necessary, but I've been told I absolutely can't. Of course I could get pregnant anyway and push for it if needed but I don't want to be in the position of being scared and vulnerable and having to fight that battle. At 40 the is odds of needing intervention aren't exactly going down...

I also had, what everyone told me at the time was, a 'difficult' pregnancy. Pregnancy turned out to have a wonderfully calming effect on me so I coped better than I might have done otherwise, but I was horrendously sick and nauseous and nobody would do anything to help ("well you could take anti nausea drugs but you don't really want to" and "we can't do anything until you're dehydrated. Try harder to drink") . Don't really want to do that again either.

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